Hello again,
I have been impressed within my heart to return here to this board and set straight some ambiguous and unclear issues I raised when I left. Here they are, in no particular order:
Drain Bead: The analogy of the drunk driver I used to describe homosexuality was NOT taught to me by my church. I made the analogy up myself. My church does NOT think I am no better than a drunk driver. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
vanilla: You wanted me to come back and say this, so here it is: I was NOT sexually abused when I was a child, nor was I abused in other ways on a regular basis. There were one or two isolated instances, however, that did indeed give me self-hatred. Having your own feces smeared into your mouth and nose counts as abuse, doesn’t it? But that is long ago, and I have forgiven the person who did it to me. That’s where the self-hatred came from–I figured that if this person would smear that filth on me, I must be worthless and bad.
On the subject of homosexuality: although I do apologize for my externalized self-hatred and homophobia, I do not recant my belief that it is a moral wrong. For me to do so would be to go against everything I believe and be misleading about how I feel about the issue.
vanilla brought up the subject that I “hated God” and had told her so “many times.” Let me explain. Whenever I go driving in my town, people tend to honk their horns at me when I think an incorrect thought (this is part of my supposed “delusions”–I’m schizophrenic). I believe that God directs them to honk at me while I’m in traffic, and this sometimes makes me very angry at God. However, I do not hate God in the sense that I would abandon my religious beliefs and love for his doctrine and love. When I’m at home, away from the “delusions,” I develop a love for Him and my faith is restored. it’s only when these “delusions” confuse me or anger me that I “hate God,” and that hatred is temporary and reactionary.
On the idea that I am in a vicious circle, quitting the SDMB then coming back later, then quitting again after posting self-deprecating material, I have to plead guilty on that. However, I am taking steps to end this cycle. I see no reason why I can’t stick around here inbetween therapy sessions.
Okay, that’s about it. I feel like I have cleared the air now and am resuming my posting to this board. vanilla knows me well–she predicted I would come back! Sometimes I just need to get away for awhile, take a breather, get some perspective. MPSIMS seemed the right forum to post this in.
I don’t really know you, nor do I know much about your problems, but it is nice to see you posting again. I wondered what happened to you. Hope things are well, or as well as they could be.
Caveat: I have a large stick up my ass today, so I really shouldn’t post this, but who fuckin’ cares, anyway?
Snark, obsessive in that you keep coming back with this whole vanilla thing. On top of that, you don’t seem to have the wherewithal to keep it confined to private e-mails. Christ, make up your mind, do you love her or hate her? Are you gay or straight or bi or asexual or what? I know, I know, why do I read the threads if they upset me when I could just as well pass them by? Well, let’s just call it my macabre sense of curiosity. Stop being such a major pussy and get on with your life for the love of god! How long are you going to stew about this? I swear, this is just like when Serlin came and talked about his illness and apologized and wanted to post again. If you have so little control over your life and self-hatred, then this really isn’t the place for you, is it? Why don’t you go get help and come back when you can control your emotions a little better?
You need help. I say this with the most benevolent feeling I can muster at this moment.
Yes. You need a lesson in driving. Sounds to me like you’re absentmindedly cutting people off and running over neighborhood dogs while you’re otherwise occupied with your “incorrect” thoughts. Of course people are going to honk.
I say this knowing very, very little about you, Snark, and thus I bear no ill will . . . please do get help from a qualified psychiatrist who has a good amount of experience.
I really am not trying to be rude here. I think it would honestly. help you.
Democritus, the reasons I came back and posted on these issues are, I felt I had left some misconceptions unanswered and Vanilla specifically asked me to come back and post regarding my childhood abuse. This thread is the result of those two motivators. I would have let the matter go, but she wanted me to clear it up. So I did. I do love her. I don’t want a pity party.
As for the schizophrenia, I’m taking meds and am under the care of a psychiatrist right now, as I have been for more than a decade. It’s under control, although not cured by any means.
The reason you don’t see me taking things to private e-mail is, I don’t send you copies of my private e-mail. Most of the issues Rose and I talk about ARE in private e-mail.
