Man suspected of crashing memorial service
A Boulder man was arrested early this morning after police said he crashed a memorial service, grabbed the breast of the deceased woman’s sister, and showed her mother pornographic pictures.
Boulder, CO
Boulder police are reportedly searching in Thailand for the assailant’s suspected accomplice.
At some funerals I’ve been to, that would be an almost welcome tension breaker. 
ETA: And if you ask me, there’s almost no wedding ceremony that wouldn’t benefit from a similar visitation.
Some couple ran their vehicle up on the courthouse lawn in Jackson:
At least the PD was happy:
From a Google news search, among all the doppelganger towns and people, the first result actually relating to the town:
They’ve resorted to (a) animal stories, (b) random sightings of things, and © a slight scare factor. That means there is officially no news to report today.
The local Burger King was robbed of its grease. A guy was arrested for siphoning it off for sale; a 5,000 gallon tank of it would fetch over $6,000. I think I’m in the wrong business.
Gang-related deaths are going up, and we’re looking for someone that decided to murder an elderly man with a bow*. Evidently it was a thrill kill.
*with a bow? Or with an arrow? I can’t tell what the agent here is…
Well…this says that someone involved in a nightclub shooting is in a semi vegitative state right now after shooting a man and then being hit by a car as he tried to flee the scene, and two rather young men died of overdoses from snorting Vicodin.
I can beat you. In the news this week, they’re telling us that car damage was not caused by the Lizard Man - an “expert” drove all the way from California to investigate and decided that in fact it’s a swamp ape, like Bigfoot.
Rain, that’s what. The lawns are greening up. The maple trees are full of their strange brown blooms. Daylilies are up a couple inches. Fresh new chives are reaching for the sky. It looks like the oregano made it through the winter. I got a haircut.
The gummint approved of two new large lighted signs out by Interstate 69. The Nestle plant gets a great big lighted Quik bunny, and the Hoosier Downs horse track/gambling joint gets a Las Vegas-style sign. woohoo.
Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop here, at the big high school gym, called the Wigwam.
I can’t provide a link, because our dorky local paper requires you to register as a member to see any but the top stories, but…
A local man was arrested on his 7th OVI charge. That would be “Operating a Vehicle under the Influence.” As with the previous six arrests, he was riding a bicycle.
A local plant, under new ownership by a Norwegian company, has locked out the union after the members turned down the contract offer. They are hiring temp workers and busing them in on a tour bus, and parking the bus so that the picketers can’t see the temps. Despite the fact that I don’t have work I am not applying for work at that temp agency.
Nothing interesting close by, but in Ohio a man was arrested for having sex with his picnic table. Not on the table – with the table.
According to NPR and the newspapers linked here, West Point cadets are being sent to my city this weekend to “get a taste of Baghdad.”
Ooh, among the headlines today on the local paper’s website:
Farmer poured sheep remains on muckheap
One of our county supervisors, who was apparently pretty well-liked, stepped down after being accused of homosexual rape. There were lots of front-page stories about it all week.
Robin
We had a sex scandal a few weeks ago. A local coach was charged with filming boys in the gym shower. Nothing about touching, but maybe the boys aren’t talking. He hung himself in jail.
I’ve got you all beat.
Diaper-clad monkey gets out of home, chases people into street:
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/community/news/doctorphillips/orl-monkey0508apr05,0,568371.story
