Damn, you caught be. I don’t know if I have it in me to be classical evil, Ming the merciless evil. I guess I am only up to my way or I’ll shoot you evil.
Do I now have to withdraw my resume?
Hey, it’s whatever I say it is!!! (See post #17) How about “evilosity”?
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-h-aha-haaaaa!!!
Clearly, achieving my ultimate goal will raise a whole new set of issues to work out with my therapist.
As Grand High Lord, Master Admiral, Supreme Generalissimo, Unifier and Protector of the Grand Terranic Empire, Regallag I (the Axe) shall, by right of Imperial Decree:
-Give enough money to the space program so that my subjects may spread beyond planetary bounds.
-Assemble a Grand Space Armada (equipped with atomic weapons) to keep them in line.
-Assemble a harem with two women for each night of the year.
-Secretly make provisions (with my chief advisor) that upon my death all of humanity shall be ruled by a repuplic. The populace will be told that power will be transferred to my chief advisor (who will be a merciless bastard).
-Build fourteen seperate palaces, and live in a secret fifteenth palace.
-Set up a system for ruling my vast territories by administrators with noble titles. There will be a Duke of New York, he will not, however, be “A #1”
-Set up a secret police/spy organization to keep up with assassinations.
-Remove all censorship (unless it endangers the security of the Grand Terranic Empire).
-Father seven sons (by the same woman) and leave insructions that the seventh son shall also father seven sons. The Sventh son of the seventh son shall be left insructions by me on how to overthrow the republic that was set up. Because that would be damn cool.
-Have the greatest directors make a four hour epic film about my “Unification” of Humanity. It will be viewed by all people at their work place or schoolimediately after it’s creation, and later shall be shone to all children in grade six, for proper indocterination.
-End the search for a more humane method of execution. Most criminals shall be executed by having a pistol placed behind thier ear, and simply being shot. Traitors shall be beheaded, and have their heads placed upon pikes near one of the phony palaces.
And I forgot to mention:
-Give the middle east twelve years to cut the crap, or it gets turned into a giant waterpark, and the entire population of the region gets exiled… into space… by a cannon and without space suits.
You, sir, rock.
Midnight snacks of fried banana-and-peanut-butter sandwiches. Hey, they were good enough for The King! And a big, round, [rotating?] bed, with mirrors mounted on the ceiling…
Of course, I’d have to overcome my strong aversion to bananas and a mild one to p.b., and an understandable one against mirrors.
You forgot, ‘and execute the slaves who built palace #15.’
Not just Bosnia. Put kitties to work EVERYWHERE! Make them earn a place for their lazy hairy butts, even if it’s just customer relations in used book stores.
Speaking of kitties, if you elect me All-Being Master of Time, Space and Dimension, I pledge to find a cure for cat allergy so I can furnish the Palais de Doug with furniture entirely made of live cats. Mmm, cuddly!
Other things I will do:
- Tax confectioners and bakers who refuse to offer alternatives to sugared foods at 500 times the normal tax rate.
- Rebuild New Orleans, only less touristy and with better weather. I WILL CONTROL THE WEATHER
- Men who shave their heads must also wear full Nazi Storm Trooper uniform at all times, including first dates, weddings and funerals. Let’s see how long that trend lasts.
- De-subsidize jet travel and interstate trucking in favor of maglev trains, turbo-zeppelins, and huge cargo-hauling ground-effect aircraft.
- Encourage auto racing…underground. With glass over the tracks, spectators can watch the race in peace, quiet, and with minimal exposure to toxic fumes. However, if you want to display a racer’s number on your car, it must be on the underside.
- More hilarious typos in newspapers and magazines.
- Most people working in high-pressure sales will be put into enforced community service. A substantial minority, however, will probably have to be shot.
- Free wireless everything, everywhere, always. By satellite. If you want voice-over-IP phone service in the middle of the freakin Bob Marshall Wilderness, you’ll have it. We can find you there, too. If we need to. So be good.
