And the eye doctor said, “friedo, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Shocked, I replied, “Oh, dear God, no! Am I going blind?!”
“No,” said the good eye doctor, “It’s just making me really uncomfortable.”
I went to the gynecologist today. There I was with my feet in the stirrups and the doctor said, “Eve! Eve! There’s a teabag in here!”
I said, “A teabag? Jesus Christ–what did I put in the boiling water?!”
“Andrei,” I said, “over here, we call it coming unscrewed. In your country, what do you call it when cattle masturbate?”
“Beef Strogonoff,” he blurted out.
I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie. He said to me, “Eve–you got no tits and a tight box.”
I said to him, Ernie–get off my back."
Awww, Sophie. 
I’d like to leave you with a joke.
. . . and the nurse said, “Doctor, do you know that you have a thermometer behind your ear?”
The doc snapped his fingers and said, “Ah, NOW I know where I left my fountain pen!” Ba-dum bum.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
Taste.
Actually, he said “Dammit, some asshole’s got my pen!”
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend this morning, and she said, “Scrappy, I think you’re a pedophile.”
I said, “PEDOPHILE? Isn’t that an awfully big word for a nine-year-old?”
(I keed… I keed.)
(**Happy Scrappy Hero Pup ** does not and never will approve of pedophilia, or even of relationships with women inder the age of 25.)
Hey! What’s wrong with us younger wimmen? (Under the age of 25 that is)
Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. The card said, “Love, from your boyfriend Ernie.” I was having tea with my girlfriend Carmelita. I said, “Carmelita, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I’m gonna be flat on my back with my legs in the air.” Carmelita says to me, “What’s the matter, Eve, ain’t you got a vase?”
And would you believe that the Divine Miss M is STILL using these jokes in her act (which I saw in the Spring - it was terrific).
I’m sure Sophie Tucker is wowing 'em in hell with them, too—a good joke never gets old!
[Yes, I know they are not really Sophie Tucker’s jokes!]
I was at the doctor’s office, having the old prostate checked, when the nurse walked into the exam room with a can of beer.
The doctor said, “Dammit, nurse, I ordered a butt light!”
Q: How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
A: Four skin divers.
[I know, I’ve posted that one a couple times before, but it’s really a favorite of mine, and I’ve always wanted to be in a Threadspotting thread.]
Well, the fact I’m totally invisible to them, for one thing . . .
Hell, who am I kidding. I’m equally invisible to women under the age of 45.
DD
“Everyone goes to the bathroom in the shower,” they say.
If that’s true, then why were they so freaked out at Home Depot?
“Everyone goes to the bathroom in the shower,” they say.
If that’s true, then why is it so hard to push it through the drain?
“Mommy, Mommy, I’m tired of walking in a circle.”
“Shaddap, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”
I woke up this morning looking like a million bucks.
All green and wrinkled.