Hello gang. I suppose this is a question of ettiquette, and how the Dopers do love the topic, right?
Is it poor form to ask a married male friend if his brothers are single, and if they’d care to be introduced to me? I happen to know this fella is the oldest of seven brothers.
I can see pros and cons, the cons coming mostly from the fairly formal, professional nature of our friendship so far. I don’t want to give the impression I’m hitting on HIM.
Beatrice manages this age-old dilemma nicely in Much Ado - Act 2, Scene 1, from line 280.
BEATRICE: Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes everyone to the world but I, and I am sunburnt. I may sit in a corner and cry ‘Heigh-ho for a husband!’
DON PEDRO: Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE: I would rather have one of your father’s getting. Hath your Grace ne’er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
Oh yeah - the Duke then offers HIMSELF, which is maybe the source of my consternation. Gah.
So: yea or nay? Skeevy or sensible? How to broach the topic?!
I don’t know about brothers, but my wife’s single friends are constantly asking me if I have friends or co-workers I could introduce them to.
It’s never seemed skeevy to me or my wife. I get what you mean about hitting on him. You’re not, but you’re definitely telling him that if he were single he’d be getting attention from you.
I think asking directly would be potentially awkward – what if the true answer is “yes I have several single, unattached brothers, but you simply aren’t their type; they don’t like blondes/tall women/females/women foward enough to ask a question like that/whatever.”
While it is possible to come up with a tactful answer (“I do have single brothers but it’s my impression none are in the market for a girlfriend right now; if that changes, sure, I’ll let you know”) the guy might resent being put in a situation where he had to quickly come up with something.
Indirectly checking .,… now, that’s completely different. Why not just say something in front of him without requiring an answer – like “Gawd, I had a disappointing date last night. It’s so much fun when you hit it off with somebody, but boy, that sure wasn’t it. Hey, if you know any unattached guys who you think might be a good match for me, I’d love it if you let me know. But enough personal stuff … maybe we should review that report we were working on.”
I gather that you’ve never laid eyes on any of the brothers. If that’s the case then the way you’re going about it seems skeevy indeed. The only message you’re sending is “I think your genes are hot and I’m so desperate that I’ll take a gamble on any of your siblings being similar.”
It might seem like a compliment, but he (and his wife) will be imagining the next six months of you dating each of the brothers in turn until you finally settle on the pick of the litter.
I think the only way around this is to identify which brother in particular you’d like to inquire about. It’s perfectly sensible to ask “if your brother Joe is available I wonder if you would introduce me.”
On the other hand, if you’re just looking for some fun it doesn’t much matter either way.
I was going to ask the same question of my friends, to find out whether they have any single female friends.
I was thinking about extending asking that question to co-workers, but that seems a mite ‘off’ to me. Most of my co-workers do not know me all that well.
I dunno, I’m always talking up how wonderful Mr. S is, and I’ve had more than a few people ask if there were any more like him available. (Answer: Yes, he has brothers, but they’re all (1) much older, (2) married with grandchildren, and (3) nothing like him anyway.)
I think as long as it’s lighthearted and tasteful, it’s a compliment to the person you’re asking.
Come to think of it, a male friend that I think very highly of (who is about 15 years younger, and who asked with my husband present, so there was no chance the remark could be misinterpreted as “I want to jump your bones!”) once said to me “wow, do you have any younger sisters just like you that I could date?”
It was one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received. Of course, it was a personal friend who asked at the right moment…if the question had been asked at work, I might have been a little grossed out. But in the right setting, that is indeed a great compliment.
I’m feeling sort of happy and complimented all over again, just remembering the question. (BTW, the guy who asked eventually did marry a really nice woman.)
I know the movie-makers had to stick to the play, and everything, but this always seemed crazy-unrealistic to me. Who could turn down Denzel Washington in leather pants??
I’d say that if you’ve never met or even seen the brothers in question it’s a bit out of line to ask, unless they happen to come up in conversation.
I don’t have any brothers, but if I got an email from someone at work asking me to set them up with a friend/roommate/cousin/hypothetical brother/whoever, I’d be a little weirded out. YMMV
I always felt sorry for Don Pedro…he was the only one who didn’t get coupled up by the end of that play. And Denzel played the part so very heart-achingly…
