Socially awkward

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’ve been there too.

Even before reading post #19, I was going to advise you (DigitalC) to look for a better job (and/or work harder at your current one). For a couple reasons. One, having money, more than just the minimum you need to get by, means you have options. And feeling like you have options, and trying some of them out, goes a long way toward getting you out of misery and depression.

The other reason is that the job thing, and the getting in shape thing, and a few other things fall under the heading of Do something that will give you a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment. This could be through a job; it could be through achieving some health and fitness goals, it could be through creating something (e.g. if you’re some sort of artist or writer or craftsman), it could be through helping someone out (e.g. some sort of volunteer work), it could even just be cleaning up or redecorating your room. This, I think, will help your confidence and self-worth, wihch will help you get your mojo back socially, sexually, etc.

22

Yeah, monetary difficulties, especially debt, are a major aggravator of depression and other emotional ills. They can constrain you and reduce your freedom. And at times it can be a nasty tail-chasing vicious circle: you feel bad, you buy something, you beel good for a little while, then you feel even worse.

Counselling or therapy are expensive, but IMHO they can be one of the best investments you will ever make, because if they are suitable for you, and you do the work, they can give you your life. But you have to have the right counsellor. I was lucky. I’ve had extremely-good counsellors. I know people who have had really bad experiences. You have to ‘try one out’ for a couple of sessions and not be afraid to bail if it isn’t working.

OTOH, exercise can be very helpful, apart from its effects of getting stronger and losing flab. I found that physical exercise has the extremely-important effect of ‘getting me out of my head’. It’s the classic ‘do something else, not something more’ that we need sometimes, and counselling tends to be a very heady dive-into-yourself thing.

23

hmmm…you might want to try moving out of your parents house and not spending so much time on the computer or TV. Sitting around by yourself doing nothing but watching TV and playing videogames can quickly lead to feelings of isolation or depression. And being a 28 years old adult living at home certainly won’t help your self esteme or confidence.

If money is an issue, you might want to find people looking for a roomate. Or go back to grad school.

When I was 28, I had a stretch where I wasn’t working. I had just finished grad school and quit my job but my new job didn’t start for three months. I went from working AND going to B-school full time to having absolutly nothing to do except maybe drink with my friends and sit around all day watching TV and playing videogames. That’s pretty much a recipe for depression. So during the day when the rest of the world was working, I would force myself to do things like read a book in the park, exploring around downtown Boston or Cambridge, kayak down the Charles River, take a martial arts class, go to the gym, go for a run. I’d sometimes drive to Newport, RI and hang out there for the day. Pretty much anything is better than sitting on your ass in front of the PC with the TV blaring in the background.

24

**msmith537 ** - Stupid question, but how did you find activities to do? I’m in a boat very similar to the OP, but have had trouble finding things to do - or rather, things I wanted to do.

Any tips, such as where to look, or how to look?

25

I’d also like the answer to Red Barchetta’s question. I work alternating afternoons during the week, and 8PM-6AM on weekends, so most social groups are pretty much inaccessable to me at this point, and I’m getting pretty bored of all this late-night straight dope trolling.

26

I got to 28 and realised I wasn’t happy with myself. I have always had good jobs and a career path, but little interest in socialising with work people. I was also painfully shy, and suffering from anxiety in social situations.

I took a good long hard look at myself, and realised that while I wasn’t happy with a lot of things, there were things that I did like about myself. I tried (subconsciously, I think) to pinpoint the things that I could easily change.

My shyness was my biggest issue. Online, I was popular and outgoing, but put me in front of people I didn’t know - or gasp in a party situation, I was completely at a loss with what to do, and always feeling apologetic for my mere presence.

To overcome my shyness, I enrolled myself in singing lessons. The first one was so hard, I nearly backed out. But I’m so glad I didn’t. It’s almost like yoga for the soul, as cliche as that sounds. The high I got from utilising my body and parts of my brain that were so long disused was amazing.

Following on from that was exercise - walking every day, along populated parks and beaches and things like that. And do you know what? After only a short time, the other regulars began to wave and say hello. And from that some friendships were struck up.

And, really, it snowballed from that. I got up the confidence, to late last year, travel from Australia to the States to meet those people who’s company i’d enjoyed for so many years. It was a journey of self discovery and a pilgrimage.

The point, DigitalC? Babysteps. Push yourself slowly and inch by inch outside your comfort zone and sooner or later, you’ll be too busy to worry about life passing you by and actually enjoying it.

All the best

–Threnody

27

What do you do at home?

Do you give any money to your mother? Do you do any housework?

Given the Hispanic name and lack of indicated location, I think the “move out” may not be as easy as some of our pals here think… but you can start pulling your own weight and behaving like a Responsable Adult instead of Mom’s Baby. It will help your self-esteem, your value as a possible roomie and your likelihood of finding a girl (well, not so much of finding one as of keeping her around).

28

You really do need to move out in my personal opinion. I am 21 and recently got kicked out of my house and so I am living with my grandparents for the time being. It is nice that they are letting me stay but I don’t plan on wearing out my welcome. I can’t imagine still living at home at nearly 30, though I’m sure some people can’t imagine staying past 18. I think any change would do you some good.

29

As much as i would like to turn my life around as fast as possible i think im going to listen to the “baby steps” advice, getting out of the house and going to a public place once in a while and working out a few times a week are a good first step i think. Moving out would be great but really not possible until i find a new job and save up some money. I don’t do chores around the house, but i work part time at the family bussiness for very little pay which was fine since ive been mooching of my parents and since i never went anywhere i had nearly no expenses. I’m already looking for something better though, and since i will probably still have nearly no expenses for a while it won’t be hard to save up enough to start a real life.

30

Well, what do you like? Figure out what your interests are and go from there. If you like reading, your local library probably has a book club which has meetings. If you like history, your local museum probably has lots of programs for the public as well as volunteer opprotunities which can be made to fit your schedule. There are model railroad clubs, bird-watching clubs, craft clubs and a host of others. My local video game store has meetings and competitions. No matter what your interest, there’s likely a club which fits it.

If you’re bored one afternoon, go out an explore a section of town you’ve never visited. Go in some of the shops. Buy a cup of coffee and sit and read a newspaper or watch the people go by. Check the listing in your paper for free concerts or demonstrations. Take free classes offered by your local university.

Don’t go out looking to make friends. Finding friends is like finding love: you’ll never find it if you’re actively looking for it. Instead, go out looking to have a nice, brief conversation. A series of those grows into an acquaintance and from there, possibly into a friendship, but don’t try to force it.

Smile at people and say “hi.” If they seem receptive, compliment them on an item they’re carrying or something they’re wearing. If a conversation grows from that, great, but again, don’t force it.

31

What kind of work do you do? Is there anything you can do to improve your financial situation?