So, How Should We Tell Kiddo About The Divorce?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Speaking as a now 16 year old guy who has been through this FOUR times, I feel qualified to give some advice.

At 5, the kid is not going to really understand what you’re telling him anyway, the really important thing is that you stay intact. What the kid doesn’t need to see is Mommy falling apart.

I know it will be tempting to let him get away with more stuff or to buy him things, but this will not help anyone. Just tell him basic facts, tell him you love him a lot, keep in touch always and keep a hold on yourself in front of him.

As a note, he is only 5. He’ll get over it, and you two will be able to have a healthy relationship with him as he grows up. Better now than when he’s 10 or 12.

Best of luck.

MarxBoy

22

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{tater and TinyTot}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Robin

23

tater, I wish I had some good advice, but I don’t really have any relevant experience to draw on.

There is a lot of very wise and loving advice posted in this thread. I know you will be able to draw on all this goodwill and wisdom and experience to handle this as well as anyone could. You know your son and what he needs better than anyone, and while it can’t be made easy or nice, you will find the right way to be gentle and honest and strong.

I never post hugs, but this is worth an exception.

{{{{tatertot}}}}

24

tell him as bluntly and straightforward as possible. being a dependant, he’s gonna want to know all of the reasons for the divorce; so be as HONEST and mature about it as possible, at times like these, it’s hard to forget than young children’s minds aren’t as dense as you’d like them to be. just keep in mind that it you lie, or don’t include a somewhat important detail, hes gonna hold it to you the rest of your life, when he finds out. and the bad news is ALWAYS easier to hear from the parents, than from a third party. Good luck, Tater.

25

(((tater & Tiny)))

All I can do is back up what the other folks here have said. Honesty is key. And so is remaining at least civil with your ex. Even though the marriage didn’t work, it produced a lovely child. He needs to know that it’s not his fault.

I was 16 when my parents divorced, and my brother was 14. I was old enough to understand what was going on, and I actually knew that there was trouble months before they actually sat us down and told us. I was actually fine with it. From my point of view (and I told my parents this), if they were going to be happier apart, fine. I knew they were miserable together, and it was stressing me. Telling me they were divorcing was actually a great relief for me.

My brother, on the other hand, used it as an opportunity to do whatever the hell he wanted, and blame it on them. Do not let your son do this to you, or to his father. I know you feel guilty for leaving, but do NOT let him manipulate you. My brother tried to say that my parents said bad things about each other, trying to play him against the other. I was the only one with the cojones to tell him he was full of it. They never did it to me, why would they do it to him? He finally admitted that he had lied about that, nearly ten years after the fact.

Contact him as much as humanly possible. Let him know that you love him. Phone calls, cards, letters (letters are especially good–little kids LOVE getting mail!), and emails. And don’t say bad things about your ex. All he needs to know now is that even though you aren’t going to be married to each other any more, that both of you love HIM very, very much.

26

I don’t have any advice that would be helpful (looks like you’ve gotten plenty of that anyway). I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you’re going through this, and I am praying for the best for you and your family.

{{{{{tatertot}}}}}

27

No advice from me either–Just good wishes for you, TinyTot and DaddyTot.

28

great advice here tatertot. i’ll echo the don’t get into too much detail, keep it simple. like any other big, adult topic, give the simple facts and let the little guy ask for more detail. the more matter-of -fact you handle it, the more matter-of-fact he will handle it. wait until you’re alone or here to have the big cries. send lots of postcards to him when you’re back in the states. postcards are great to get when you’re little, and easy to read.

little back rubs to you, tater… i know this is ever so hard for you.

29

My parents divorced when I was five, and thinking back on it I cannot for the life of me remember how they told me the news. Mom and Dad fought A LOT (dad had a few problems with that fidelity thing) and I do remember being relieved when that stopped.

I cannot second strongly enough the advice to remain civil and not say bad stuff about your ex in front of Tiny Tot. After the actual divorce was final (that in-between time was rough going), my mother was very diplomatic with and regarding my father. That allowed me to form my own opinion and my own relationship with him. By contrast, Mr. Winkie’s parents (they divorced while all 3 boys were in college) never missed an opportunity during the first several years to say bad things about each other to whatever combination of sons and daughters-in-law were present. All that did was make the boys mad at both of them.

re: keeping in touch – the audio tape idea is fabulous! The year before my parents’ divorce, we moved all the way to Indiana from New Jersey, where all my grandparents lived. My grandfather recorded several Rudyard Kipling stories on tape for me, so that I would know his voice and we would have something to share and talk about on the phone. 25 years later, we still talk (or instant message, these days) about it.

