So, I think my bf wants to try anal sex (possible TMI)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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This is my first OP, so bear with me. Also mods, if this is in the wrong forum, I’m sorry.

I need the advice of you other dopers!

A little background:
My boyfriend and I’ve been together for the last six years. We’re both 28, and have a good sex life. Due to the current job situation we live apart, but it looks like we’ll be able to find something in the same city next summer. Our relationship is a bumpy ride, but we’ve managed to get this far. Our sex life is good, always has been, and has, for me, been satisfactory… And also for him, I thought.

So what brought this on:
I was visiting him this weekend, and was looking up some things while he was logged in as the computer-user. His window settings were so narrow, that the url-bar wasn’t visible, so I pressed the arrow >> at the right end of the window. Wherps, accidently, that means I see his hyperlinks. (I seriously was not snooping around). Now, about two thirds of the links have titles involving anal sex. Now, it’s not something we’ve ever done (I’ve personally never tried it, don’t know if he has), he has never expressed a wish to try it, so what to make of this?

a) Someone else used his computer and hyperlinked a bunch. Highly unlikely, in fact, I’ll dismiss it.
b) He fantasizes about it – this leads to two subquestions:
b1) He wants to try it, but for some reason I seem so unapproachable about the subject, that he’d rather suffer in peace. (and if this is the case, any advice on how to breach the subject? - preferably in a way that won’t require me saying “so, I saw your hyperlinks” :slight_smile: )
b2) He just fantasizes about it, curious and stuff.

Now, I admit it’s never been a fantasy of mine – the thought doesn’t appeal to me, however if he really wanted to try it, I’d be willing to give it a shot – who knows, I might like it.
So, a question more for the dopers:

c) Any advice on how to go about it the first time? What do we want to avoid?

Hope this makes sense, but I was just stunned that he apparently is very interested in something he hasn’t even breached to me in the six years we’ve been together.
Tikster

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I’m not gonna read the OP – I just want to make it clear that Tikster and twickster aren’t the same person.

Thank you.

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I read about things, for sexual pleasure, that I do not want to participate in or witness, things that I don’t want to happen to anyone. Ever read the [The Story of O*? It could be that.

If he does want to try, lots of lubrication and going slow are key.

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First things first - just because he has links of stuff you don’t do together on his machine don’t mean he don’t dig you or anything stupid like that. You’re far away from each other, and hey, he’s a fella. Means he might be ‘doin the deed’ with himself, and since he can’t be with you, might need that something extra to get him there. Or else he might just be curious, or anything else. But first things first, don’t take it personally.

I would just ask him what his fantasies are, maybe some night after a few drinks or just when you’re both feeling mellow and relaxed. Be prepared to share yours as well. If it’s something he’s really curious about trying with you, he might be nervous, but ask him what he fantasizes about and don’t be afraid to press a little bit in the direction you want to go.

Or you could just ask him directly - hey, do you wanna do me in the butt? Might be embarassing for both of you, but to me that’s half the fun of ‘kinky’ stuff is the embarassment of asking… makes it feel… I dunno… dirty or something. :smiley:

On the mechanics of it, get this book called 'The Big Bang from your favourite bookstore. It’s kind of like ‘Joy of Sex’ for grownups… and it has the best directions for how to ‘do the butt’ without sounding all clinical and most importantly, how to do it safely and relatively pain-free. And it’s a really good sex manual in general as well - my girlfriend is really appreciative of it :slight_smile:

Oh, and just to stress something - use lube. Lots and lots and lots of lube. Don’t use petroleum jelly, as that can have side effects, especially if you use latex condoms, but do use lots and lots and lots of water- based lube like KY or others. Oh, did I mention, use lots of lube? If you’ve used too much, that might be almost enough.

I won’t get any more graphic than that, though… so you’re gonna have to read the book. But enough to say that I have tried it, both giving and receiving, and if it’s right it’s right but if it’s not it’s not, and don’t worry too much if it doesn’t work out or if one or both of you doesn’t enjoy it.

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You’ve got a career awaiting you on daytime TV, GB. Move over, Oprah!

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I seriously doubt Oprah would ever say Do the Butt… at least not on prime time! :slight_smile:

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Well, it seems like the first thing is to figure out if he really wants to try it. You don’t have to admit to the hyperlinks; just a post-sex question would do the trick, maybe: “y’know, we’ve been together for a long time. I’m really satisfied with our sex life, but sometimes I wonder. . .is there anything you want to try, just to add a little variety?” Something along those lines. If he mentions anal, then go for it. Here are some hints from a veteran: use lubricant; lots of lubricant. When you think you have too much lubricant, use some more. Astroglide is better for this particular use than KY. It’s more comfortable in the “spoons” position. Lay on your side, with him laying on his side directly behind you. This also allows him to reach around and, errr, stimulate you. Rule number one must be: YOU set the pace! Go as slowly as you need to (and the first time you may need to go very slowly), and don’t be afraid to ask for more lubricant. Relax and breathe deeply; tensing will cause pain ('course if you’re into that. . .). If you move from anal to vaginal, he will need to wash up thouroughly with soap and water and/or change condoms; there’s lots of bacteria in there that you don’t want to spread around to other areas.

