For a little context, I’m old and was raised in fairly conservative neighborhood. Dating was part of the getting-to-know-you processes back then. Before the internet, you had to talk to someone to find out what they were like, today you can probably find out if someone is a jerk by reading their facebook page. You went on a few dates to find out what a person was like, and some people dated for months before having sex.
I understand that, but wouldn’t there need to be some level of SEXUAL attraction and interest in order for you to want to date somebody at all? If your argument is that women don’t need to be sexually attracted to men in order to want to date them, that’s at least more clearly defined (though still a bit unreasonable), but what you’re saying still doesn’t make much sense.
I didn’t have sex until I was married but I still had to be attracted to a man before I’d go on a date with him. I’m not going to have sex on the first date even now but I’m still not going to ask a man out if he’s not my type.
True, sexual attraction can develop over time but generally he’s got to be within a range…
I did, in the past, once or twice, and I was turned down. Not enough of “a totally gorgeous woman some guy would be really into”, I suppose. I gave up on the asking because the guys I was interested in seemed, the way the universe worked, guaranteed to be 1) unavailable or 2) uninterested in me. So be it. Why even bother any more? I was very picky! Let them ask me out and maybe I could find the someone I was looking for. after all when you flip a coin it can’t come up tails 1000 times in a row, can it? It would have to come up heads a few times, wouldn’t it?
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I understand that, but wouldn’t there need to be some level of SEXUAL attraction and interest in order for you to want to date somebody at all? If your argument is that women don’t need to be sexually attracted to men in order to want to date them, that’s at least more clearly defined (though still a bit unreasonable), but what you’re saying still doesn’t make much sense.
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Sorry, 2ManyTacos, I guess I’m not explaining myself very well.
Start with the assumption that I only asked young, fit, handsome and well-groomed guys out. 'Cause that’s pretty much true, I’m shallow.
The reason I stopped asking guys out is because asking caused the guys to assume I was willing to sleep with them Real Soon Now, whereas I was looking for a longer pre-sexual courtship phase. Pretty much once I was past the age (about 20) that guys were willing to assume I was reluctant I because I was a virgin, asking a guy out meant that he’s bail out as soon as he realized I wasn’t as easy as he thought I would be. I really didn’t like the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) idea that I was “leading them on”, so I stopped asking.
No.
I haven’t dated in quite some time, but I seem to remember the whole hair-flipping, laughing at his jokes, adoring glances (in other words, showing interest) seemed to work well enough to get them to ask me out.
I think I might have asked a guy if he wanted to go get a cup of coffee once. But it was such a natural extension of the conversation we were having, that it wasn’t even really like saying “hey would you go out with me?” or anything.
In cases like that, if I were to ever date again, I might ask on a casual basis like that.
Back in the single days I would ask men out. Sometimes it was fine - I usually went with the low-pressure “hey, want to get coffee?” approach - sometimes it was not. Several times it did not go well was when I asked someone who had been flirting outrageously and dropped hints about being single and interested. Eventually I’d say say great, lets go get a drink and they would suddenly remember they had to go home and wash their hair or let the dog out.
Something about being in California in the eighties made it easier than it seems it would be these days. I did not find it difficult to ask and felt I could be pretty open about whether I was interested in getting to know them better without implying sex was definitely happening in the next 30 minutes. Lord only knows how I would cope with dating if I had too again - probably send a good number of men screaming, but hey, its a great way of weeding out the ones who aren’t interested or aren’t worth the effort.
A few years aftrer I got married a woman I had previously been pretty interested in, who I’ll call, uhhh, Sarah, commented to be wistfully (after a few drinks) that she wished I’d picked her. The conversation went something like this:
ME: Really?
SARAH: Yeah, I would have gone out with you for sure.
ME: You never gave me the slightest indication of this.
SARAH: Well, I would have said yes.
ME: But you didn’t. I asked you out a few times. I made a dozen moves. Heck, you usually didn’t even return my phone calls.
SARAH: (blank stare)
ME: I honestly thought you were sick of me.
SARAH: Really?
Guys usually do like a bit of a chase. But, ladies,** there’s a difference between a fun little chase and a fucking Sherlock Holmes mystery.** If you want a guy, at least make it clear you want him. If you don’t, either he’s going to move on or he’s a stalker.
Because my experience with this has gone one of two ways:
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The guy is not really interested in getting to know me, being friends first, dating, or having any semblance of a relationship, but he says yes anyway, because a woman who is forward enough to ask a man out will probably put out on the one and only date. “Hey, ya wanna get a drink?” does not mean, “Hey, wanna hit it and quit it?”
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The guy is not into me at all, is not even interested in being friends and will completely ignore me or blow me off. “Hey wanna go bowling with four other people?” :: crickets chirp ::
If I sit back and be friendly, show interest where appropriate, and then he asks me out, then I know it’s because he actually likes me and wants to know me better, not just because he’s looking for a quick bang. My short answer is: How can you know if they really like you as a person if you do the asking? They might say yes just to try to get laid. Then, sure maybe I’ve gotten laid, but I think I’m dating someone and he thinks “God, why can’t this chick leave me alone?” Saying yes to the woman who is asking sends a message. So does saying no.
I’ve made overtures and made it very clear that I’m into a guy, but anytime I’ve been the bold one and done the asking out, it has turned into “Oh. He’s just taking advantage of an easy opportunity, but doesn’t care about me at all and is not interested in who I am or building a friendship.”
My current BF and I were friends for a couple years before we started going out. He has always been the initiator. He knew damn well he wouldn’t be shot down because I’d made it clear I liked him, but I also respected boundaries when, at the beginning, he was only interested in friendship (because he was already banging somebody).
Maybe in an animalistic way, but centuries of breeding and social conventions have meant that many of us really aren’t anymore. Frankly, many men not only find it stressful to have the burden of responsibility but are also bitter that women seem to think it is our responsibility.
In short, if you like that guy ask him out. As you can’t guarantee he will ask you out, but at the same time it is quite possible he is sitting there thinking you are amazing.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again; it’s always nice to be invited to the party, even if I don’t plan on attending.
I’d let you down gently. Common courtesy. 
Except when it does (for some of us).
I’m not sure how you can know if he really likes you as a person just because he does the asking. You say, “If I sit back and be friendly, show interest where appropriate, and then he asks me out, then I know it’s because he actually likes me and wants to know me better, not just because he’s looking for a quick bang,” but that hasn’t been my experience. A guy could either ask you out or say yes to you just to try to get laid – just like a woman could either ask a guy out or say yes to him just to try to get laid. That first date is when you start figuring out intentions.