So...online dating

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Plus it’s worth noting that you don’t seem clear about what it means to be wild or adventuresome in bed. Do you mean someone who sleeps with lots of different guys or hooks up with people she’s only known a few hours? In that case, yeah, in a relationship it’s often hard to do those particular things. Or is this more like that Playboy cartoon where a man and woman are getting married and he’s thinking, “Hooray, oral sex on demand!” and she’s thinking, “Yay, I gave my last blow job!”?

Because in my own personal experience, people (well…often women) tend to get more comfortable in their sexuality as they get older. I know I have and I’m not even that old. It makes me wonder what wild hijinks I’ll be up to when I’m much older. Plus, a lot of really out there things are easier to do with a partner in whom you have a modicum of trust (safe, sane, etc.).

42

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
I guess the concern is that, if I (or any hypothetical guy who simply doesn’t have luck with women) end up finally getting with someone in my late 20s/early 30s, someone who had a particularly wild past,** but aren’t willing to be wild or particularly adventurous in bed**, it would be a deal breaker. Now if she’s someone who never had a very wild past it would be different, but if the girls attitude is “been there, done that, didn’t really like that* too much, so even though this is your first sexual relationship and you’d like to try it, that’s too bad because I wouldn’t want to try it again, sorry” then that would be a deal breaker for me.
[/QUOTE]

You do realize that sometimes its not the position but the location. She might be old enough that by the dashboard lights are just killing her back.

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
Why should I have to settle for some girl who used to be open and adventerous but is looking for something more “tame” now. I’m not saying that there are very many women like this, or even any at all, but it’s something I’d be concerned about if I’m supposed to just sit tight and wait for the women my age to “mature and realize what they’re missing out on with a guy like me.”
[/QUOTE]

Again, are you certain that no more open and adventerous does not mean wife swapping , orgies , and getting banged in a dive washroom littered with syringes , is that the kind of adventer you want.

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
I don’t want to be anyone’s safe, secure, backup guy. Through all my bitterness over these past few years, I’ve remained a hopeless (perhaps too hopeless) romantic, and would rather wait for a girl who’s passionate about me, and not just deciding “eh, sure I’ll give him a shot since I’ve got nothing better to do.”
[/QUOTE]

Or their last best hope to get it right .

Some how I think you will finally find happiness with whomever you meet,but it may not be until your in your forties.

Declan

43

[QUOTE=Declan]
Again, are you certain that no more open and adventerous does not mean wife swapping , orgies , and getting banged in a dive washroom littered with syringes , is that the kind of adventer you want.
[/QUOTE]

Hell, you go to certain parties and sometimes you realize that the people getting naked for orgies and the like aren’t necessarily the ones you want to be having the orgies with…

44

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
INow if she’s someone who never had a very wild past it would be different, but if the girls attitude is “been there, done that, didn’t really like that* too much, so even though this is your first sexual relationship and you’d like to try it, that’s too bad because I wouldn’t want to try it again, sorry” then that would be a deal breaker for me.

Why should I have to settle for some girl who used to be open and adventerous but is looking for something more “tame” now. I’m not saying that there are very many women like this, or even any at all, but it’s something I’d be concerned about if I’m supposed to just sit tight and wait for the women my age to “mature and realize what they’re missing out on with a guy like me.”
[/QUOTE]

Deal breaker? You’re a 23 year old virgin (and from what it sounds like, not merely a virgin, but someone with no dating experience at all), and you’re talking about deal-breakers?
You need to get a few notches on your belt before you start worrying about what’s the ideal woman for you, dude. While you’re a little behind on the curve, your teens and early twenties are the time for you to shop around. There are plenty of mid-to-late twenty something girls out there that are kinksters, don’t worry: you don’t necessarily have to have someone staid and boring just because you didn’t drive a motorcycle in high school. However, you might just find that a girl who likes things that are tame is just right.
Online dating isn’t going to solve your problems: if you can’t land a girl offline, you’re going to have to fix those issues if you want to move an online relationship into the real world. Start asking women out before they have a chance to see you as a little brother: that’s not going to happen until you reach a comfort zone with them. Overcoming the ‘I don’t want to ask her out until I reach that comfort zone’ issue is the biggest difficulty you’ll have.

45

[QUOTE=Diomedes]
Start asking women out before they have a chance to see you as a little brother: that’s not going to happen until you reach a comfort zone with them.
[/QUOTE]

It’s not possible to ask them out before I meet them. They don’t see me as a little brother once they know me, they look at me, think “oh, he’s 16” and just like that, I’m never thought of as a sexual option for them. How do I break away from a first impression that they’ve made the second they lay eyes on me?

I went out and got a 50 dollar hair cut the other day. I felt pretty good about it, looked like it tacked on two or three years. Then, in celebration on the way home I stopped by a GameStop to pick up a video game. It was rated M, and the girl at the counter carded me.

M is for 17 and older. Again, I’m 23. And the girl was probably my age. I almost suffered an aneurism.

46

Others older and wiser than myself have words of encouragement for you; what I see is that you’re trapped in a death-spiral. Women don’t pay attention to you, and you’re getting angry, defensive, grumpy, bitter, and mean about it. Totally not attractive to women. The encouraging posts know, to a degree of certainty, that something will happen to you to pull you out of it. It’s just that nobody knows quite what.