I myself find this particular activity to be pleasurable, but my husband is the only one I’ve ever done it with (a fact that pleases him endlessly). See, there’s a very high trust factor involved. You have to trust that your partner will slow down if you tell him to slow down, or stop if you tell him to stop.

Good luck!

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Just have towel on hand for the resulting “santorum”.

props to dan Savage

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Thanks for the advice so far - the main point I get it use looooots of lube! And then some more! The wash-up is a given, any other way would just be eeew.

I think I’ll try norinew 's approach regarding how to bring it up, in case GomiBoy 's suggestion doesn’t lead anywhere. I’ll look into acquiring the book, thank god for internet shopping!

I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but uh… I felt sort of insufficient that night so…

Thanks again! If anyone else have more advice for first timers, please continue to post here. Also, to hijack my own thread slightly, any men been in my bf’s shoes (as they’ve been presented here)? Sorry for the truckload of mundane questions, but I never really investigated my own fantasies or preferences in that section.

And no… I don’t think I’ll let you guys know how it went :stuck_out_tongue: (not even sure how far out in the future it might be!)

Tikster

P.s. No name mix-up was intended when I chose this username twickster :slight_smile:

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That’s hot that twickster likes word puzzles and anal sex.

To the OP: guys might enjoy types of porn that they don’t necessarily want to try in real life. If you’re really curious, broach the subject with him. Otherwise, let him do it.

There’s a lot of porn that’s really degrading that a guy might get off on, but doesn’t necessarily want to do. e.g “rape porn” or “slap her around porn” or “double penetration” stuff.

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Exactly what I was going to say. Use lots and lots and lots.
And take deep breaths and relax.

Sigh. Your boyfriend is sooooooo lucky.
:wink:

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DAMN IT! YOU BEAT ME TO IT! :slight_smile:

Mad props to Dan Savage and Savage Love
(do I dare post a link?.. I think I will leave it to the army of googlers…)

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Also, you don’t have to go all the way to begin exploring whether it is right for you or not. A gently probing finger during doggie-style might answer the question of whether you enjoy that kind of stimulation.

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Did I mention you should use lots of lube? Oh, and if you hadn’t heard already, I would use lots of lube. Seriously - I have taken as well as given, and tons of lube (and being pretty relaxed) makes it feel really really good while not enough makes it hurt like hell.

And MrFantsyPants makes a damn good point; a well lubricated finger might help you figure out if you want to go any further or not.

Yes. It was a very ex girlfriend, highly religious whilst I am not, who had experimented with lots of things with me, her ‘bad boy’ boyfriend. She took one look at some of the links I had then, and within about 5 minutes was asking me all kinds of questions like ‘am I satisfied’ ‘do I love her still’ etc… Took a lot of time with me being very calm, talking to her, telling her I still thought she was hot, etc… Eventually she tried it with me, but never really enjoyed it so we kinda let it drop out of our relationship.

That’s not why we broke up, though - that was due to religion pure and simple. Current GF likes it, so it all evens out in the end.

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heh heh. He said “in the end”. heh heh.

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:smiley:

pun intended

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My 2 cents:
you might, prior to experimenting with your bf, want to work up to it on your own. The first time my lady and i engaged in anal sex, it was less than pleasant for her (understatement of the decade). However, she started to include anal play in her self-stimulation, and since then, it has been much easier, and quite often very pleasurable for her.

That, and the lube already mentioned. liquor also helps.

I’ll also second the ‘morbid fascination’ angle…your bf might have no interest in actually doing any of the things on those web pages, but that doesn’t stop them from being arousing.
PLEASE don’t think it reflects on any sort of deficiency in your own love life.

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Lube isn’t enough; he also needs to get your anus to relax. Once you’ve got all that lube on, he should start gently massaging your anus until it relaxes properly (may take quite a while.) Then see if he can get a finger in (trimmed fingernails please!), and then another - as many as you need to get comfy before he tries to fuck you. This is TOTALLY your scene, and if he can’t do it in such a way that’s pleasurable to you, he shouldn’t do it.

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Piling on for extra lube, and a suggestion – one girl I knew had a little syringe for administering some sort of vaginal medication (no needle, just a little nozzle at the tip). She said anal sex was far more comfortable if she squeezed an ounce or two of lube deep inside first.

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You could bring it some flowers and ask it how it’s day went.