So I guess we're trying to conceive? Books, resources, etc.

In My Humble Opinion
21

I came in to say this, so instead I’ll just second it. Conception isn’t an easy thing for some people, and if you hit trouble, having some information about your cycles will be really helpful if you need to see a specialist.

I remember being so excited about starting to “try”, and buying books and thinking about names and painting a room yellow to be a nursery… and two years later we’re about to start down the IVF road. That’s why I recommend that you enjoy the trying and don’t think too far ahead quite yet, except maybe for finances or health insurance. Once you’re pregnant, you’ll have several months to research labor pain management and all that. I definitely recommend against jumping the gun and buying a ton of baby books right away. If it takes you much longer than you expect to get pregnant, those books on your shelf may start to look like they’re mocking you.

Of course, I wish you nothing but the best, including a quick conception and a happy healthy pregnancy and little one. You’ll probably have no trouble at all and will come back in under a year with some fantastic pictures of a new Doper baby to share with us all. Best of luck.

22

And what Manda Jo is talking about in terms of money is nothing - if you are in the U.S. and even vaguely middle class - assume college will be your problem and there won’t be a ton of free financial aid - even a state school right NOW will likely be $100k. And you are saving for school while paying - depending on the stage in life - daycare, sports costs, shoes every three months, piano lessons, food to feed the Dallas Cowboys - in other words, the baby stuff doesn’t stop, when they are fourteen there is still something then need - and there are still major expenses

23

Pregnancy books are particularly mocking once you’ve decided that adoption is the path for you :slight_smile: My copy of Baby Bargains got tossed across the room and into the trash - yes, yes, breast is best, but some of us don’t need lectures on it, and DO need to know about bottles and formula. Finding good information on formula was really hard fifteen years ago (and probably hasn’t gotten easier).

24

Y’all, I can’t get off the computer and start trying now, I don’t get my Mirena out until next week! :slight_smile:

Luckily, I have family in town and I’ve asked my mother, back when we started talking about it, if she was serious when she’s been saying for ages that she could keep Tater. (We call our not-baby Tater because of her - my mom was generally resigned to me not having any until I got engaged and then I guess her grandma-hormones started working - I said something to her in a restaurant once about a couple with a baby being smart to take it out when it’s little because it’s like a noisy sack of potatoes and she burst into tears because I called our totally imaginary baby “it”. So we’ve been saying “Tater” when we joke about our not-baby ever since just to piss her off.) I do realize that plans can change - she’s in her 70’s now and totally able to do that, but you never know what the future holds.

As our careers are right now, if somebody had to stay home it would have to be my husband. Neither of us make mad bank or anything, but I’ve got a more career track job than he does - he’s working at a position that’s technically entry level because he had to escape a bad situation, and there just aren’t a lot of options for him to move up (he’s in newspapers. Yeah.) He’s been looking to shift into some other industry, especially PR in the public sector, but it’s tough when they’re looking for specific resume keywords you don’t have. His insurance sucks balls so we just moved him on to mine which is HOLY SHIT EXPENSIVE. I work one of those dinosaur jobs where you don’t even pay for insurance, but adding him to mine was an extra $180 a pay period. Adding Tater would be an extra $75. Which is, frankly, quite a bit of money.

So we’d have to do stay at home dad rather than daycare if anything happened to the Grandma Solution. And I don’t know who the hell has that much sick leave saved up - my workplace is pretty generous and I’ve got, like, a week. FMLA is unpaid, but I guess that’s what we gotta do. I’m not aware of any other options except, like, there’s disablity leave but that doesn’t apply to normal pregnancies. I do have a good bit of annual leave but I don’t want to burn everything and end up needing to take time here and there.

Baby stuff I’m not concerned about - my parents and their friends would shit such a gold brick if we got knocked up that keeping baby stuff OUT of the house is more likely to be an issue. And babies just aren’t that expensive, normally. They don’t require piano lessons. People put them to sleep in dresser drawers. I’m concerned about the time off work, the health insurance, and of course the long term. But people have kids all the time who make a lot less money than we do, and those kids turn out fine, you know? Plus it’s not like we’re going to be spending our money on anything else - forget cute shoes and going out, there’s a screaming shitting thing at home.

