Sins of the father..............

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What a pivotal weekend.

to realize that my first born daughter is no longer a child, a point I knew intellectually but was mildly surprised to discover my gut hadn’t yet acknowledged.

  1. I remember 17. An issue of accountability came to a head this weekend; of school, life and choices. We discovered that over the past year on various occasions she’s been stoned, drunk, and has had sex. I find upon thinking about it that I feel disappointment, a certain sense of loss, and a part of me which recognizes the dark irony is laughing, quietly and bitterly. At 17 I had experienced all of that, and more.
    What frightens me is that she is to a large degree ignorant of the ugly side of life (was I that naive at her age?!) Part of what amuses is the little voice that says “What? you think other parents haven’t felt this at some point? What makes you think you’re any different? What makes you think that the fact that you haven’t raised her to act this way makes a difference in her choices?”

Our 14 year old twins don’t act this way, and seem to make better choices and actually think things through. Meghan has had a dark something riding her since…ever.

At least she isn’t pregnant, or has an STD. And then there is the spectre of AIDS, which I certainly didn’t have to face at her age. I also suspect that the guy she shared with isn’t of the calibre I’d want as a SIL. This approaches near certainty as the friends she chooses to spend time with tend to be if not bad, then less than ambitious, with a rather sloppy view of life; she can have and be better. In that regard, the militaristic daddy side of me remembers the desert is deep, and there are a lot of old abandoned mineshafts around here…

At least I haven’t received that call to come to the morgue, or received that 0-dark-thirty phone call. At least she’s still home, and is talking to us, and acknowledges the error of her ways, and wants help. Time will tell if it’s only lip service on her part.

Weird.

2

Geez, Vestal Blue, I don’t know what to say. Not being a parent, I can only imagine the pain this is causing you. I’m sure you are a good parent, though, and that shows in the fact that she is willing to talk to you about these issues.

3

Good post. I’ll be you in about 16 years. My daughter is 7 mos. old. Do you remember those days? It’s hard to believe my little baby could very well be doing such irresponsible things some day. But I did them, too. And my wife? Fuggedaboutit. She was worse than me.

Like you said, your daughter survived it, and is willing to improve (or at least says she is). That’s much better than some other kids her age that I know.

And where I used to blame parents for all kids’ faults. Some criticism is valid in certain circumstances, like when the kids never learned respect or the difference between right and wrong. But once you’ve laid the foundation, I don’t know that the parents can be criticized for the mistakes of youth, the ones almost all of us made. (And some of us made well after our teen years.) And that’s the scariest thing, knowing you can’t assure your daughter will be safe, even if you do the best job you possibly can.

4

I’m interested in how you define this “darkness” in your daughter, do you think she might be dealing with depression or other mental disorders?

I know a lot of my friends have gone through breakthroughs in their lives after being diagnosed and treated, everyone thought they were just badly behaved teens before then.
It didn’t work for me, but it DOES work for a lot of kids.

Most of all, it’s important to talk. However, I am not a parent and cannot really give much solid advice.

As a former troubled teen, I’ll help you with any insights into the rebel psyche you might need.

I really hope things work out better for you and your daughter than they did for me and my parents,
— G. Raven

5

Vestal Blue,
I don’t have kids. I’m 27, and it will probably be a cold day in hell before I do have them. You see, I raised about 10 kids between the ages of 15 and 23.
Most of the kids that I raised (who still call me Momma to this day) came from broken homes, where violence, drugs, alcohol, and verbal abuse were abundant. My parents found out that not only was I friends with these kids, they found out I got high, I got drunk, and I slept with boys. But I still stayed in school, got mediocre grades (good enough, I guess) and I held down a full time job.

Meghan is at an age where she wants to be like her friends, but she wants you to treat her like a grownup. And, in order to keep the lines of communication open, you have to give her a little trust and let her know that you think she is responsible enough to make decisions. (Of course, this doesn’t mean she can set her curfew, or things like that.) You have to let her know that you trust her to make the right decision when she is not with you, and that if she does do something, that she can trust you to pick her up if she’s in a jam. (Let her know that consequences will be discussed at a later time.) Now, if she starts slipping in school, missing curfew, etc… Time to re-evaluate what you let her do. The main thing here is to let her know that you do trust her, but that she has to be responsible for herself and her actions when she’s not with you.

I know you’re upset by the things that you have found out. It sucks to know that your first baby is growing up. But, as long as you keep a good relationship with her, she will open up to you. You just have to trust that you’ve done a bang up job so far (which you must have, if she let it spill that she’s done all this…and she’s still talking to you after telling you.)

Oh, and try not to compare her to her sisters. She is obviously at the age where she wants to be her own person, and comparing her is only going to make her say “Oh yeah, well, let’s just see what I can do to be different.”
I hope this comes off as helpful advice, if unasked for. Just remember that even though she has made some mistakes, she’s still talking to you, and that’s a rare commodity with a 17 year old girl sometimes.
If I can be of any more assistance, or you want to bitch me out, feel free to email me.
Good luck. You may need it, you may not.

