So the gf and I are having problems.

In My Humble Opinion
61

You know, with each subsequent post lobotmyboy63, you sound passive aggressive. You seem to be keeping a running score in your head of insults and slights. It’s not a great way to live and it makes it impossible for someone else to live with you.

The candle story is a funny story, nothing more. Your girlfriend being able to laugh about it and retell it to her friends was an opportutity for an endearing moment that would build intimacy between you two.

Every great relationship has its own mythology, the creation story of when you first met, the first time you faced hardship together, and lots of great little fun moments you share, like the time your shirt caught on fire during a web chat. You missed this opportunity to have that moment be something special between the two of you, figure out if how many more opportunities you want to blow, you only get so many in life.

62

Dear, I thought we agreed to say the sweater was burned when I saved all those orphans from the lava?

63

Am I the only one who wonders what part alcohol played in the reactions of either party? B/c it can’t have helped this situation.
OP, instead of staying hurt about something that didn’t actually hurt you, can you decide to not stay hurt?
It appears your choice here is between being ‘right’ and alone or flexible and happily paired.

64

Okay, you sound just like my husband, and your GF sounds just like me.

Don’t get married.

If we were hanging out together for the first time now instead of 40 years ago, all this would have been a dealbreaker for both of us, I think. We got married kinda fast before we had really thought things through, which was probably the only way I was ever going to get married, and it’s done. But you two can save yourselves.

I mean really, it sounds like you both appreciate having your own places to go home to. Imagine if you were stuck in the same house.

65

Which is why, if I were ever to get into some sort of permanent relationship again, I would INSIST on separate houses. Why ruin a good thing by living with someone!

Seriously.

66

Here is a brief summary of the work of John Gottman.

*After studying marriages for 16 years, he has learned to predict which couples will eventually divorce and which will remain married. He can make this prediction based on the ways couples argue, after listening to the couple for just five minutes, with 91% accuracy. He can make these predictions with such a high degree of accuracy because he has discovered which behaviors will lead to a breakup of the marriage. He has pinpointed five signs that a couple will most likely suffer a future break-up. *

It’s a very brief read and I’m sure very enlightening for any one in or formerly in a relationship.

67

I’m in two minds about this, for reasons which will become obvious.

Firstly, the catching fire story is funny. If you think about it, most humor is about relaying misfortunes and laughing at them. That’s life. She was in no part trying to make you sound stupid, and to be honest, it’s not very nice of you to make that assumption of her.

And when you told her that she made you feel stupid, that made her feel embarrassed and most people deal with embarrassment through anger, which is why you barely got an apology. I’m also guessing from the time the fire story was told until the time you left the party, you were a moody bugger who disengaged from socialising at the party. So now she feels like her coworkers think her boyfriend is a self-absorbed prick who can’t laugh at himself or meet knew people.

All that said…my husband is also very sensitive. So, knowing how my husband is, I would not relay that story in that setting. Because I know he wouldn’t enjoy it. Is it something I wish I could do? Hell, yes. I’m a story teller and I like to make people laugh, and I never hesitate to laugh at myself. But I know the boundaries of what my husband can and can’t cope with, and I respect him enough to not cross those boundaries.

In your partner’s defense, you’ve only been together 12 months and she’s still learning. I’ve got nearly 20 years experience here, and I still sometimes get it wrong.

68

The way you tell the story, she was poking as much fun at herself as she was at you. If *she *didn’t light so many candles to create the perfect fireside chat image for her family, you wouldn’t have ended up being in a position to have shirt flambé.

69

Sounds to me as if you are using your sensitivity as a sort of control mechanism on your gf.

“Hey, honey…you hurt my feelings!”

Also, she’d already told you to get the hell out of her house, that night. Then, you were the *reasonable *one-“If you want me to go, I’ll go…If you want to talk…” Uh, she wanted you to go. She’d said as much.

It’s OK to be sensitive, and everybody is. You just want to be babied, and when you cry, you want mommy/gf to drop everything and do what you want. Your going on about the size of the burn seemed as if you wanted us all to know, to the precise mm exactly how close you were to a flaming death, and your gf can only laugh, yes, LAUGH, about it, while others mock and you are still recovering, and the shirt is still smoldering.

Again, it’s OK to be sensitive, but, you also need to grow up, and think about *her *feelings.

Don’t sell the house.

70

A solution for this that friends of mine used:

She kept her house, but moved into his. They did this because his was larger, and could accommodate mixing her things in with his. They lived that way for about a year and a half before getting officially engaged. This allowed them both to keep all their possessions and have a “trial run” at marriage. Both are in their mid-30s and had never had a live-in relationship before, so they felt it was prudent.

At engagement, they decided which house and possessions to sell off.

If you want to save money, renting the unused house is a possibility.

71

The OP should be glad, no doubt his girlfriend will be more careful with candles in the future.

