I made the mistake of reading this thread before breakfast. I was planning on honestly eating oatmeal. Now all I can think about is penises, damnit.
Which reminds me of a joke:
A husband walks up to his wife with 2 aspirin and a glass of water.
Husband: “Here, I thought you might need this.”
Wife: “Why? I don’t have a headache.”
Husband: “Good, then let’s fuck.”
I find that if I start some minute rice just beforehand…
There is such a thing as “emergency masturbation material” - the Sears catalog underwear section, for instance. The Song of Solomon is what you use when stuck spending the weekend at your very religous grandmother’s house and need to wack off. “My love’s breasts are like twin does…” are enough for a sufficiently motivated 13 year old boy if nothing else is available.
You should get a new laptop, one that runs cooler.
I try to fit myself into the role of Onan as he was inventing the money shot, and then picture Er’s wife as a '69-era Raquel Welch.
Right before I always get struck by a damn lightning bolt.
Wow - being a masturbating Christian sucks…
And you definitely don’t want to be struck by lightning if you are bent over sucking.
You seem to be confusing acting out a fantasy (that I was only playing along with for the sake of playing along. Onan got whacked by God, but I’m not sure it was by a lightning bolt) with reality. In reality, I’m no Christian…or any other religion. Now the '69-era Raquel Welch part is 100% true, guilty as charged.
If you were only joking, then that’s pretty good 
Cartooniverse
Think of the post the OP talks about as the link between where pan-fried semen came from and where it ended up.
Woosh!
Adding that doesn’t stop you being wooshed, my friend. 
I had some bad news on this subject recently.
I was having a routine medical when the female doctor(Which came as a surprise I can tell you!)told me that I would have to stop masturbating.
This shocked me to the core,I’ve read all of that stuff about Prostate Cancer thats been in the news recently and was a little worried.
Why ?
Why?
Well I’m trying to examine you…
I’m ashamed it took me almost thirty years to discern the meaning of sowing your wild oats. Now I realize why the Quaker guy had that knowing smile on his face.
Grape jelly is “standard”? Really?
Nah, Strawberry is standard. Grape is for people that are awesome.
Oh, and I typed this post after repeatedly slamming my penis in the car door.
Rolled or steel cut?
Honey, not brown sugar, using rolled oats. If I’m eating the oatmeal, I prefer steel cut and often add banana, but rolled oats make for much better dick-pokin’ oatmeal.
And don’t even ask where he’s ‘adding’ that banana…
I like instant for quickies.