SHAYNA, I congratulate you: It was kind but entirely unnecessary for you to equalize your lowered opinion of me, by so instantly and effectively lowering my opinion of you.
My condolences to the OP’er. This is my last post in this thread.
I’m with Jodi on all points she mentioned above. I, too, thought the language in the OP was odd, confusing and even a bit inappropriate. And, like Jodi and most everyone else, I extend my sincere condolences for cadolphin’s loss.
I’ve lost pets who were very, very dear to me, who had been my friends and companions and emotional stabilizers for years. I feel for you cadolphin, and I wish you the best in dealing with your grief over both your pet and your aunt.
For the record, I agree with Jodi and Kambuckta that the choice of metaphor was unfirtunate. As a parent it jarred me and made me confused for a moment about the exact nature of your loss. But those concerns are small things, perhaps for you to think about on another day. For today, just be well in whatever way you can. Personally, I lost myslef for a few hours in the physical act of digging Caliban’s grave. It gave me both a visceral outlet and a strong feeling of continued connection, but that obviously is not an option available to everyone.
Good luck to you.
I was confused…I thought something had been left out of the OP. My condolences.
Geez.
People can have different views.
Respect them (both of them) or take it to GD. But don’t make her feel worse right now, it’s the last thing she needs.
May those of you who think that the death of a child and the death of a pet are the same thing never have to live with the reality of knowing the difference.
And perhaps cadolphin needs to understand that, while we appreciate the grief she is feeling, her OP is extremely offensive.
I totally apologize to anyone I offended!!!
I remember holding my son… you know, the kind of son that some of you would only count as being eligible to be called my son unlike my daughter.
He was beautiful. He looked so perfect. He looked like he was just sleeping. Had a little bit of blonde hair. I don’t know what color his eyes were since I never got to see them open.
He had 10 fingers and 10 toes… and was made from ½ of my DNA. He was sooooooooooo small and fragile looking. I remember being so alone then too. No one seemed to understand how much that could possibly hurt since he never really had a chance.
So, if you are referring to having a child who has lived a few months or years and then lost that child, no, I don’t know what that’s like. I’m sure it’s very possible that it hurts more then what I’ve experienced but I find it’s best not to try to compare the pain one person feels to the pain another person feels since we’re all different.
When Jeremy would have started talking, I thought about it and it was painful!
When Jeremy would have started walking, I had the same response. When Jer would have started kindergarten, I cried. I remember crying that time. I have blocked out a lot of things but there are other things I still have nightmares about. There were other milestones in his life that I cried through too.
I thought of Jer whenever he would have reached a milestone… potty training, teaching him to read, write, do basic math, learn to ride a bike, starting school, going to first grade, graduating from elem. School and starting Jr. High.
I was keenly aware of the changes he would have been going through as he reached puberty. High school. His first girlfriend. Getting his driver’s license, going to his prom, graduating from high school.
Would I have been a good parent?
Would I have been able to instill in him the things he would need to do his best in school?
Would he have been in a lot of trouble growing up coming from an absent abusive father and a single fucked up (at least for awhile) single mother?
Would he have chosen to go to college? If so, which one?
The developmental stages within my church for a young man. Would he have chosen to be a boy scout? Would he have made Eagle Scout? Would he have wanted to go on a Mission?
If he had gone on a mission, I was aware of when he would have been getting home.
For a few years after that I was still thinking (not all the time but at times) would he be married yet?
Would I be a grandmother yet?
What would Jeremy look like?
What would his personality be like?
Would he have a good heart?
Eventually, the milestone ages ended and I stopped crying or obsessing over them.
That doesn’t mean I have ever forgotten what holding that little teeny tiny body was like or looking into his face.
My last pregnancy was when I was 21. The damage done to me caused a lot of pain constantly, but I wanted to believe that a miracle would happen and I would give birth to a child who would live.
By the time I was 34, I (oh, btw, my first pregnancy was when I was 10 years old) finally broke down and gave in and told the Dr. to go ahead with the histo.
I’m 45… way to old to be having a healthy child now, but I still get upset over it not being an option for me from time to time.
I don’t do death well. I know that. I never have.
I was wrong. I didn’t think I could feel worse tonight. A couple of you proved me wrong.
To the rest of you, THANK YOU!!!
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean I’d kill myself. When I said do something stupid, I meant I’d go get some vodka/oj and break my 7 ½ years of sobriety.
I went and showered until I ran out of hot water. Now I came back here and after seeing two people reached out to me to call you, Shayna or email you Amanita. I would have done either one of those.
Thank you very very much!
Normally when I can’t stop crying, I withdraw from people I don’t know well, but tonight hurt so much, yes, reaching out would have been the best thing to do.
