** baileygrrrl **
I didn’t notice this thread 'till now. I hear a lot of my own story in your postings. Especially the bit about drinking so you don’t have to feel. Though I passed on the other chemicals, I was where you are for the better part of a decade, maybe more…I wasn’t keeping a diary or a logbook of my drinking.
As of today it has been six months since I took a drink. Every one of those months has been better than the one that came before, and while I have good days and worse days, on average they keep getting better. When I have quit for a few months at a time previously, it was a constant struggle, and I was rarely happy or pleasant to be around. This time I finally went back to AA (after 17 years) and took the program seriously. I haven’t wanted to drink once in those six months. I have found AA very useful, so I am going to tell you a little about my experience with it.
Regardless the critics, I would encourage you to give AA a shot or three. Many people with far worse alcohol issues than you have managed to stay sober that way. Yes, many take several tries before they “get it” and for some it never takes. Every single person I know that has stayed sober with AA has tried many times without it and failed, usually sooner than later. It is absolutely true that there is selection bias at work here. The people I meet at AA meetings are mostly the people for whom AA works. It seems to me that the thing that separates the newcomers that succeed from those that fail is mostly a matter of humility vs. pride. If you think you are too good to hang out with a bunch of dried out alcoholics, you are probably right. If you are willing to talk about the time you were so drunk you shit your pants, then AA can probably keep you sober.
First off, it is cheap. That means if it takes more than one try to figure out how to make it work for you, then you can still afford it…this is in stark contrast to many treatment programs. The cost is whatever you choose throw in when they pass the basket, and nobody is going to force you to keep going to meetings if they are not for you. The basic text is “Alcoholics Anonymous” (AKA The Big Book). Most groups have them available at low cost (currently $9) and many will work something out if you can’t even come up with that. Nobody is getting rich, and only a few hired staff at regional levels are making any money at all out of AA. I have never heard of anyone in any local group being compensated at all. Anyone who claims AA is a financial scam or in any way motivated by money is full of shit, full stop. If you decide after a while that AA is bullshit, you might be out $100 or so. If you just did a mental calculation as to how many bottles of booze you could buy for $100, then you really need to find an AA meeting.
Second, I would say maybe 20% of AA is not drinking. Of the 12 steps, it is the first three. The rest is learning how to live and deal with life in such a way that you don’t need, or even want to drink. The middle six steps are mostly about dealing with your past mistakes and behavior, fixing what is fixable, and putting the rest behind you. This is important because many alcoholics will drink over the shame and guilt of their past. The remaining three steps are about dealing with the present in such a way that you don’t accumulate the emotional baggage that will eventually lead you back to alcohol.
As has been suggested, maybe try big meetings at first where you can get lost in a crowd, and you will likely hear other people telling your story. AA groups vary, in some cases a lot, so if one meeting creeps you out, don’t think they are all the same, and you can attend as many as you like. Most groups can give you a schedule of all the local meetings. You will be amazed at how many there are in all but the smallest towns (which will probably still have at least one a week somewhere). The most common meeting format is open discussion. Your spouse could come to those, either for support or to satisfy his curiosity…though he would be discouraged from sharing at most. Closed means only alcoholics can attend. Speaker meeting is one person telling their story. A few meetings are men or women only, some Gay/Lesbian, etc.
The God thing gives lots of people trouble. You will hear a lot about God and higher powers and such at AA meetings, yet nobody is going to walk you out if you don’t believe, and certainly not because you don’t accept any particular religion. It would probably cause trouble if you were to criticize someone else’s beliefs is all, and you will occasionally run across someone like that, or who wants to tell you how great Jesus is…so kind of like your average bar, in other words! The diversity of AA folks is one of the things I like about it. I dither back and forth between humanism and hard atheism and am fairly open about it, and have yet to have a problem. I do attend, actually joined in fact, a Unitarian Church, so maybe the fact that I can occasionally mention something I heard at church keeps them off my case. Whatever.
Most alcoholics want to become “normal drinkers”. They want to be able to have a drink or two “just to take the edge off.” AA really can’t help you with that. Though AA groups vary a lot, you will find unanimous agreement that the only way to stop getting drunk is to stop drinking completely. The mental model that works for me is that I have an alcoholic inside me that is emotionally about 3-4 years old. It is my job to keep that toddler out of trouble, and one drink sends my parenting skills to hell, and then I have a 3 year old running the show, and he wants another drink.
If you do go to meetings, you will be encouraged to “get a sponsor.” A sponsor is a mentor of your choosing that helps and guides you. The first time I went to AA 20 years ago, I didn’t do very well picking a sponsor. He wasn’t drinking, but had integrity issues related to fidelity to his wife…not a good example for me. Anyway, I’d suggest you look for a sponsor you feel comfortable being open with, yet someone who won’t fall for your bullshit when you try to bullshit them: “No, no, I’m fine, really!”
That good feeling when you don’t drink? You can feel like that all the time, and it keeps getting better. In my case it took about a month for most of the physical and mental effects of my drinking to wear off. After being sober for a month I started having problems with day-dreaming too much. The alcohol had kept me from doing it at all, and I had to learn to consciously pay enough attention to my surroundings again. After that, things slowed down a little, but I was still noticeably improving for another couple of months. So about three months before all the physical and mental effects of my drinking were behind me.
