So I guess we're trying to conceive? Books, resources, etc.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Partly about books so CS, partly about experiences, plus I think all the baby baby baby people hang here and in MPSIMS, right?

We’ve been talking about it off and on for a while but my husband wanted to wait until our anniversary before we really, you know, talked about it. So we’d sort of sideways agreed that we’re absolutely pants-shittingly terrified but that we think we want to do this. And personally, once I make a decision I’d much rather just get on with it, but I was respecting his wishes to wait - except Saturday out of the blue he pauses the movie we’re watching and says “Why don’t you get an appointment to get that IUD removed?”

So eek, we’re gonna move forward with this.

And I understand that yes, it might not be that easy. (I’m 33, he’s 42, we’re not old but we do need to get moving on it.) I don’t think we’re willing to pursue any extreme measures for a baby if it doesn’t happen. I do want it to hurry up and happen because I’ve gotten damned used to this Mirena thing and I’ve forgotten what the “feminine needs” aisle looks like.

I like to think I’m pretty laid back about the whole thing, but it seems I’m kind of famously not-laid-back - I told my running partner and she asked how long I’d been taking prenatal vitamins and what books I’ve read, and I told her two months and gave her a list.

So what books do YOU all think are worth reading? I’ve got What to Expect (I am not easily spookable - I don’t think I’ll give it to my husband to read but that sort of thing is actually pretty comforting for me, just knowing exactly what can go wrong and how and what the chances are of that happening - haven’t read it yet though.) I also picked up that Happiest Baby on the Block book everybody talks about.

I read most of the preconception stuff we have here at the library that isn’t permanently checked out or on trace, so I haven’t read Taking Charge of Your Fertility but I did read What to Expect Before You’re Expecting (which was totally common sense stuff for any reasonably well educated person, a real let down.) And I skimmed through some actual pregnancy books, the Mayo Clinic guide and I forget what else.

A few years ago when I was seriously considering becoming a midwife I did quite a bit of reading on that side of the birth spectrum, although of course now it’s relevant to my interests in a different way. We don’t have a ton of varied birth options here - my preference, given an uncomplicated low risk pregnancy, would be a free-standing birth center, but there’s only one in town which makes it a lot harder to evaluate. I’m going to talk to my OB-GYN when I go have the Mirena out, but I’ve only actually seen this one once before and I don’t really have a feel for how comfortable she is with less medicalization. I don’t think we’re really “home birth people”, but I get the feeling that all the local hospital “birth centers” just have prettier curtains and wood floors but you still get the same pitocin-epidural-C-section landslide of interventions, and I am very concerned about that. So I’m really not sure how to explore options on that front. (I know it sounds like I’m putting the cart before the horse here but this is, like, the biggest decision I’ve ever made in my life. You can divorce a husband, you can’t drop a teenager off in a basket in front of your neighbor’s house. So of course the whole thing is very much on my mind.)

Web resources other than the strictly factual seem to be a big dumb bust - either it’s “okay so after you’ve picked your c-section date” or it’s “then you enter the dolphin pod and select the kindest dolphin for your midwife” or it’s “haven’t you always wanted to buy all this stuff? Look at all this stuff we can sell you!” Are there actually any good sites out there? I’ve been afraid to even THINK about communities - until they invent virtual bitchslapping I’m not sure I can handle that. Plus stress is bad for the notional baby.

So obviously it makes me feel better about this huge life decision to feel informed. (So I figured I’d ask you guys instead of bombarding my poor husband who is probably rethinking this. I paused Breaking Bad last night to ask what he thought of Lydia as a name. Telling me to ‘calm down’ is not going to be useful advice.) I’m looking for any good resources you can all suggest (and not just for conception or pregnancy, baby stuff is good too), advice, comments, etc. I think I’ve read all the remotely funny books on the subject that aren’t by Jenny McCarthy but I’ll take recommendations there too.

Eek!

2

<sob> nothing?

3

You’re already taking pre-natal vitamins and that’s really the only important thing.

Are you trying for it on a timetable, or simply stopping preventing it? We wanted spring babies and used ovulation kits to achieve that. We also tried some methods to get the desired gender on the second one. I think it’s unlikely such things work, but we did get what we wanted.

I’m totally into the hospital birth. Pitocin and epidurals are good things, in my opinion. Giving birth is not a test of womanhood where doing it the most “natural” way makes you a winner. But C-sections and episiotomies are things to avoid, if possible. In any case, talk with your doctor a lot and find out their opinions on them.

Talk also with your partner about expectations you have of each other and the process. This is especially important during labor because you want him to know your preferences while you’re concentrating on giving birth.

