How do I get my girlfriend of 2 years(moderate Christian) to worry less about what her parents (Strong Conservative Absolute Fundy Christians) think. I mean, sure, sex before marraige is OK, and having a non-Christian boyfriend is OK with her, but she is constantly worrying about what her parents think when we are alone for more then 2 hours. Or when she is out at a movie past 10 PM with me. Or that they will find out that I am an atheist. Or <insert baseless paranoid worry here>.
She has never had a serious discussion with them about it, and it’s OK if we are out later then that if we have a very good reason (hit a deer once on the way home and that was OK). Other then that, she gets some evil looks from her parents when she gets home. Both of her parents wait up for her to get home, and they watch through the window as soon as I pull up, so I can’t kiss her at the door or anything.
She has had a steady job for the last 2 years working about 20 hours/week and going to school, but she got it from her Mom’s freind (also a phsychotic Christian), and I doubt she’d be able to work there if she moved out on bad terms with her parents.
They have made many indirect, comments and accusations to her and me about staying out late. I’ve gathered that they don’t like it, but I don’t think they would actaully do anything about it. After all, “Thou Shalt Not Kill.”
How do I get her to worry less about what they think. She hates them. She’s gonna move out as soon as they get done paying for her college (1 more year). And yet she is constantly worrying about what they are thinking, as she doesn’t want to be kicked out (something that I don’t think would happen for any reason). Any advice?
Move out as soon as practical. Otherwise, sorry to say, it sounds like a case of “their house, their rules.” Does she have a curfew and comes in late past that curfew? Or is it more a subjective call and tonight Dad thinks she was out too late? If it is the case of a curfew, I would try to respect it and/or modify the curfew and thereby remove a stress point.
No, its not an official curfew. It’s more dependent on what kind of mood her Dad is in. It’s usually OK to come home between 10:00 and 10:30, but any later then that and she get’s evil looks for the next few days.
If she is concerned at 19 about what her parents think, she may well never get over that. Consider this very strongly if you want to be with her for the long haul.
If you think that she’ll get over it once she is on her own in a year, you’ll just have to deal with it for a year. Her parents are partially supporting her and (I assume) she is not paying rent. Therefore, they do have a say in things even if she is over 18.
it never ends, despite what you may think.
say you get married.
They lend you money for a house, etc.
then there’s the guilt trip about grandkids, etc.
People like that always seem to have something dangling over your head.
plus she hates them?
sounds like a mess in the making.
I think you need to seriously examine your relationship, in an objective manner. I know its hard to do when you are in the middle of a situation.
To me, this is one of those red flags you question yourself for not noticing earlier.
IMO,when I was single, anyone that said they HATED their parents was a reason to run and hide.
To me the concept is unreal.
She’ll be worrying about what her parents think for the rest of her life. The trick is letting it roll off your back. Or, bailing.
Personally, I prefer to have the conflict immediately if there’s going to be any. I told the (at the time future-) in-laws up front that I was a filthy atheist I told the (at the time future-) wife that I really didn’t care one way or the other about her parents opinion of me, or of our relationship.
Seven years later, they still don’t particularly like me, and she still worries about what they think, and their opinions don’t bother me too much. That’s OK by me.
Obviously, it’s not too hard to blow off the in-laws. The trick is not pissing off the wife about it. So, I listen to her while she worries about whatever-it-is this week. But, ultimately she knows my answer: Either conform to their wishes or accept that they won’t like it when you don’t.
Nineteen and she can’t come home past 10:30 w/o evil looks? Yow.
I don’t know too many people who get more conservative as they get older. If anything, people generally seem to go through their wild/rebellous/parent-hating phase in their teens. Then, during college, they move away and start to grudgingly respect their parents.
By the time you get to my age (31) you’re pretty much a peer of your parents and while you have disagreements of differences of opinion, they’re no longer battles you much care about winning. You try to exist peacefully as friends and as a family.
I doubt she’s going to change much. She doesn’t hate her parents, she just feel stifled right now. You may get a brief period after she moves out where she has a wild, late-night partying year, but her views are generally going to stay the same or even get more conservative as she gets older/has kids. She’ll always care about what her parents think and even may start ignoring the things she says she now hates just for the sake of getting along.
I think your best bet is to heed the wise words of beezlebubba.
Me too and your post rings true for me as well. Beelzebubba lays it out exactly as it is. Ten miles from the inlaws or 1000 miles from the inlaws they will still always live “at home” and you will most likely never measure up to the ‘standards’ they set.
I’ve dated a good amount of girls, but only cared about two of them enough to actually enter into a “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship, adn both of them had issues with their parents when it came to admiting they were in relationships. My first one was in high school, and her I understand. He mother was an evil witch, and my girlfriend was afraid that if she knew she was dating someone seriously, her mom would think she was a slut. Yay Catholic upbringing. My second one was in college, and all I got from her about the topic was “My mom’s crazy. If I told her, I’d get shit about it all the time.” I don’t understand why girls have such problems with their parents, and their mothers in particularly. The first one’s mother ruled her life, and it ended really horribly, so that I don’t mind so much, although if her mother had had that knowledge, it may have made me look like less of an ass for being upset that she cheated on me. The second one, I never met her mother, so I can’t really say. She seems fairly independant enough, but her parents do try and control her a lot. Or maybe I’m just someone to be ashamed of. Who knows?
But yeah, if a girl has issues with her parents beyond the simple “Eh, my parents suck,” you should try and be weary.
Looks to me as though the person who should really be thinking hard about all this is the girlfriend. She needs to figure out if she wants to stay in a relationship with an atheist; someone of whom there is no chance her parents will ever approve.
She will probably have to eventually choose which way she wants to go. If she is herself a conservative Christian, she should probably be dating guys who have similar beliefs. If she’s a free and easy, laid back, loose ties (if any) to any specific church type of Christian, or a (gasp!) agnostic or (double gasp!) atheist, then she should be making plans to come ouf of the closet as far as her parents are concerned. Unless she’d be comfortable playing a role for them for the rest of their lives? Not a good idea, IMO.
I told the (at the time future-) wife that I really didn’t care one way or the other about her parents opinion of me, or of our relationship.