6

Morrison’s lament Yes, she has dealt with depression, as well as anger and grief issues. just in the last month she has come to recognize this and is now on meds (before hand she was livid over even the suggestion that she needed professional help), which appear to be helping. I’m hoping that what she divulged is just a residue of her uncontrolled time, and like any mistake that doesn’t kill you, can recover.

Clucky, I do remember, all too clearly. it seems only yesterday we brought her home. Life’s too short.

TroubleAgain, thanks. We do strive to do our best, as I think most parents do. At least we’re still communicating.

Skerri, sound advice, and we practice most of it. We most carefully avoid comparing the kids to each other. We love them for who they are, as equally as possible, their individual gifts and personalities. This too shall pass, and she’ll learn the lessons we all have to through experience. I just don’t want any lesson to be final.
Part of the angst comes in realizing that my ability to protect my child is no longer absolute, if it ever was. That all too soon she’ll have to fly solo, and all that we’ve tried to instill in her will be all the protection she has. Have we done enough to prepare her? What could we have done better? Different? There are different stages we go through as parents, all leading to that day when you have to let them go, and learn to accept that you’ve done the best you could, and pray that it’s sufficient. Skerri, you’ve seen far more of the dark side of life and at a younger age than anyone should have to. Thanks.

7

Wow. I didn’t realize so much had happened this weekend. You have had so much going on lately without this too. But, I do know for a certainty that you and Mrs Blue are very good parents. I’ve seen you in action and met the kids. Meghan is growing up into a fine young lady; have no doubt about that, I don’t. She has made some unwise choices, certainly in her choice of friends, from what you’ve said and what I remember of them last summer when we visited. But, all the love and caring you and the Mrs have poured into your family will show her a better way. It does say a lot for you that she’s talked to you about all this, and that she’s wanting to change. I, too, hope it’s not lip service.

I was thinking about much these same things just yesterday, with my own daughter. Sure, our son went off to college last fall, and is home for the summer now; but it’s not quite the same with a son, at least not for me. I struggled with a lot of wonderings and misgivings with him also. Did I raise him well? Did I do all I could possibly do to show him who he is and more importantly who he can be? Have I properly prepared him for the ‘big bad world’? Will he make good choices in his relationships? And much more. In the end, I said my prayers, wished him well, reminded him we are only a phone call away, and sent him off. <I saved the crying for when no one was around>

Now our daughter is 16 and a half, and growing up faster than I can keep up with at times. She’s convinced she’s already an adult. I’ve been wondering, with all the time she’s away from us lately, what is she really doing, etc. Some of her friends are much as you describe Meghan’s friends, and that worries me a lot. Some of them are not, so there is always hope. We do the best we can, and let them go into God’s hands, where they always were anyway.

I know you don’t compare your kids, and rightly so, they are each very individual and special. Please don’t beat yourself up over all this; as you say, it is most likely stuff from the time before she got on the meds. I’m very glad to hear that they’re helping her a lot too. I agree, Skerri, excellent advice. You are indeed too young to have gone through all that and seen so much.

Take care, my friend, and know always that I’m only a phone call away, or email. You’ve certainly been there for me through some of my parenting struggles, especially while Mr Bear was gone.

{{{{{{VB}}}}}}
{{{{{{Meghan}}}}}}
{{{{{{the whole Blue family}}}}}}

8

When I read threads like this I just want to curl up in the corner and whimper in fear.

I’m about to become a father of a little girl myself. And I see all the pressures that teens are under today, and that in sixteen years those pressures are going to be even worse. What terrifies me is that I won’t be able to offset the pressure to just lay aside the moral values I’m going to try to instill. I have just sixteen years to give her the love and self-respect to stand up for herself.

shivers I don’t know if I can do it…

9

Yes, you can. and trust me, that sixteen years goes by just as fast as you fear. Like anything else, take it a day at a time, and just do the very best you can. To raise another person is both the most terrifying and exhilarating work anyone can do. Despite the challenges, I’d do it all over again, without hesitation or question.

Oh, and congratulations!

10

I grew up in the complete Brady Bunch household. That’s why I spent so much time taking care of my friends. But I do have to say that kids’ lives are so f*cked up these days by what is going on around them that it doesn’t suprise me when I hear that approximately 90% of high school kids have experimented with drugs. (Ok, I don’t know the exact figure, but I knew when i heard it that it was high.)

Vestal, I hope things are starting to clear up for you. If you ever need anything, feel free to email me. I may be a young’un, but I have a reasonably smart head on my shoulders when it comes to teenagers. (It wasn’t so long ago that I was one!)

Tygr, congratulations!! Just remember that being able to talk is the most important thing when dealing with your kids. As long as they know they can talk to you without being berated or belittled, they will keep you somewhat informed. (Just don’t go overboard, ya know. Be a parent, but one who can be trusted.)

Ok… Stepping off of my teenagers’ advocate soapbox,
Skerri