Q. How do I convince my husband that we need a dog?
A. Try to convince him you both need a horse. Then maybe he’ll settle for a dog.
From MPSIMS: I’ve Been ‘Let Go’, am I going to lose my mortgage?
A: No – check the rules – but I’ll trade you Marvin Gardens and $300.
From GQ:
Q: Any point in smoking stems?
A: I prefer them barbequed, but to each their own.
Q: How do I make a police siren?
A: Go 90 through a school zone.
Q: Can I smoke yet?
A: Are you on fire yet?
Q: How can I tell when soy milk goes bad?
A: When it’s chewy, of course.
Q: What would happen if mosquitoes became extinct?
A: The bug repellant market would crash and mass panic would ensue. Or maybe not.
Q: How can I tell when soy milk goes bad?
A: When it appears on a Fox special “When Soy Milk Goes Bad.”
Q: Trojan Extended Pleasure Condoms: Do they work?
A: Check back with us in nine months and let us know!
Q: What would happen if mosquitoes became extinct?
A: Those folks who make OFF! would have a lot of useless inventory on their hands!
Q. What if the NRA president was shot?
A. He’d bleed.
Q. Is pledge anti-American?
A. It’s no more anti-American than other brands of furniture polish.
Q. What if LotR had been written by someone else?
A. I guess we’ll never know, will we? I mean, who in their right mind would want to try their hand at that?
Q. Anybody notice how hard physical labor is?
A. How’s about you give me a demonstration? Come on over and clean my house from top to bottom, then mow the front lawn, trim the hedges, do a week’s worth of my laundry, then cook me a seven-course dinner from scratch. If you look tired after all that, then you might convince me that physical labor is hard.
Q. What if Lord of the Rings had been written by someone else?
A. It wouldn’t say J.R.R. Tolkein on the cover.
Q: What is the difference between crows and ravens?
A: Crows have a better health plan.
Q: Bag my own groceries!?! What could you POSSIBLY be saying?!?
A: I’m saying, “Bag your own groceries.”
Q: Why are capital and small letters so different?
A: It’s all hormones, Johnny. And anabolic steroids.
Q: Any advice for an expectant mother?
A: Sleep now, and never hold your pee.
Q: Centaurs?
A: I’ll see your centaurs and raise you a gryphon.
Q: Lawyers: Is the “MATRIX” Defense Valid?
A: Yes, but the Pontiac Vibe Defense is basically the same, but with 0 down and 0% interest for 60 months.
Q: So, how’s that War on Terrorism going?
A: None too bad. How about that War on Drugs?
Q: Male Strippers-What’s The Work Like?
A: Another day, another folded dollar bill stuffed into an intimate orifice.
Q: Recommend to me some “deep” movies.
A: ** The Deep, Deep Throat, Deep Space Nine, Deep Impact, Deep Six, Devil and the Deep, Devil of the Deep, Deep Sleep ** and that classic ** DEEP **.
Dantheman.
Al Jaffee rocks (or is it Al Jaffe?)
you won’t believe this but I was just thinking of MAD’s smart ass line of paper back books that I read as a kid. The ones i remember most are …
Q:is that soup hot?
A: It’s hard to tell with a mouth full of seared flesh.
Hostess Q: Seats for 2?
A: No, seats for 37, we like to change seats ever few minutes
unfortunately the smart ass examples kind of stuck with me and nearly got me fired a few times
My boss (in front of several co-workers) - Q:What you reading?
Me - A: It’s called a book, you should try one sometime.
He was not impressed, everyone else was…heh heh
There ya go. I miss the old-school Mad.
Q: Car seats - how old?
A: My guess would be roughly the same as the car.
Q: Should I get my car fixed before I sell it?
A: Yes, neutered cars are all the rage.
Q: Salutetorian: What should I talk about?!?
A: What, you’re asking the dumbasses?
Q: Is 16 too young for homosexual sex?
A: Well it definately is for geriatric sex.
Q: Salutetorian: What should I talk about?!?!
A: How you overcame your lack of spelling ability and became salutatorian.
From GD:
Married priests in ‘60 Minutes’
… or the pizza’s free!
Are the Palestinians wising up?
A: Yeah, but wascally Iswael’s fighting back.
Have western countries obtained the Communist utopia?
A: No, they haven’t even retrieved the jade monkey yet.
Why no wars since World War II?
A: Because you have been locked in a bunker, on Mars, with earmuffs on and a bag over your head for the last sixty years.
Has the majority ever held an idea, then denied it, then held it again?
A: Well, most people used to think so, then for a while they didn’t, but now…
Q: Why give your child a name like this?
A: Because “That” was already taken.
Q: How does LEGO work?
A: Great, for injuring barefoot feet and clogging vacuum cleaners.
Q: Male Strippers - What’s the Work Like?
A: T’easy.
From MPSIMS:
Centaurs?
A: No thanks, I’m full.
Do you feel guilty about your erotic dreams?
A: No, but I feel guilty about your erotic dreams…
Anybody here know anything about Russia?
A: Yes. It’s a big country.
Why give your child a name like this?
A: Because I already named his brother “That” and didn’t want to reuse it.
What is my dog trying to tell me?
A: Woof?
From GQ:
Where did these towels come from?
A: Well, the mommy and daddy towel decided that they loved each other, so they went to bed together and…
What’s up with those hollow ice cubes that they serve on airplanes?
A: Due to budget cutbacks, the airlines cannot afford using full ice cubes any more.
You say it like it’s a joke.