…Once she owns his house and he’ll be kicked out.

72

My husband kept his apartment for six months when he moved in. We’d known each other eleven years before we started dating, so even just dating wasn’t taken casually.

73

Another article from Raft People’s excellent link:

Lo-Boy: Before you get too puffed up about number 1, read number 3.

74

I know I’m late to this, but I just want to say that I sympathize with you, OP.

I don’t think that it’s necessarily that you’re “too sensitive,” but that you seem to have a real reticence to communicate your feelings openly, and THAT is the problem.

Some people find slapstick hilarious, and some don’t.** Some people love to have relationships (romantic and friendly) where everyone rags on each other and gives each other shit in good fun, and some people don’t like that and show their affection/camaraderie in other ways. I’m in the second group, like you. I have had to tell certain friends that, basically, “I don’t dish it out, so I shouldn’t have to take it.” Otherwise, you’ve got an imbalanced situation.

It would be one thing if she told this embarrassing story about you, and you volleyed back with a similarly embarrassing story about her, and you all laughed. Or that this time it was her turn to rag on you, but no worries, you’d get your turn later. But you don’t take your turns, because that’s just not your way, and your dynamic becomes imbalanced.

There’s nothing wrong with not having the same sense of humor or style of showing affection as your partner. You just have to address it and find a way for you both to compromise. At the same time there is something wrong in stewing in the internal, “oh I can’t tell her because she’ll think this…and REALLY, I know I’m being ridiculous and I feel silly about that…but I think she should have been more aware of my feelings…but I’m not going to say anything because XYZ, round and round and round” thought-morass without communicating it, because it’s not fair to her.

Don’t do that. Just come right out and say, “look, it would mean a lot to me if you didn’t tell our friends stories in which I do something foolish. I don’t find it funny, I find it embarrassing. That’s just how it is.” Just be frank and matter of fact.
**Case in point, because it happened today: my friend was visiting and while she was here, my cat got his leg caught in his toy basket and FLIPPED OUT, flailing around trying to shake the basket off and climbing the walls in his terror. My friend watched this in hysterics and laughed about it for the rest of her time here. All I could think about, during his freakout and after, was, “My poor little guy was so scared. :(” He was fine, and I don’t think she’s insensitive for laughing, and I also don’t think I was oversensitive for not laughing. It just isn’t funny to me, like knock-knock jokes aren’t funny to me.

75

Really? See, I’m thinking the gf is a little tired of hearing about his feelings, which is why she blew up at him in the first place. And based on what the OP has said about him being more eloquent and expressive than she is, I’m guessing he isn’t that reticent.

76

Ha, maybe I’m projecting!

At any rate, there’s no need to feel bad about feeling like this or couch your bringing this up in all kinds of apologetic, martyr-esque language – just say it straight out. There’s no walking on eggshells around you if you make it very clear, and use direct non-emotional language, and say, “I don’t like it when you tell stories in which I am the punchline. Please don’t do it anymore.”

77

Well, there won’t be any walking on eggshells if that’s the only issue. But I’m betting it’s not the only thing-
This

might make me feel I was walking on eggshells. He assumes I invited him to be the designated driver and he’s congratulating himself because he came with me although he really didn’t want to.In return, I’m supposed to read his mind and realize he will feel uncomfortable if I tell this story ( and not everyone would) and apparently not eat ice cream if he’s diabetic. ( Yes, I know the OP didn’t quite say that- but in the context of the paragraph,it does sound like that’s what he expects)

And I'm not so sure you are sensitive to her needs- I think you believe you are, but  it seems like you define her needs as having you accompany her somewhere you didn't want to go in order to be her designated driver. She may have had any number of other needs that you weren't sensitive to - including not feeling like she's being accused of having an ulterior motive for the invitation.
78

I don’t have specific suggestions, but I would like to wish you both well & hope that you can work this out.

Desire>Pride=Maybe.

Anything less doesn’t have a really good chance at growing before getting crushed.

79

I thought I had responded to this thread earlier, but I must have imagined it. Anyway, I highly recommend that the two of you talk to a professional. Regardless of if you’re “too sensitive” or she’s “lacking empathy”, a good therapist will help you catch yourselves when you start making assumptions and giving each other the anti-benefit-of-the-doubt. Then you can talk things over more calmly.

80

I’m also coming into this thread late, but it doesn’t seem that complicated to me.

She told a story that seemed funny to her, but, apparently, not funny to you.

Did you think it was funny? if so, than what’s the problem? If not, then you have a problem

So, it wasn’t funny to you, and you think it was degrading? Well, you should have just told her that instead of the “get some beers” stance that you took.

If you tell her that it made you feel bad, and she doesn’t agree, when then it’s just
over.

If you tell her that it made you feel bad, and she said “Sorry, i didn’t know you felt that way” then just move on with yourselves.
It’s not really all that complicated if you are truthful to yourself and to her.