Nope, it’s the right thing on both counts. If she wants to be with you, she will be – if she doesn’t, better to find out now, and no after she totally breaks your heart.
Least Original User Name Ever, if I knew who it was that might be doable. But then again that would require a whole lot of work. Stalkng is harder than you would think 
Today just sucked. I really do like this girl and I get dumped after three dates. Work sucked and there is no end in sight to the suckage*, and I don’t know what to do about this girl.
We are supposed to go out to lunch on Thursday or Friday, that is still on. I don’t know if I want to go. I don’t know if the switch from ‘woman I really dig and want to date’ to ‘woman who is really cool and just a friend’ is doable on my end. ACK! My return to the dating world is not going as well as I had hoped.
On the bright side there are apparently a ton of women from Russia who are on the dating site that find me attractive. On the down side they write things like:
The other thing that is bothering me is that I really want to say to this woman ‘Wait, let me get this straight. You were available and liked this guy for a long time. He was available and knew you liked him. Yet he doesn’t do anything about it until you start dating someone else? Doesn’t that sort of set off some alarm bells?’ Of course I won’t say that but the timing makes me wonder.
Oh well. <self pity rant>Sometimes I think I ought to just give up on the whole idea of meeting someone. Too much work, too much uncertainty and not a lot of payoff**</spr>
Slee
That is an actual quote. I am not sure what the Russian height to US weight ratio is, but it better be something like 1 to 1 or that is one extremely large lady**.
**Yeah, overly dramatic, I know. It is just that right now I am feeling a little worthless and a lot bummed. If she had done the whole I want to be friends thing I would still be a little bummed but at least my ego wouldn’t feel so damned bruised.
***This sentence confuses me. And I wrote it.
I think I just got another clue why I’m not married. If a guy came and told me “awww, but I like you!” just after and because I’d started dating another guy, my own answer would be “isn’t that nice?” - but only because I’m po-lite to alabaster vases and don’t break them over idiot’s heads.
Ask her: “does it still count as a date?”
I’ve been there before. Too many times. Having seen what I’ve seen, if that shit happens to me again I’m going to say “I don’t have time for your games, have a nice life”. The worst case scenario is you alienate her and whoever this dude is; the best case scenario is you show bragadaccio and get the girl for the wrong reasons, and you end up looking over your shoulder the whole time you’re with her (who knows how many more exes are going to step out of the woodwork and compete with you?) and you’ll leave some other dude hating you. The latter part is bad enough–I didn’t care about this until I got involved with a girl whose boyfriend was a knife-carrying biker dude who figured out what happened and started looking for trouble. I gave him the slip a couple of times and it never escalated, thankfully (I can be a real ninja about that kind of thing–ask me sometime about the time I got myself, a friend and an unknown tagger-on out of three arrests in the same night a couple of Halloweens ago), but it was a real wake up call. Some situations, you just don’t want to fuck with.
Of course, here I am sort-of trying to get a date with my coworker who’s boyfriended and such. At the end of the day it’s all about what your biology tells you to do.
Want to score points with this girl? Tell her you can’t go to lunch with her on Thursday/Friday–but don’t tell her the real reason, tell her you made plans. IME you gotta pretend you have more of a life than you do. I’ve told girls I was going to try to fix a computer all day long so they wouldn’t know I was sitting on the couch watching TV and waiting for them to call.
Aw, sorry to hear that things turned out this way for you. I definitely think you did the right thing by backing off and giving her a chance to think about what she wants. It’s much better to wait for something that both people feel is really right rather than trying to force something that will just end up blowing apart sooner or later. Hope that things start looking up again for ya soon.
Please, do NOT take this advice, sleestak. This is silly game-playing and IRL it does not work. To be fair, at least she TOLD you she had this other thing come up, when she could have strung you along until she knew for sure about the other guy. Yeah, it sucks that there’s this other guy, but it’s not a done deal.
Don’t try to be a player here. You did the right thing-- you were honest, said you were intersted, and still want to go out on a date. If she decides she wants the other guy, at least you were honest, put your feelings out there, and acquitted yourself with integrity. You can walk away with a clear conscience if need be. If you feign disinterest right now, you might be left wondering what would have happened if you were honest.
OTOH, don’t let her jerk you around either. I mean, go out on the date with her, see what happens, be open and honest, but if she doesn’t know what the heck she wants soon, just walk away. You don’t deserve to be toyed with.
Also, don’t give up on dating. Yeah, it’s a ton of bullshit and can be painful, but you will find what you’re looking for. It’s going to be OK.
If she accepts the cooking thing then don’t try to cook something too fancy to impress her but make sure you don’t go too simple. Also, don’t try to make fatty foods or really low calorie salads or whatever because I don’t know what this girl is like but she might take it the wrong way. I’m sure you wouldn’t date a girl who inferences immediately and act on that thought. Good luck!
Completely ignore that message. I was being an idiot and didn’t read the other posts. Forgive me for any pain this might have cause dyou.
ah…I remember those days when I was 123 ft…
:eek:
sorry about the curve ball she threw you–I would just flat out ask when you get to the restaurant, “is this a date?” If so, great (but still be leery), if not, have lunch with an attractive woman and then move on…
Hope it works out for you. I wouldn’t worry about the alcohol too much. As has been said, most of us non-alkies really dont’ care one way or another if you drink or not.
Take a breath.
Were you looking to establish absolute bonding with this woman in some minimum number of days?
