I’ve known before that I have a problem with alcohol, although it never seemed to be a problem with the first four beers, it was the eight after. Suddenly things which wouldn’t pass a sniff test when sober would seem to be damn good ideas. Going home from bars to help get the kids in bed no longer ranked up on the same level as self medicating the stress and depression, one glass of scotch at a time.
My wife and I were fighting (bet none of your could possible imagine why) and the level of stress was getting worse and worse. So one [del]morning[/del] noon when I woke up after a bender I realized that if I continued this, my love for wine would win over the love for the kids. And that’s not an option. They need a daddy, not a drunk.
With limited options including very few AA meetings, I decide to go with the medication route. Japan has a drug similar to Antabuse, so I talked to my psychiatrist and got a prescription from him.
The first 4 weeks were hell. It was only after a month that I read in a book about PTSD that stopping drinking can temporarily aggravate the stress and other symptoms because you’ve suddenly lost one of the outlets for stress. The book says that the techniques in AA are useful because they provide support during this difficult transition.
(And please, let’s not turn this into a discussion if AA is effective or not, as many such treads become.)
So I went into a terrible funk, did the minimum at work, would get fully going when with my kids, and substituted endless hours of mindless time on the internet. Not the most ideal solution, but at least I wouldn’t make stupid decisions at 3:00 am.
I’m working more on different outlets for the stress. Continuing counseling and gaining more insights into what causes my reactions and how to change my behaviors and learn more coping methods. Work is going much better, our family live is back to great (well, as much of great as is possible with two toddlers and two working parents), and I’m out of the funk. I’m going to take up Aikido to help get more exercise.
I’ve stopped drinking for a few months at a time before. Usually after doing something stupid enough that I’m not going to admit in public. Then after a couple of months, I start to feel that I can control my drinking, and I can. For a while. Then through a period of a few weeks, one beer becomes one bottle of wine which becomes two. While it wouldn’t be every night, it would happen.
But now I realize that I can’t. My friend can have a glass of sherry, say it was good and stop. I can’t guaranty that, so I stop before I start. It seems to work better that way.
I’ve got a ritual now. The first thing after breakfast, I measure out the 7 ml, hold the cup up eye level and say, “My children have a Daddy, not a drunk.”
After I feel more comfortable with how things are going, I’ll try keeping sober without the medication.
Also, to stop myself from staying up too late at night, I’ve set LeechBlock to kick in at 9:00 pm. I may be seeing less of you guys for a while. I’ll miss you, but my children deserve to have the best father they can.
Wish me well on my new sober journey in life.