I’m kinda numb now. I’m not sure if I’m making any better sense then my OP.
I’m not even going to ask you where you think I should have focused my maternal instincts since I couldn’t ever have any other 2 legged children because, frankly, I don’t give a damn what you think I should have done.
I did the best I I could do.
To each their own.
The lines are now forming to rip apart this post. Go right ahead… have at it. If it makes ya feel better, you have my blessings. But don’t facilitate ignorant behavior in the name of fighting it by ASSuming you know what has happened to me during my life.
YK cadolphin, it’s a tad unreasonable to assume that people have full knowledge of your background. I reacted according to the information you shared.
I’m sure your cheering squad will be in here any second to point out just how mean and cruel those of us who were upset by your original OP are. I felt punched in the gut by your OP. I would have said nothing if you had posted in MPSIMS.
I’m sorry for all your losses.
And I’m still at a complete fucking loss as to why, especiallygiven that you have experienced the pain of losing a child at birth, why you would use terms like ‘daughter’ and ‘children’ for your cats.
You need some very serious help lady.
First pregnancy at 10?? Please tell me that was a typo. If not, WTF?
A sad, very sad OP, and parts of the rest of the thread coming after. 
My condolences to you, cadolphin. Folk must have looked askance at my mother, too, when she referred to our small pride of cats we once had as “the boys”. Then again, she had three living children of the human kind, and had miscarried once. I suppose, feeling lost and isolated in the last years of her life, my mum was allowed to appear a little dotty.
To me, though, my furry friends were exactly that. My friends. It hurt to say goodbye to them, even though they were, of course, just animals.
I can see you’re still very, very upset, cadolphin. This could last a while. Take care of yourself, and bear in mind that your Shae is now at peace.
You don’t know her life story, you don’t know the particular twists and turns of her life, so you don’t know why she might see certain things the way she sees them. To not see things her way is fine. To not understand her point of view is fine. To not agree with her point of view is fine. But, to assume that because you don’t see things her way that she needs “serious help” is presumptuous.
Perhaps you might leave such rulings to those who are closer to her, and know the whole story of her life a little more intimately.
Well, I’m glad the “criticism squad” arrived before the “cheering squad.” I’m sure that helped.
Someone wants to vent…in The Pit. So they do. They’re angry, sad and confused. And some people’s first instinct is to find faults with the detail - before knowing all the facts - and attack the OP, instead of simply reaching out a helping hand.
Well, this is The Pit. “I’m angry, let me find someone/something to lash out at. Hey, The Pit’s a great place to do that.”
Shit, this anonymous person even invited it, by daring (in a moment of great sadness, anger and sorrow) to compare a kitty to a child.
FLAME ON!
I think the “crime” was for the OP to consider her kitty as her child, and mourn the loss of her “daughter.”
Excellent summary, apart from that, leander. This may be the Pit, but satire survives the heat of the coals, sometimes.
I’m at a complete loss to understand what jollies you’re getting out of your rush to judgement, unless you routinely enjoy kicking people who are already down. The crux of the OP’s rant was very clear upfront that she was extremely upset and disraught, and having to go it alone was making it even harder. Some of the references confused me too at first but the overall emotional message came through loud and clear. cadolphin had gotten hit with repeated whammies of death. She was wracked by grief, her husband wasn’t helping her much so she turned here to vent out her pain and loneliness, supposedly among friends or at least reasonably well disposed people.
But you immediately bulled your way in, blowing off the general content of the OP to find deep personal offense to yourself. Ah, the lure of instant victimization. So then cadolphin, already grieving, had to explain to you that she’d survived the death of the child of her body too. But of course your response wasn’t, “My condolences, and comfort to you.” Oh no. You get right back up in her face and tell her she needs serious help.
Here’s my take on what decent people do, kambucta, when confronted with someone who’s losing it and maybe not even making a whole lot of sense at the moment. They 1. offer what comfort they can, just because the person’s in so much pain, 2. they put their ego aside for the moment, leaving any victimhood cards unplayed and 3. they don’t pass judgement on the quality, relative worth and proximate cause of the grief.
Face to face, it might involve nothing more than letting the person cry him/herself out while murmering inanities like “there, there” until the storm passes. Then one can tactfully figure out what all those sobbed, garbled comments meant. They don’t roll eyes or make bitchy comments, even as late as the funeral. It isn’t ALL that different in print. To those who totally lost context and manners, taking all cues from important things like forum placement, etc., what a cheap, ugly performance. Have really strong, insightful opinions you just gotta share about death and grief? Start your own thread.
I’m closing this trainwreck. cadolphin, please start another thread in MPSIMS.
TVeblen,
for the SDMB