It’s the girl’s birthday.
Oh my goodness. That’s shocking. I wish you and them and everyone the best in this difficult time.
I don’t even want to think about it, but isn’t it a little… suspicious?
Yes, on one level it is suspicious as it is rare for adults who aren’t elderly to just up and die suddenly in our society. On the other hand, it does happen once in awhile. I could guess at a number of possibilities but what’s the point? I’m sure the death is being investigated.
And yes, it’s going to be hard to tell the kids.
One upside to this whole mess - they’ve already been moved to another living environment so your parents and you can provide some stability and familiarity for them right now. It’s not much consolation but really anything helps in such situations.
Let someone else worry about that you’ve got more than enough with the kids and your parents. I’m sure if it is suspicious circumstances the authorities will figure it out. Just take a deep breath and let that particular worry go for now.
Oh my word Zsofia! My stepkids’ mom died suddenly several years ago, after hubby had gotten custody of the children. My heart goes out to them and you. Sending you strengthening thoughts.
Agree on letting the authorities sort out the suspiciousness of it. Hubby’s ex simply died of a heart attack.
Indeed. Tell them that their mother had probably been sick for quite a while, but she held on until she was sure her children were in a new, safe environment where they’d be OK. When she knew that, she felt free to give in to her sickness.
Tell them this quickly. Before they can get any idea in their heads that “Mom died because we abandoned her” – kids can easily get that kind of guilt-racked ideas.
Well, the authorities did a spectacularly shitty job investigating his “accident”. We need an autopsy if only to make sure it isn’t something genetic.
I mean, I have got to think about something other than what it was like to see a sixteen year old girl find out her mom died on her birthday. Because that was so awful I can’t even bear to think about it.
Jebus.
Yes - this is probably the best thing you can tell them.
I’m so, so sorry.
Oh wow - I’ve been following this for a while now and this turn of events is just horrible. I am so sorry for all of you. I especially feel for the girl. Definitely head off the guilt I am sure they are bound to feel for not being there at the end. There is no telling what their father will plant in their heads over that.
I am, again, so sorry.
They’re actually pretty okay - we’re sitting around playing board games and laughing about how they were scared they were in really big trouble when they saw us show up at their school.
It just hasn’t hit yet.
Poor kids. I’m so sorry.
I’d look into getting them appointments with a counselor, if you haven’t already, and having them try it once or twice, even if they don’t think they want to.
If she’s been sickly for a long time, they may have expected it, in a way.
Zsofia, what I did may not work for you, but at the time of their mother’s death I told my stepkids that I would always be there to listen to them; that I knew there was no substitute for their mom, and I would never dare to put myself in her place like that, but that I would be a sympathetic ear, like a favorite aunt or something, and to please never forget that.
Over the years they have been very good about coming to me with problems and we’ve had several deep conversations and hashed out a lot of feelings.
If by authorities you mean police their job is to determine if there was a crime committed. They aren’t medical authorities.
I have to tell you, though, that there’s no guarantee an autopsy will pinpoint a genetic cause, or even any cause beyond “her heart stopped while she was sleeping”. You’ve heard of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome of course - unfortunately, sometimes adults die for no apparent reason in their bed. It could be a heart arrhythmia, you’ve referred to her having memory and physical problems so it might be related to whatever disabled her, it might be alcohol/drugs, it might be a blood clot…
I fully agree with people who say try to let this go. I know it’s hard, but try. Get an autopsy if you feel it might help anyone in the family deal with this.
Forgive me if this is presumptuous, but you sound angry that your sister-in-law died. Absent a suicide attempt, I’m sure she had no intention of doing so. Feelings of anger towards the deceased, or abandonment, are perfectly normal symptoms of grief, there’s nothing wrong with them, but be careful not to let your feelings influence the children’s. Again, I know it’s hard. But right now those kids are in a fragile mental space and their own reactions will be plenty for them to deal with. If you need to vent please do so here.
That is truly, truly awful and you all have my sympathies.
I’m not angry she died, just, I don’t know, completely thrown.
Understandable. Sudden death is like that. How are you holding up? How are the kids doing?
Sudden death is flat-out weird. My father died suddenly and had been in good health. And I was only a year older than your niece. The autopsy was inconclusive; we all wanted one done, we wanted to know what happened!
My heart goes out to them. What an awful thing to happen.
I’m fine, just utterly exhausted. The kids seem okay - I guess it’s true that they must still be processing. I’m surprised that they’ve been willing to talk about it - asked if there was a time of death, when will the funeral be, etc. Boy 1 was supposed to have his lesson in how to wear contacts this afternoon and he still wanted to go, so I’m cooling my heels in the eye doctors waiting room now. And of course people keep coming over and all - casseroles and sympathy. Their pastor was there and got the job of breaking the news, which was good. Very supportive community, but all elderly people - my parents’ friends, you know. Nobody their own age. They’ve been testing their friends constantly, though. I guess how they feel is probably pretty complicated.
Texting, I meant. Texting their friends. Stupid touch screen.