She is a single mom who suddenly finds herself the focus of the attention of two men. Give her some time to work it out. She may not be playing you, but is just overwhelmed by the attention.
Continue to see her as long as she will see you (and as long as you enjoy seeing her) and while that is proceeding, continue to look for opportunities to date other women. Keep it all friendly an honest. This early in a relationship, the whole issue of exclusivity is more of a school thing than the actions and attitudes of adults. If, a couple of months down the line, (yes, months, not weeks or days or, certainly, hours), it looks to be going nowhere (or IF she does seem to be playing you), cut her loose. Until then, look on her as a potential friend with the possibility to be something more. If you and she click, all to the good and you will not need to worry about the other guy. If she clicks with someone else, then better to find out in a more relaxed situation than after you have seriously committed yourself.
Try getting married, IME you end up with a parade of people who suddenly want you.
Of course then you can’t do anything about it.
tomndebb, you are absolutely right.
This is a lot like starting all over again. I haven’t dated in a long, long * time. It is going to take me some time to get used to it again. It doesn’t help that I end up liking the first girl I date quite a bit only to get sorta dumped for another guy after we decided to keep going out. I mean, she seemed very happy about us going out again. On top of that, when I was drinking I pretty much convinced myself that I was worthless because, well, when I was drinking I was worthless.
I’ve always been kind of picky about people. I get along with people well enough but I’ve always been on the loner side. I dont’t have a large number of close friends but my friends who are close tend to be friends for life. I’ve known my best friend since highschool which is kind of amazing because I’ve moved around quite a bit. Anyway, the point being is that I was kind of pleasantly suprised that I liked this woman right off.
Anyway, I am contacting more people on the dating site that started this whole thing. We’ll see what happens.
Slee
(Ya know, I really could use some sympathy sex right about now** )
*She kept telling me she couldn’t wait until our next date, then said she is going to date the other guy. Quite a turn around.
** Just kidding. Kinda.
I wasn’t suggesting he string her out, either. Maybe my use of “score points” was confusing–I meant “look like you have a life” or “save a little face”, not “win her back”. My advice, remember, was to drop this potato like it was hot.
I just got out of a situation where I was one of two men that a woman suddenly found herself the focus of the attention of. All the pain involved was not worth even the most wonderful moments I had with her. Losing out to the other guy didn’t hurt a third as bad as being on an emotional roller coaster and being told during the week that she loved me more than she could ever love anyone else and then finding out that weekend that she had reconciled with the other dude and was giving him another chance. The toll the whole situation took on the egos and general emotional state of all three people involved was massive. I would be happy if I never felt those feelings for a woman for another 20 years.
This is a great illustration of why (IMHO) you need to get out right now before this gets any worse. Willpower, man.
Well, part of the suggestion for taking a deep breath was to suggest not going up the first hill of the roller coaster. The idea was to continue to enjoy the moments for themselves while seeking out other companionship at the same time. Then, if the mutual attraction grew, the outside people (that both parties were dating) would simply fall off as the interest atrophied and if the attraction, itself, atrophied, it would seem more like a mildly melancholic drifting away, and not a terrible loss.
Mind you, this is all offered as though one could actually control one’s feelings in such situations, but it is not offered as a “Do this” command so much as a “Try to see it this way” recommendation.
Pain is pain and I have no suggestions for alleviating it. (I never found releif in getting drunk, so I would spare sleestak any truly stupid suggestions from that direction.)
Well, I chatted a bit with her last night. I don’t know if we are still supposed to be going to lunch tomorrow, my guess is no because I haven’t heard from her today. I sent her an email asking. We’ll see. No biggie if it is off.
I am pretty much over the whole self-pity party. Didn’t last long. I thought about it a bit and realized that I let my expectations get ahead of the situation*. I am still not all that happy with the way she handled the situation but, she needs to do what she thinks is right.
Anyway, I am emailing another woman and we’ll see what happens with that.
Slee
- I was very suprised by how much I liked her and thought she liked me quite a bit as well. I didn’t expect that. I also expected, based on what she said, that we would be dating for a while, she was talking about taking me to her first art show in a couple months. I wasn’t prepared for the whole other guy thing.
Truly? I’ve been married 13 years this year and I’m convinced this is an urban legend. 
Slee – welcome to the wonderful world of dating. It’s all very … complicated. People are complicated, and they do screwy stuff. (Last week I had a nice phone conversation with a guy who said “let’s do dinner and a movie Saturday,” I said “fine,” my cat died Tuesday, I emailed him and said “I’m a mess here, give me a day or so,” he said “fine,” I emailed him Weds. night and said “are we still on for Saturday?” and I haven’t heard a peep since – except he was looking at my ad again on Tuesday. Explain that one to me.)
Anyway. People are screwy and dating is complicated.
And – cold consolation though it may be – remember my original comment in the other thread: “Odds are good she’s not The One.”
Think of it as another frog kissed (though some of them are definitely more fun to kiss than others).
The first line…or the second.
twickster, I am so sorry to hear about your cat. I’d be a mess.
Anyway, we’re going to meet for lunch today. I’m just going to go and enjoy hanging out with her.
I had also asked her out to see G3 the last time we went out and she said yes. Now I am not sure if I should pick up a ticket for her or not. It’s not a huge amount of money but it ain’t chump change either. I guess I’ll ask if she is still interested.
Slee
G3 is three of the best guitarists out doing a tour together. Ought to be an awesome show.
See, shoulda bagged her right off
Me too