As for what stuff you need, you mostly don’t need it. I’d suggest deciding how much you want to spend, make a list of everything you might want, and then eliminate things until you reach your budget. Spending willy-nilly because you’re pregnant and “baby could use this” and “oh that’s cute” will break your bank account.

4

One word: epidural.

5

I love the name Lydia. And hey - congrats on your possibly impending pregnancy/babby.

6

But…but…Croesus! You don’t want your little girl being taunted by a bunch of third graders harassing her because she was “conquered by the Persians” do you?

Errrmmm…well other than lame history-geek jokes I have nothing concrete to offer other than a thread bump. But congratulations on your hopefully impending conception Zsofia :).

7

The most useful book I read while pregnant was Pregnancy Sucks. If reading about all the horrible crap that can happen to you will freak you out don’t read it, but if being better informed about what COULD happen and how to handle that type of stuff would be more helpful than harmful then I highly recommend it.

Also, be prepared to nod, smile and say, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind” as people foist stupid-ass advice on you for 9 months. “Oooh, you shouldn’t be eating pizza!” one person will say. “You need to get rid of your cat!” another will say. “Unplug your microwave until after the baby is born!” yet another will say. If you told every person who gives you stupid advice to fuck off you won’t have any friends or family left after the baby is born so learn to smile and and keep all of the punching located in your imagination.

8

My best advice is to not read books… or at least, stop reading them as soon as you start taking them seriously. God and babies laugh at plans.

9

No advice here. Just sending good wishes.

10

Baby Bargains. I gave our (two!) copies away, but I believe it has stuff in there about what you actually need vs. what the baby industry is trying to sell you. (But in general I would recommend trying to get as many hand-me-downs as possible. Babies don’t care if their stuff has been heavily used before they get it.)

I too am a big fan of the epidural, though I know people who’ve gone without, and at least two people who did multiple home births. But yeah, it’s not a competition, and just because you get an epidural doesn’t mean you have to get caught up in the intervention cycle. I talked to my doctor because I was concerned about it, and he said that the studies weren’t clear on correlation vs. causality (are there more interventions because these are the kinds of pregnancies that would have needed them anyway, etc.). And we talked about how I wanted to avoid certain types of intervention unless clearly indicated (pitocin, c-section), and he was very good about asking me – and not pressuring me at all – in the event. (It turned out I said no to attempting to induce labor, yes to his breaking my waters once labor had progressed, and yes to using a suction cup to get the kid out. The Little One had a great big head.)

11

All these recommendations are good so far. If you do decide to join a community, I recommend Fertility Friend, but join the member created group boards (i.e. TTC in your 30’s) rather then the main boards, which is where most of the idiots hang out.

As someone who is IF, I always recommend that you at least track your cycles (i.e. days and when you have your period) just so you have a starting point should you need to start looking a bit closer at what’s going on.

Good luck! I hope you have a quick conception and an easy pregnancy.

12

My sister had great success conceiving using an app that tracks your cycle. She got pregnant within the first month of using it.

I did two ivfs that resulted in my two kids so I’m a big fan of epidurals and have some experience doing ivf/icsi and a amnio.

13

My suggestion is to have lots of sex.

Because just reading a lot of books about babies won’t get you pregnant*

*I am not a doctor and the opinions contained herein are only opinions of a layperson. However, I DID manage to get pregnant, so I consider myself something of an expert.

Oh, and congratulations on the decision to possibly conceive a baby!

Oh, and another thing. My first born child is named Lydia, so I love that name. Fortunately, it was a girl.

14

OKAY WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES JUST BOUGHT THAT OUT FROM UNDER ME?

Seriously, it was available when I clicked on it and when I searched at the liberry and found it’s all on trace I tried to buy it… fess up. I know it was one of you.

15

NETA - I feel weird about looking too hard pre-conception, because “trying to conceive” is… not what we’re doing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m doing this with intention. We’re not just “not trying”. But people who have a whole acronym, they’re completely differently focused - they’ve maybe had losses, or they’ve been trying for a certain amount of time, or are a certain age… I’m not sure we have a ton in common. (Not that it means anything, but back in 1980 my mom had me when she was 38 and my dad was 48. So if that has any genetic carryover…)

16

Decide if you want to try or don’t want to try immediately. At your age, time is not really on your side. If you want to try seriously investigate your cycles for several months to try and spot any problems. You should have a clear pattern of fertile cervical fluid followed by a temp rise indicating ovulation. Try ovulation prediction kits to see if you’re ovulating chemically.