- Want a tattoo? Fine, but it must include my face in a prominent, reverent and tasteful context.
- My imperial consort will consist entirely of attractive thirty-something television newswomen. Whom I will sleep with. Surrounded by cats.
- There will be a $2 million prize offered annually for the best dry rub rib recipe. Anyone can enter.
- As I will be overseeing total world domination from a 20,000 acre private compound on Vancouver Island, America better get used to being called Lower Canada.
- More later, if I feel like it.
-Everyone will be Catholic. Anyone refusing, will be sent to a “happy” camp.
-Everyone will speak both Engish and Latin. Anyone not fluent in five years time will be sent to a “happy” camp.
-Anyone saying anything whatsoever negative about me, will be shot on sight.
-There will be a reality show called, “A Day In The Life of The Happy Camp.” Everyone will watch. Anyone caught not watching will be sent to a “happy” camp.
-I will have a harem of hand picked women. There will be no number associated with the harem because if I see a woman walking down the street that I want, all I have to do is say the word, and she will be apart of my harem. If she disagrees, her and her entire family and friends will be shot.
-There will be random executions.
-Anyone who I deem undesirable will be sent to a “happy” camp.
-Any word that I mispell will instantly be changed to in the dictionary to it’s new correct spelling.
-Australia will become a penal colony and henceforth be renamed “Eurasia.”
-We will always be at war with Eurasia (By that I mean, once a month I send my army of undead zombies and transforming robots to kill everyone, just to keep them current in the art of killing.)
-All cats will be thrown in a sack and drowned (Ohhh, how I hate cats). Anyone caught harboring a cat will be shot.
-Anyone planning to dethrown me will be shot on sight. And all of their family and friends.
-All third world countries will have 10 years to stop being third world, or else the entire population will be sent to Eurasia.
-Newly aquired land will be used for my own personal…I can’t think of anything. But I assure you it will be frivilous and stupid, but if anyone is caught trespassing, they will be shot and used as fertilizer in my ubergarden where France used to be.
Ban cheese. It is just moldy milk.
Ban cursive writing in the workplace.
Ban speakerphones.
Give me all Microsoft’s money to distribute how I see fit.
Microsoft will be dissolved and all their software will be fixed so that it is bug free.
PCs and the internet will be given to anyone who wants them.
Nigerian 419 scammers will be forced to make their stories come true. If they have to sell everything they own and their first born to come up with the money, so be it.
Execute virus and spyware writers.
Speed up death sentences.
Execute anti-social people. I would make it known to everyone that if you commit 3 anti-social crimes, you will be executed.
Execute drug dealers and producers.
Salary cap for everyone. I will set the cap.
Anyone who does not like the salary cap can work for free. And you will work.
Bullets will cost $30,000 each but they will be free to me and my armies.
Anyone stealing from me or my armies will be executed.
30 hour work week.
Educate everyone.
Free healthcare.
Zombie Warriors with 1920’s style Deathrays will enforce peace in all warzones.
Ban religion.
France will become a county of England and the French language will be illegal. People will have 1 year to learn English.
People will have to learn the language of the country they are living in. If they cannot or do not, they will remain silent.
Everyone will be educated in the use of computers.
People who do not listen to me will be flogged.
Scientists will work to make me fit and healthy for as long as I want.
Scientists will also work on space flight so I can conquer the galaxy.
Laser weapon invention will be a top priority but only me and my armies will be allowed to own them.
I will post more rules as I think of them.
Couple more.
The people who decide they “upselling” needs to be done will be flogged and made to work 100 hour weeks cleaning out pig crap.
Companies who overcharge for products (I"m looking at you, movie theatres and you $5 coke) will be put under government control.
Everyone will have to pass and IQ test to be a parent. No one will be allowed to have more children than they can afford.
Everyone will have to perform 4 year of government service but only 4. They will have to pass an IQ test first.
Anyone in government who cheats, treats their friends better or otherwise does corrupt things that I don’t like will be either execute or flogged. Depending on my mood.