25

I wrote OB because an RE might not be covered under her health insurance plan. An OB can help with some basics if she needs them like an IUI and a few cycles of clomid. An RE can be very expensive.

26

My husband stays home with our son and it’s worked out great, but it’s only possible because we stopped with the “cute shoes and going out” a full three years before we actually had the baby. And while other people with less money may have kids and do fine, remember that the really poor people are on medicaid, so they aren’t paying a ton in insurance and THEN paying $6000 in medical bills for the delivery. Also, just because the kids turned out fine doesn’t mean the parents don’t remember those years as a miserable grind of poverty, conflict, and cycling debt.

I would really, really recommend reassessing you budget now and shifting your spending now. Best case scenario is to figure out what you would do if your husband got laid off tomorrow: how would that work? Figure out how to cover your regular nut out of your check, and then use 100% of your husband’s take-home to pay off debt and save. That’s what we did. That way, when the baby is born if grandma decides she isn’t up to full-time newborn care after all, you will already know it’s possible for your husband to stay home, and you will have a significant nest egg for 1) that horrible hospital bill and 2) any unforeseen expenses. I don’t want to scare you but there are a number of things that could happen that would be dramatically expensive.

At the very least, find a way to put $200-$400/month into a baby budget. That’s about as much as I find our son adds monthly expenses just for food and clothes and equipment.

I guess what I am saying is that finances is the ONE AREA where you can’t say “we will figure it out when we get there”. Everything else is too nebulous and there are too many variables and there is really no point in worrying about them (though it’s fun, and doesn’t hurt t play house.) The one thing you know is that whatever you do, it will be fucking expensive, and preparation now can do nothing to help. Also, get in shape if you aren’t.

27

With regards to fertility treatments, I really don’t think we’d be on board with too much of that. Of course I’m sure a lot of people say that and then when they find they’re having trouble they change their minds, or end up saying “well one more thing” (and sometimes just doing one more thing and sometimes going whole hog eventually) but I seriously doubt we would pursue it past perhaps something like an IUI. I’d be very concerned about anything like Clomid that might put us at risk for multiples. Twins already run in my mom’s family.

I also don’t think we’d have more than one.

28

IME most REs are covered as OBs, if you are seeing them for OB stuff. It’s specific procedures and specific medications that aren’t covered. And diagnosing infertility is usually covered.

29

If a person has fertility issues, they should at least get diagnosed; if you have a big old fibroid, you want to know.

30

Great post, Manda JO. I think we should also sit down and consider if we should completely change the way we do our finances - right now we have yours mine and ours, which works for us. But add a Tater and maybe we should just start doing ours, maybe with small monthly trickles to yours and mine so I don’t have to care if he buys a comic book.

31

Another thing that you have probably heard time and again but hasn’t really sunk in yet is that you will do ANYTHING for this child. For most of my life when I heard people talk about being willing to sacrifice anything for their kid or do anything to protect their baby I pictured a disheveled mother fighting off a rabid badger with a trident or something, willing to die for her beloved child. And that is totally true, you would fight off a rabid badger with a trident if you had to for your baby.

But nobody tells you all the other stuff that entails too. Before I had a baby I had just assumed I would keep working because I was good at my job and it was important to me to be able to take care of my child if something happened to my husband, so of course I ended up being a stay at home mom for the first year and a half of her life. I’ve gone back to work now but instead of the $50,000 a year job I had before she was born I’m working part time retail at a big box store because my “real” job doesn’t start until mid-September and we really can’t afford to be without my income until then. Why can’t we afford for me to go another month without a job, you ask? Because we just fucking moved across three states so she could be in one of the best school districts in the nation. Baby refuses to eat the dinner you put in front of her and wants the food on your plate? Just hand it over and know you will get to eat after she goes to bed. Sexy time with your husband after baby goes to bed? You better hope your kid is good and asleep, because if they have a nightmare or a wet diaper one of you is going to be left all hot and bothered while the other throws on a robe to go take care of the little one. You want to watch MasterChef while you make dinner? Fuck you, baby wants to watch the same episode of Dinosaur Train for the 7,000th time and baby gets what baby wants, ya dig?