Good luck – my heart is with you all!

30

Aw geez, this drags up some harsh memories…

All I can say is that kids are both amazingly resilient and fragile at the same time. Things youthink will devastate them–they just shrug them off. Then, they’ll turn around and be heartbroken over something you thought was wasn’t very important.

The turmoil eventually settles down, usually. I think, though, that it’s sometimes harder to make a divorce work than a marriage.

I’ll echo the previous posters and say be honest, but brief.

My most heartfelt best wishes to all of the Tots.

31

Hi Tracy Honey,
Most of the advice I’d give you has been given, and quite well. My only addition is to do it NOW. If you are leaving soon, he needs time to adjust and ask questions and he won’t be able to do that after you’ve gone. He will need the time to ask over and over and just to be with you, knowing his time his short. Please don’t deprive him of that. (I’d be pissed if you did it to me!) My email is on file, feel free.
And I’ll send you some Taterdog photos for your new place.

32

Tracy, I don’t have any advice to add really except to echo dragonlady’s excellent advice to tell TinyTot now. You will be in the States in just a few weeks and he needs the time until then to let you reassure him things are going to be okay. TinyTot is a very smart kid and he will probably have many questions. You need time to be able to field them. With all the great advice that has been posted here already, if he asks you a question you don’t know how to answer, you can always post it and let the “experts” try!

33

We’ve told him but I don’t think he really understands what is going on. He was very excited when I told him I would send him an e-card every day and that we could write each other letters in the real mail. And thank goodness for ultra-cheap long-distance! Once I’m settled, I’m going to get a webcam for my computer so we can do net meetings (he’s a big gadget freak, so this will be a treat).

He didn’t ask any questions about why we were splitting up, which was a relief and somewhat troubling at the same time (I’m the original neurotic parent :(). I just told him that this was what was best for all three of us right now, and that he shouldn’t worry because the grown-ups were going to make sure that he will always been taken care of and loved. And he will be.

And lord help me, but I actually sung a Barney song to him. (Although he sees his parents just one at a time, they both love him every day…). I swore I would never do that. Somebody hold me, quick.

I am grateful that he has a lot of interesting things going on in his life right now that I hope will give him something positive to focus on. He’s just started soccer and both my brother and sister are moving back to the area, so he’ll get lots of attention. It kind of hurts that he won’t be getting it from me, but I’m glad he has so many people in his life that love him and want to spend time with him.

But he’ll still be my baby. Right? RIGHT??? Sorry, I told y’all I was neurotic. :wink:

34

Good job. Yes, he’ll always be your tatertot (tho’ when he’s 16 like my son, he’ll rebel at being called itty bitty names :smiley: )

Don’t worry too much (IMHO) about him not asking why. I’m trying to remember when my son asked me. I know that I told him stuff like “the only thing we agreed about was what a terrific kid you are. and we didn’t even agree about exactly what makes you terrific” (of course, he’d seen us argue once, and that was sufficient).

He also went through another divorce when he was tatertot’s age (his dad’s 3rd marriage went under). He never asked why then, either, although he seemed to have a decent enough grasp on that.

I believe you’ve got my e-mail if you need/want, right???

35

All I can possibly add is:

Dont act guilty, or let him pick up on your feeling of guilt - this is best for all right? DONT feel guilty! If he senses the guilt, he will think its a bad thing.

Stress that there are all kinds of families, with 2 moms, or no dad, or whatever. Its a terrible cheesy chiche, but very true. There are tons of age appropriate books on that same topic.

My heart is aching for you, it really is. You are living my nightmare. All my best wishes are with you.

36

You two should try as hard as you can to stay together. Your child needs both of you.

My wife went through a very messy divorce when she was young. She can still be reduced to tears at memories of her mom leaving the house. Thousands of other adults can tell you the same thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both

37

PharmBoy, I think you are a little late on that advice. And thousands upon thousands of adults can also tell you how horrible it was to grow up with parents who did not get along at all.