You guys can just shoot me now. 
A few more…
-Posthumous executions. Violent, public, posthumous executions. Will Hays and Shir Ishii would be the first to go.
-I would reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the world…by reactivating Operation Plowshare. (That, and by nuking people.)
-This would also have the objective of slowing global warming by balancing it out with “nuclear autumn.”
-I would institute “make work” progams. Such as building a new Great Pyramid or three out in the desert, to test archeologists’ construction theories. (Failing the employment scheme, this’ll just be a labor camp.)
-The greatly expanded list of capital crimes kinda goes without saying, doesn’t it?
-The Ministry of Science will have a “Department of To-Prove-That-I-CAN,” which will be dedicated to bringing to fruition many of the crazy technological schemes that have been dreamed up over the last century or so. Frank Lloyd Wright’s Mile-High Skyscraper, Orbital Billboards, squadron upon squadron of bizarre Luftwaffe concepts, etc.
-By my order, no statues of me or big, obnoxious billboards with my portrait on them will be built. It’s not classy, and it’s asking for trouble.
-Wide-scale subversion of the cultures of all those backwards, primitive, filthy, savage peoples. (People are just going to accuse me of it anyway, so I might as well just do it, and do it RIGHT.)
-Subverting organized religions is probably a given, too. With the ones I can’t control, I’ll just frame their leadership for formenting rebellion, and crack down. Hard. Psycho hard.
-And, of course, one of the first things I’ll do upon gaining power is to secretly found an underground resistance organization, so I’ll know what it’s doing. It’ll be just active enough to look legitimate, but not be any real threat to me.
The harem will consist of really hot guys with hair long enough to tie around my bedpost. The God-Dictator likes males – deal.
The God-Dictator is not upset if you chose to worship other gods along with the God-Dictator, however if any laws by your other gods contradict the laws of the God-Dictator, the laws of the God-Dictator are to be followed.
There shall be no armies except the God-Dictator’s army of mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders. All moneys that would have been spent on armies and weapons will be put first to keeping the God-Dictator healthy then to space travel so the glories of the God-Dictator can be spread through the cosmos.
All who have negative things to say about the God-Dictator will spend quality time with the mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders.
Everyone works until they are 65. If they wish to retire then they can but they are not forced to retire. There is a three tired system based on intelligence. The primary tier, lowest intelligence, is the service tier, 75% of the population is in this tier. 24% of the population is in the secondary tier - which manages the primary tier and interacts with the 1% of the population in the tertiary which directly serves the God-Dictator.
Rap music is outlawed.
The army of mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders will encourage the middle eastern nations to get it together for 5 years. If they fail then there will be executions within the army of mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders and the entire middle east will be nuked. The God-Dictator expects results, the Americas (north and south) the former Soviet Union and the far east take note.
All officers of companies that cheat customers above a certain level will spend quality time with the mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders.
All people who sue for frivolous reasons will spend quality time with the mutant vampire super-robot ninja spiders.
The beatings will continue until moral is improved.
There shall be massive executions at the whim of the God-Dictator.
No one will make fun of the God-Dictator’s spelling - moral = morale
A few more things:
-The “Church” of Scientology will be destroyed, and all of it’s funds stuffed into the coffers of the Grand Terranic Empire. All other religions, legitimate or not, should take note.
-Any subject of the Grand Terranic Empire who is convicted of a crime may request an audience with the us, the Grand Emperor Regallag I (the Axe). If we find him or her innocent he or she shall be allowed to go free. If we find he or she guilty, then he or she shall recieve a sentence twelve times of the original. In the case where the original sentence was death, the guilty shall be tortured, but kept alive, for one month, then they shall recieve a traitor’s death (beheading).
Sir, your tyrannical mustard rules have forces me to raise a rebellion againest you. Prepare for suicide bombers and bio-weapons.
Also, we find that is imperitive that young, hot women be allowed to not wear shirts if they so choose (however if old, or unattractive women did this, they would be punished by, say, eight years in a gulag).