If you see a problem on your side within the first few months then run as fast as you can to an OB. You and your husband should get checked out. Give yourselves at least six months to a year of sex first. But don’t wait any longer if you suspect anything’s wrong.

Also TCOYF, while generally correct, does not have all the facts quite right. You can ovulate twice in a month. That’s why I have a late December baby.

Above all else, do not name a child Messiah. :smiley:

17

I would add to this–don’t go to an OB. Go to a reproductive endocrinologist from the get-go. Infertility treatments are a highly specialized field and there have been a lot of changes in the last decade. OBs, in my experience, have a very limited tool kit and keep women on treatments far too long after it’s clear they are not working. Then, when a woman ends up at the RE, they want to redo all the same tests anyway–and a year has been lost. It’s cheaper to start at the RE.

Next, do think long term. It’s not at all late to start on a baby, but if you want two, and especially if you want maybe three, time is tighter. If both parents are going to work full time, the logistics of two babies close together get very complicated and extraordinarily expensive.

Last, some things to think about in terms of money.

Baby stuff is nothing. It’s a rounding error. Your major expenses are going to be medical and, more than anything, lost income and/or daycare. Read your insurance with an eagle eye, and talk to women who have had babies where you work. Ask them how much they were out of pocket. Don’t make best case predictions. Pretty much assume that you will be paying your deductible + out of pocket maximum. Remember that that is TWO deductibles and two out of pocket maximums, or the family max. Also, look on both your plans to see what happens to your premiums when you add a dependent. At my job, it’s like a $400 month jump from self to self + child.

Second: lost income. If you have to use saved up sick days, don’t just assume you’ll miss six weeks: if at all possible, budget for more, and if you don’t need it, great. However, don’t drain all your time: during that first year there are going to be doctors’ appointments and the baby will be sick sometimes and need someone to stay home. You need to talk about who is going to do that (this will depend on job flexibility and personality) and if it’s going to be you, you need to think about that when you are counting paid days off.

Last: daycare. Infant daycare is horrifically expensive, and for good reason. Infants take a great deal of care: you have 4:1 ratio at the highest, and I think that’s too high. So don’t rely on numbers quoted by people that have a 3 year old in a daycare: it’s not the same.

Now, when you sit down and look at these numbers you may balk. It’s amazing how they add up. The good news is that you have time to save. But now would be the time to start: reconfigure your life and start paying off all debt as quickly as possible and start socking money away. You have to both be on board with this.

But this is why I say 33 is almost pushing it to have two: if you have to use saved up sick days to cover maternity leave, that means either waiting to build up the days again (which takes 4-6 years, most places) or taking the entire thing unpaid. That, plus medical plus infant daycare basically mean that you almost have to wait till kid one is in Kindergarten before you can afford kid two.

18

Your and your hubby’s age?
You both work (daily commute)?
How long have you been trying?
No special medical concerns?

19

My tips (noting we eventually had 2 kids via IVF)
Consider getting a range of tests just to confirm things like proof of ovulation, ‘egg quality’ and sperm health given your age. I had a friend who was in early menopause at 36, just didn’t know it.
Get both of you onto fertility vitamins (yes, him too if he’s not already). Menevit is the brand here in Australia, I’m sure there’s something in the US as well.
Get him into boxers, no laptop on the lap, lay off cycling for the moment if he does it - you want to get the scrotum temperature a little lower than body temperature for best quality swimmers.
Reduce your intake of caffeine - can impact fertility, can definitely have a miscarriage risk.
Full fat dairy is meant to help fertility too.
Get familiar with your cervical mucus - one of the biggest signals of fertile days. Fertility Friend can be helpful in tracking ovulation (only picks it up post, but at least you know/don’t know you’re doing it.) I took almost a year’s worth of tracking to my fertility specialist who could see at a glance that something was up, saved us a lot of time.
Ovulation predictor kits can be handy, but don’t spend the money on them for a few months.
No use of lube, can be deadly to sperm, as can saliva. Use mineral oil or a specific sperm-friendly lube.

You will likely have no problems! I don’t want to say relax because that has nothing to do with it, but chances are things will go swimmingly :), and looking forward to hearing you’re as sick as a dog. If not, plenty of us on the boards have been through the next steps (in a lot of directions), in case you ever need advice.

20

Step one log off the computer and go get busy. Studies have shown more babies result from sex than surfing the net. :-). Remember practice makes perfect and you want a perfect child so keep practicing.
Step two see if you can find a book called Baby Taming. Very funny practical advice.
Good luck and best wishes.