Have fun with the online dating thing, though. It’s a good way to meet lots of people outside of your usual path and to be sure that they’re interested in a relationship in the first place. You can set yourself up for all kinds of interesting and useful experiences this way.

Also, dude, chill out about getting carded. I don’t know the rules for video games, but for booze they have to card you if you look like you might be 28 or under… I wouldn’t be surprised if the video games work the same way.

47

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
It’s not possible to ask them out before I meet them. They don’t see me as a little brother once they know me, they look at me, think “oh, he’s 16” and just like that, I’m never thought of as a sexual option for them. How do I break away from a first impression that they’ve made the second they lay eyes on me?
[/QUOTE]
By acting like you expect them to know you’re 23 and are a sexual option for them. If they say something about you being/looking young, be playful about it. Have them guess how old you are. Then tease them a little when they’re off, and make a self-deprecating joke about everyone always guessing too low. Don’t assume you’ve got no shot before you even talk to people, but also don’t stress about what you can’t control. If they aren’t into you, no big deal. Maybe the next person you talk to will be.

Also, hit the weights and exercise. If you’re a skinny guy, you’re going to look younger than if you’ve got some muscle on you.

48

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
It’s not possible to ask them out before I meet them. They don’t see me as a little brother once they know me, they look at me, think “oh, he’s 16” and just like that, I’m never thought of as a sexual option for them. How do I break away from a first impression that they’ve made the second they lay eyes on me?

I went out and got a 50 dollar hair cut the other day. I felt pretty good about it, looked like it tacked on two or three years. Then, in celebration on the way home I stopped by a GameStop to pick up a video game. It was rated M, and the girl at the counter carded me.

M is for 17 and older. Again, I’m 23. And the girl was probably my age. I almost suffered an aneurism.
[/QUOTE]

While they might think of you as young, even the age of their younger brothers, that’s not a deal breaker. You’re going to run into problems, however, if you continue to let them think of you as young… which will lead to the younger brother sentiment, which will be a dealbreaker.
Crack a joke about your college years, and you’ll age in their eyes. Or, if nothing else, flirt hard with them, and if they express reservations about your age, just tell them it point-blank.
Oh, and definitely put down the video games, and go out where people interact with each other. Or, if you really can’t, ask the counter girl at the Gamestop out for some coffee.

49

[QUOTE=Giraffe]

Also, hit the weights and exercise. If you’re a skinny guy, you’re going to look younger than if you’ve got some muscle on you.
[/QUOTE]

Been working on that, exercising regularly over the last two years. I used to be a twig at 125 pounds but now I’m around 160. As far as appearances go I’m much happier with myself that I was in the past.

50

And also, I don’t want you all thinking that I walk around with a scowl on my face giving girls the death stare.

I’ve always viewed this board as a safe place where I can vent my insecurities and frustrations. In person I tend to come off rather laid back and easy going. I know because people (and girls especially) have always commented on that fact, and it always takes me by surprise considering the kind of thoughts I have going behind the scenes.

51

Confidence. You need some confidence. Fortunately, there is a simple recipe for getting some:

Fake it 'til you feel it.

I don’t mean you should act like an arrogant ass. But until you start projecting some confidence, you’re going to be stuck in this rut. Think of it like acting. Act like a confident person, and people (not just women) will respond to you better…and then you’ll start to build actual confidence.

I started with the online dating thing last year after I separated from a husband who did the best he could to make me feel unattractive. Naturally, my confidence was at a low. Fortunately, I’ve worked retail enough to know how to “fake it 'til I feel it.” And I quickly got plenty of confirmation that my ex-husband was just wack and that I’m plenty attractive.

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
…Then, in celebration on the way home I stopped by a GameStop to pick up a video game. It was rated M, and the girl at the counter carded me.

M is for 17 and older. Again, I’m 23. And the girl was probably my age. I almost suffered an aneurism.
[/QUOTE]

Dude! You missed out a great opportunity. That was a perfect opportunity to make it into a little joke and chat a bit. One of my customers recently mistook me for a high-schooler. I’m 37. We both had a good laugh at that.

52

[QUOTE=Green Bean]
Dude! You missed out a great opportunity. That was a perfect opportunity to make it into a little joke and chat a bit.
[/QUOTE]

It’s usually difficult for me to make small talk when I’m irate. And disappointed that this new source of confidence (new haircut) apparently made no difference at all.

53

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
It’s usually difficult for me to make small talk when I’m irate. And disappointed that this new source of confidence (new haircut) apparently made no difference at all.
[/QUOTE]

There’s your real problem in a nutshell.

54

Looking young isn’t anywhere close to a dealbreaker. The current guy I’m seeing gets carded all the time (and he is actually two years younger than me).

55

[QUOTE=Sattua]
There’s your real problem in a nutshell.
[/QUOTE]
Yup.

56

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
Been working on that, exercising regularly over the last two years. I used to be a twig at 125 pounds but now I’m around 160. As far as appearances go I’m much happier with myself that I was in the past.
[/QUOTE]
That’s awesome. If you’re exercising, getting new haircuts, maybe getting some new clothes, you’re poised to hit your stride. Now it’s all about attitude. Build up your self-confidence, practice talking to women and let yourself feel good about the fact that you did even if nothing happens, and let go of the urgency that you’re running out of time.

I have friends who didn’t date much in college, but hit their strides in grad school with a vengeance. You’ve got your twenties ahead of you – there’s plenty of time.