I am sure that you are aware of the trident/badger type situation, but lots of people go into having a kid thinking that it really won’t change anything, that baby will just fit into your world like an extra piece for your life puzzle when it is often more like adding extra weight to your PLINKO chip, sending you zooming off into another pathway you hadn’t expected to find yourself on based on your current trajectory. It can fuck up your world really badly if you don’t go into parenting with a little elasticity.

Make plans. Plan out everything, read every book, decorate the nursery, etc. and know that if the universe throws down the gauntlet you need to have planned out the best way to go with the flow so you don’t end up frustrated and resentful because, “life wasn’t supposed to be like this!”

32

Diapers were $100 a month - $200 when we had two. A diaper service would have been more expensive - washing my own slightly less - but the hot water, detergent, investment in diapers - not that much less. Formula was another $100 - my bio daughter rejected the breast at six months. And mine were babies a decade ago - they grow up fast - and then they take piano lessons - because at pbbth says, you’ll do anything for your kids, I know people who work two jobs so their daughter can be on a traveling softball league.

33

Yes. Sometimes you just need to put the book down and take your pants off.

<3

34

Diapers have gotten better, so you use fewer (don’t I sound like a bad mama?) and my baby seems to tolerate the cheap ones fine. But formula . . . oh my. I never could pump enough to keep up, and the doctor decided that there was some chance the baby might have a milk sensitivity, so no milk for me special formula for us. It was $300 a month, even as a supplement. Nothing like walking out of Walmart with a single bag holding close to $100 worth of stuff . . .once a week. Totally unpredictable and non-negotiable expense.

ETA: and of course, when that stopped, he started eating FOOD. Like, every day. And where I can live on rice and beans, I kinda want to feed the baby a wide variety of fresh fruits and vegetables. And he’s still a baby.

35

Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry

The best book out there for parents.

36

We had ours when we were ages 31 and 34, so just bracketing your age (though younger than your husband). My wife had been anovulatory for years, but we were able to get away with the absolute minimum fertility treatment–clomid worked immediately for Kid 1, and took two cycles for Kid 2. I got a sperm count done before we started trying, just to avoid wasting time with treating her.

What to Expect is great for the description of the stages of pregnancy, but the eating advice is prescriptive to the point of ridiculousness. They make you think having a f*$#ing cookie occasionally will give you and the baby diabetes. Everything in moderation.

Read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. It’s a memoir of her son’s first year of life (she was a single mother; the dad was uninvolved). You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll also realize that it is possible to just muddle through child rearing without the expertise of an entire library, and everything can turn out fine. Not that we didn’t have a bunch of books, mind you. :wink:

We send Kid 1 off to college in a few days, so she’s not really a child anymore, but she still need a cuddle last night to get past a little meltdown over leaving home. Parenting is quite a ride–parts of it come to an end, but I don’t think it’s ever really over.

Good luck!

PS My niece is named Lydia. It’s a lovely name.

37

I think it requires elasticity and a change of outlook; you kind of have to get used to the idea that your life is going to be dominated by things like naptime, bedtime, etc… because it just doesn’t work well to get your kid off schedule by too much.

Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that if you’re still enjoying a very outside-the-home lifestyle and are not willing to give it up, you may want to reconsider having kids, because a lot of that may become impossible, and what remains may be very difficult with a baby or toddler in tow.

That being said, it’s terrific in many ways. There’s nothing like coming home from work and having your 19 month old son start hollering “Dadeee!” until you pick him up and hug him, or watching him a bit later trying to talk to the grandparents on Facetime.

