Brief context: There’s a girl(henceforth referred to as the girl) I think is cute. I know her enough to say hello when we meet, and occasionally exchange a few sentences. Just about acquaintance level. A couple of months ago I was drinking at a party, and telling a common female friend that there’s this girl, and I think the girl’s cute. I think the friend has passed on this bit of information to the girl, along with my reputation, which I almost deserve, of being a bit of a slut. I think this because said friend warned me she would, and because the girl has been somewhat awkward when we meet, and not in any mood to stay around me much.
Immediate situation - Ten days or so ago I ran into the girl somewhere I wasn’t expecting her to be, and later that day sent her a one line email inquiring about it, thinking if she responds, it would mean some willingness to strike up a conversation. She didn’t respond.
As it so happened, I ran into her again a couple of days later, and because I didn’t want things to become weird, I told her I had sent her a mail, she probably hadn’t seen it, how was it that she was in this place? She told me, we spoke cheerfully for a couple of minutes, and I made myself scarce. Since I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, I’ve largely left her alone since then, including not speaking to her when we cross paths (which has happened a couple of times). And today, about a week after we spoke and she answered my question, there’s a mail from her, replying to my one line email, essentially repeating what she’d already told me.
This sounds to me like the oft repeated advice - that the best way to get a girl’s attention is to ignore her - has worked in this case*. Even though that’s not what I was trying to do. The problem with this is, nobody ever says what to do after I have her attention. I can’t go on ignoring her forever, that would be a tad…counterproductive. But I don’t trust my own instincts, because as I’ve told the dope before, I can find it difficult to hit it off naturally with women that I find attractive. So I’m turning to you guys for help. What’s the best course of action from here to get to know this girl better and maybe to go on a date with me?
*Side note - Can anyone dig up the xkcd that doles out this advice? I can’t find it for the life of me.
She may not want to go on a date with you. In fact, given her reaction, she probably doesn’t want to go on a date with you. If she’s not into it, there isn’t a single thing you can do about it. It’s just how it is.
She may be mooning over someone else. She may be repulsed by redheads (or whatever you are). She may be a secret lesbian. She may just be taking some time off dating. Who knows. All you know is you’ve put yourself out there, and she hasn’t bit.
Go find a girl who likes you. There isn’t a shortage of women out there.
Well I wouldn’t say it worked without knowing the content of the email. Unless it was flirty or something - sounds like she was giving a minimum reply to you email.
My advice:
Ignore her. Be polite. Smile when she crosses your path, but don’t make your interest so obvious (which sounds too late).
Don’t focus on her (or any other woman’s) attractiveness so much (I mean in your interactions - not choosing of). Make up your mind that you won’t even tell a woman you think she is cute until after you’ve slept with her (or she asks you - or tells you you are). Telling a woman you think she is cute/sexy/hot will almost never benefit you in the beginning. Adjust your additude on this front and you’ll be far better off. I know it might seem counterintuitive - but just try and make it a goal. Look at it as an experiment - I think you’ll be pleased and amazed at the results.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Calm yourself, you’re doing everything right.
Don’t seek her out, but whenever you bump into her smile, exchange a couple of light hearted sentences, and then exit.
You seem to sense your best shot is to go slowly. I agree with you. Smile and be at ease, if you can muster it. It may put her at ease, and you could both find the awkwardness fades.
The guy who did this with me wouldn’t have a chance in hell of a fucking kiss, let alone a fucking.
Sure, you don’t want to lay it on too thick at first. That’s creepy. But to not even offer a compliment, and expect to go all the way? You’re dreaming pal.
Just act friendly, and see what develops. All this plotting and scheming by either side is a big turn-off.
You said “I think the friend has passed on this bit of information to the girl” which to me is the same thing.
And to Too Many Cats (sorry having issues with quoting on my iPad)
I am suggesting this as a “goal”.
I think he has almost admitted he has issues with this - I am almost positive he will never achieve this goal, but to try and push it down the road as far as possible might make it easier for him. I Dan almost guarantee you he is saying it too soon/often.
You might need/want to hear this, but there are plenty of women who do not. I also gave him the out to wait for her to say it first. I fail to see how that is that ridiculous if he is having a problem with it (and maybe he isn’t). If someone is having a problem with saying “I love you” to soon into the courtship - I see no problem with waiting til the other person says it first.
While these might seem like games to some, it really isn’t - some guys are really at a disadvantage by not being able to naturally tell when the right time to say certain things is. I don’t think that giving them some rules of thumb is evil/misleading or anything like that.
There are plenty of ways to compliment a woman without saying she is cute. I think a sincere compliment on jewelry, haircut, manicure goes way further than a generic “you’re cute”. I am in no way suggesting a guy withholds all indications of interest - but blatant fawning over a woman just doesn’t work.
