[QUOTE=Anaamika]
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
[/QUOTE]
A skeleton walks into a bar; orders a beer and a mop.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey bud, why the long face?”
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe.
My turn.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out of here, we don’t serve your kind in here.”
So the string goes back out. He ruffles his ends all up, and ties a knot in himself. He goes back in, and the bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that string that just walked in here a few minutes ago?”
And the string says,
“I’m afraid not.”
Puggy get everybody chili cheese slawdogs and a bag of chips. See, lunch is done. Easy peasy. I’m so organized!
Payroll is done and it’s right for once. That makes me a happy bear. Today is all about mops, boxes of boxes (how dumb!) and more wiiiiiirrrrrreeeeee haaaaaannnnnnggggggeeeeeerrrrrrssssss!!!. One of these days Ima gonna forget myself and actually yell b]wiiiiiirrrrrreeeeee haaaaaannnnnnggggggeeeeeerrrrrrssssss!!!** outloud. I just know it! 
[QUOTE=FairyChatMom]
Shows how much you know! 
[/QUOTE]
Nice jokes, everyone. Here’s how it’s really done. (Lissla, you may want to prevent your husband from reading these.)
-What’s red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
-What’s blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
-Why should you bring a bottle of cough syrup to a funeral?
To make the coffin stop.
-Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the Other Side.
Today I have to wrap up my presentation and hand it in so they can have them all ready by tomorrow morning. Should be fun. Speaking of fun, here’s a pun.
[QUOTE=Spatial Rift 47]
-Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the Other Side.
[/QUOTE]
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.
All right, Spats. throws glove down
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A: 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door.
Q: The king of the jungle, the lion, decided to have a party. He invited every animal in the jungle, but one didn’t come. Which one?
A: The giraffe, because it was stuck in the fridge.
Q: Two explorers attempt to cross a crocodile-infested stream. How do they manage to get across?
A: They just wade across. The crocodiles are at the lion’s party.
A cheese sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here”
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here” and the mushroom says why not? I’m a fungi (fun guy)
A guy sitting at a bar keeps hearing things like “that’s a great suit!” “have you lost weight?” “great haircut, fella” He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says the peanuts are complimentary
a termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”
Oh ho, you want to play rough, eh? Fine.
-What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“The elephants are coming!”
-What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
-Tarzan’s last words?
“Hey, who greased the vine?”
-How can you tell there’s been an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
OR
Ask the giraffe.
-How do you fit 6 elephants in a Volkswagen?
Three in the front, three in the back.
-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t - you get down from a duck.
And lastly …
-How do we know that an elephant’s genitals are in its feet?
Because if it steps on you, you’re fucked.
What did one snowman say to other?
I smell carrots!
Grrr!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: They are too difficult to iron.
Q: How many elephants fit in a compact car?
A: None.
Q: Why did the elephant lie down on the sidewalk?
A: To trip ants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Take that!
Warning, this one is off-color, and probably offensive to religious folks. But it’s one of my favorites, and I just can’t resist right now.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her.
I’m very sorry I did that to you.
Morning all! Housecleaning day today. I’ve done the bathroom, cleaned the litter box, and Robby the Roomba is doing his thing. Maggie wonderbeagle has another ear infection, so guess where my money and I are going tomorrow.
Swampy, a hanger outburst might be usefull in getting rid of excess work:
cow-orker: I want to dialog about the TPS reports…
swampy: does it involve wiiiiiirrrrrreeeeee haaaaaannnnnnggggggeeeeeerrrrrrssssss???
cow-orker: Umm, I’ll get Bob to do it, thanks.
bobbio, you should be ashad of the fish jokes. You did it on porpoise, didn’t you?
puggy, just get em PB&Js for lunch.
Why are not supposed to walk in the jungle between 4 and 6 PM?
Because the elephants are jumping out of the trees.
Why are Pygmies so short?
Because they walk in the jungle between 4 and 6 PM.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a river?
Flo.
What do you call a woman with 1 arm and 1 leg standing against a wall?
Ilene.
If she’s Japanese?
Irene.
I had the dentist appointment this morning, so I’m numb all the way up to my nose. I hate the dentist.
Last night, I printed out a copy of the picture of Cricket in the hockey jersey, and took it by the team office after my appointment. They immediately hung it on the wall, and got a good laugh out of it. Also found out one of my favorite players is going to be back this season!!
Now I’m going to go sleep off the pain pill. Back later.
Bobbio, I love the pygmies one! But you missed one:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
Bobbio, I love the pygmies one! But you missed one:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
[/QUOTE]
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on Swampy’s desk?
Bill!
This is the silliest MMP I’ve ever been in! I loved the “woman with no arms and no legs in the river” one. I’ve never heard it before!
I have no jokes, alas.
I just dropped in to say hi, and try to keep up with this week’s MMP. It’s not too out of control yet…
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a cash register?
Penny
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a doorstep?
Matt
Why did the man name his dog with no legs “Cigarette”?
Because every now and then, he’d take him out for a drag.
Mika - I think I killed your IMHO thread. I’m sorry! If I were a supervillian, I’d be called “Buzzkill.”
There’s a guy at my front door with no arms and no legs. His name is Matt. His brother, also armless and legless, is hiding in a pile of leaves. His name? Russell.
Bobbio, that last one about made me fall over giggling.