38

Any suggestions, BTW, on books for men? Because I’ve looked at a few and they’re uniformly awful. Seriously condescending, etc. “So brodog, you went and knocked the little lady up! Now, these days that means you might have to put down your beer when it cries, but don’t worry, you’re not gonna hate the thing!”

I mean, it’s not like you need a man-specific book on, say, baby health and development, or specifically on pregnancy, but SURELY somebody has written something good specifically about fatherhood, societal expectations, how your own dad screwed you up, etc, just like they have for women? Yes? And I just… haven’t found it even though that’s kind of my job?

39

I am in month nine of this journey…good luck! Of all the dozen or so books I read, the best book I got was the Expectant Father by Armin Brott. It’s aimed towards dads, but it takes a really good tone- it walks you through the process, backs up what it has to say with research, and gives a lot of neat information about human development that goes beyond the pretty obvious advice you find in most pregnancy books. I also enjoyed having a good thick picture book of fetal development. Other than that, keep one of the standard books around for answering questions like “Is this something I need to call a doctor for immediately, or can it wait till morning”, and get a good book illustrating fetal development to flip through and daydream about.

As for fertility, are you a normal weight, generally in good health, and do you have a normal period? If so, chances are that you are perfectly capable of getting pregnant (though it may take a bit longer than it would a decade ago), and will be for some time. There is absolutely no need at 33 to start thinking about fertility specialists before you’ve tried for a while. Everyone loves giving dire warnings, but if you are generally healthy, chance is very much on your side.

Don’t tell anyone the name you picked out. Once you’ve named the kid, everyone will adapt to the name and it won’t be an issue. But if you walk around blabbing it beforehand, everyone is going to have an opinion. I managed to get talked out of my top name- don’t let this happen to you. Keep it under wraps.

Buy a small amount of very good maternity clothing. My black maternity pencil skirt changed my life, but the rest of the stuff I bought either got outgrown or didn’t work for whatever reason. I’ve spent most of the summer in a few shapeless dresses I got from a consignment store, which isn’t idea but is fine.

Pay attention to what you eat. I’ve always been slim, so I figured pregnancy would be an okay time to loosen up on my eating habits (and pregnancy made me crazy hungry all the time). Predictably, I put on way more weight than recommended, and once you’ve put it on, you have to wait until after the pregnancy to do anything about it. I wish I had just stayed disciplined to begin with…it’d make my pregnancy and post-pregnancy a lot easier.

Be prepared to experience this in a very different way than your partner. The experience will be very bodily, very real, to you, and more abstract to your partner. For you, a lot of things are going to change pretty quickly and you will feel every darn second of the pregnancy, but your partner won’t really get the changes until after the baby is born. At the same time, he is going through a huge emotional process and it can be hard to respect his needs when your needs are so overwhelming and immediate. And at times, you will be REALLY IN to the baby, when he’s still seeming to putter along like nothing changed. You’ll feel periods of neglect, resentment, neediness, frustration, etc. It’s a good time to work on open communication, vocalize your needs, and make sure to ask what he needs.

Get the apps from the pregnancy boards, and join the board for your birth cohort. Yes, it’s not the level of discourse on the SDMB. But it can be very helpful to see other people experiencing the same symptoms and emotions as you are and it can be a good preview of what to expect next. Other than that, stay off the internet, especially for health symptoms. All the advice you get will be wrong, and often dangerous. Ask your doctor, or consult trusted sources.

40

The book that was the best for me was “Be Prepared”. It’s written much like a Boy Scout Manual for new dads- matter of fact, doesn’t shy from the nasty stuff (the photo of the slimy, pointy-headed newborn is awesome, and accurate!), and very useful.

There are also new parent classes at most hospitals that I recommend taking- they’ll train you in how to change a diaper, how to swaddle your kid, and a bunch of other useful things. You usually get a pretty decent amount of new baby swag as well.

Finally, go take a baby/child CPR course; it’s quite a bit different than the way it’s done for adults.