I’m okay. I have Same-Sex Attraction problems. I love Rose. I don’t think I’m being a major p*ssy for doing what Rose asked me to do, and for clearing some other issues up.
I currently have my finger on the button getting ready to send this to the Pit at the first twitch. This whole thing has gone on long enough. Watch it.
Second, to the assembled multitude, I see no reason why Snark cannot feel same-sex attraction and love (and, IIRC, physical attraction) for Vanilla at the same time. At least, nobody ever brought me the form to fill out on who or what I was limiting myself to caring about, specifying the details of who or what I might find physically attractive, and so on. Darn bureaucrats can’t get anything right! :rolleyes:
Yes, he has issues, and some serious problems most of you are not aware of. And he’s been amazingly open about them and is dealing with them. So let’s not do a “go get help, Snark” thread, huh? He knows what he needs and is dealing with it.
You don’t have to sort old baggage or explain anything, snark. People come here to Fight Ignorance–and maybe learn stuff, make friends, shmooze, whatever. It gives a lot of room.
Hmm, now that I’m rereading my last post, since coming home and removing the stick from my ass, I feel kinda stupid. I’d like to retract the asshole attitude and leave the message if I may. Use the dickhead filter at babelfish or something…
Snark, I sincerely think that this is not the place for you to be, in your condition. I’ve followed your and vanilla’s drama since the beginning, all the while writhing in pain and occasionally laughing my ass off. No, it’s not an easy situation, nor one that needs to be played out here.
Poly, I certainly hope you didn’t think I was implying that Snark couldn’t feel what he is feeling or that there was contradiction in it. My observation has been, though, that the stream of decisions he has seemed to make have been so fickle and so diametrically opposed to have been worth nothing at all, and showed no real dedication to the resolution of the underlying problems at all. My intent was to suggest that he buck up and make the decisions he needs to make. Personally, I don’t think he’s capable of it right now and, as in the case of Mark Serlin, this is no place to be in the meantime. Therefore I suggested that he not pursue it’s resolution here. I seriously believe that no healing can come to Snark via this board. On the contrary, the running dialogue between Snark and vanilla on this board has been, in my opinion, destructive to his well-being, as witnessed in their back and forth volley of compliments one minute and barbs the next.
THANK YOU, Polycarp. You’re a jewel. If someone else tries to tell me to “get help” I’m gonna scream. You’re always very perceptive and reasonable, and I’m glad you posted to this thread with the above quote.
Democritus, I appreciate that you’re trying to help me, but I see no reason why I can’t post to this board, even during crises. The breakup between Vanilla and myself was painful for both of us and remains so, especially for her. I tried to become something I’m incapable of being at present, a provider and husband and father, and in the process made Rose promises I couldn’t keep. It’s no wonder she feels bad about our past relationship.
But anyway, I do feel that I can post if I want to, as long as I obey the rules of this board.
For most of us who have been around the SDMB with Snark for a number of years understand that his disability causes him to have thoughts that while they seem strange to most of us, are very real to him. As most schizophrenics, the severity of his disability goes through changes, mostly because of needed meds adjustment.
This is the second thread I have read today suggesting a schizophrenic poster “get help”. http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=47127 I don’t know how many of you are familiar with mental disorders, but I think it is a safe bet to say that since they have a diagnosis for their condition, they are most likely “getting help”. It is degrading to ridicule them for a condition that is no more their fault than someone with diabetes or cancer. I suggest you learn more about the condition to understand why their brain causes them to have strange thoughts.
I don’t think Bill needs to be handled with kid gloves, especially when he makes the choice to post details about his personal life (I too am tired of the Snark/vanilla soap opera). Schizophrenia does not mean stupid nor is it an excuse not to take responsibility for actions. I would however, like to suggest that the injurious, bullshit comments made to schizophrenics such as the “get help” and “you ARE a freak” (from the other thread) stop.
Bill, get help! (kidding)
I must correct a statement of his though.
The breakup was not that painful for myself; I renounced Mormonism, thank God and came to my senses.
It doesn’t remain painful for me at all, I am quite happy and glad to have closure.
Thank you, now back to the electoral college.