IMHO, having done this many times, it is the quality of the parenting that counts, not whether the parents are divorced or not. Messy divorces are bad, and so are messy marriages. Both cause a lot of damage to kids. Your wife suffered a mess, and that factor magnifies how bad it was to lose a parent. Yes, both parents are needed, but you can do this properly, or really poorly.

It sounds like tatertot and her soon-to-be-ex are doing a very decent job of the divorce, and will probably do a very decent job of being ‘co-parents’… as she said, the guy is a great dad, just not a great husband for her. Every divorce I’ve seen (and been through) where the parents were both tuned in to being parents FIRST, and where they put the welfare of the kid primary in the process of the divorce, the kids have managed very well. It is still never easy, but having the parents be grownups about it makes all the difference.

tatertot, your baby will always be your baby. Even after the phase of ‘vagueness’ before I started really relating to my dad again, I remained his ‘baby-daughter’ - he still slips and calls me that sometimes (and I’m 34 years old!), and I don’t mind at all (might have during the early teen years, but he didn’t slip back then). As long as you don’t embarrass him in public by calling him your baby in front of his friends, he’ll probably be just as comfortable being your baby boyo as he would have otherwise. If he can’t stand being your ‘baby’, he probably would have felt that way even if you’d been there all the time.

Extra hugs, and please do not guilt about using whatever tool comes to hand, even if it is a Barney song. If it felt appropriate at the time, it was. There’s so much that you have to roll with in this process, and so much that is outside your experience and expectations, getting hung up on one event is a waste of energy. Let the evil Barney moment go, and focus on the fact that you were doing two things with that - 1) placing your child’s welfare ahead of even your own usual standards, and 2) trying to make this seem less disastrous and more part of the normal flow of life (hey, if Barney has a song about it, it is common, right?). How can you fault yourself for that?

Hang in there. Great that your sibs will be around, too. And go with your feelings on things, too - if you just can’t bear being out of the country for that long, it might be time to look at different jobs. I know one set of parents who vastly rearranged their lives for the sake of their kids - to the point of the mom completely switching career tracks, and the dad buying a house in the same neighborhood, so that they could do joint custody without doing more than switching bus stops (same school, same activities, same friends, same neighborhood). You’ll have to feel your way through things (job change might not be feasible, say), but trust your gut.

And don’t worry about no questions. If you do it right, the questions will probably come out over time, slowly, as they occur to him. I can’t imagine coming up with a list of questions about things at that age - too much would be beyond my understanding and experience, unless I had friends who had been through it, too. Keep open to questions over time, and I’m sure you’ll hear a few.

38

tater I talked to my son last night and asked specifically. He was about 6 when his dad split with wife #3.

He said "just answer the questions that are asked, when they’re asked. " As far as ‘why’ if it’s asked at that age, ‘its a grown up decision’ was a good answer in his eyes. He said that at that age it’s comforting that the grown ups are in charge and make those kind of decisions.

On a side note, he said not only did he never think it was his fault, his take on it was ‘who in the hell would think so?’, so it is not neccessarily a foregone conclusion.

39

Thanks, hedra, you’ve given me a lot to think about.

I do have to go to the States for these next few months to get things sorted out. Damn legal system, why can’t I do this over the internet? I guess right now I feel a little left out because my entire immediate family (parents, brother, sister, niece) will be seeing Nicholas more often than I do. I’m happy for him, but that selfish part of me is jealous.

Re: Moving to be closer to the ex. I don’t feel comfortable going into the details right now, but I think it’s better in the long run for me to be away for now. Of course, I feel like shit because I won’t get to see Nicholas as often as I’d like, but I’m somewhat comforted that he’s been separated from his father for up to 6 months at a time and they still have a good relationship.

Pharm Boy, I do wish things could be different. I always thought that I’d be able to keep things together for the child(ren) but that was before I was in this situation. I do think Nicholas will still have both of us, maybe not in the way he’d prefer, but I can’t see either of us ever being not available for him.

Thanks to everyone who has sent me supportive/helpful emails. I have read them, just haven’t had the time to reply. In fact, gotta run now, cartoon time is over and I’m back on duty.

40

Well, your asking for the Lord’s help is certainly a step in the right direction. But, up until then, I had absolutely no idea you were that desperate.

And I might add that, unless you solemnly swear before the rest of the SD Community that this is an isolated incident and will remain such, you’re in definite risk of losing more than a few friends here.

:smiley: