I have a golf club in my bedroom for just such a purpose. It’s a #5 driver, and I think I could hurt someone pretty bad with it if I had to. If I was in the bathroom, and someone came after me, I think I would go for either hairspray to blind them, my hair scissors to stab them, or the lid of the toilet tank to bash them over the head. That was always my strategy if Norman Bates were to come after me and I had time to think. 
There is no place in my house where I am more than 7 feet from a firearm or a sword, axe, or knife. :eek:
But assuming the wife has sent them all out for cleaning or something, then I would grab the oosik off the bookcase and have at the miscreant. There are also tactical flashlights around the house, so I wouldn’t be in the dark long.
Pull on the rope and release the tiger. Or the 16-ton weight.
Given that oosik is walrus penis, the idea of you “having at the miscreant” conjures some…unpleasant…images.
I’d say “Get out of here. I have a gun.” How the Hell does the psycho know if that’s true?
Still, if I get the reply, “I have a gun too. Let’s play.”, I’m out of luck. But at least I’ve bought a little time to find an appropriate blunt object.
I’d like to THINK that since I’m a brown belt in kenpo karate I could take on an intruder “open fisted.” Kenpo is really self-defence centered so most of our moves involve serious crotch damage or eye gouging. I even know a few stellar moves against guns, knives and clubs.
I’m not going to speculate on how I think I might really react. It would be unprofessional 
As for my 90# retriever…yeah, she’d hide.
The penis bone of a walrus makes a formidable weapon. The sample I have is 25" long, and resembles nothing so much as a bone baseball bat. I smirk every time I think of a burgler complaining to the judge that I beat him with a walrus dick. 
I have empirical evidence that I’d be likely to do something stupid.
Last summer I was at a convention in Vegas for work. The company was paying for the rooms, and only managers were allowed singles, so I got paired up with a nearly complete stranger: I’d never met him before, but we had a co-worker in common. Anyway, he was a partier, so he came in very late one night, and a little noisily. Awakened by his entrance and not realizing who he was, I leapt from my bed and tackled him. Fortunately I realized who he was before I finished strangling him.
I think next year he’s going to request anyone BUT me as a roomie.
I’ve actually thought about this before. I’d grab the nearest heavy object I could and break a window. The sound of breaking glass is very jarring. Criminals HATE attention and he’d have to wonder the whole time if one of the neighbors had called a cop. If that didn’t work, I’d break another window and repeat as often as necessary. Obviously my hope would be to scare him away. But if it didn’t, at least he’d have a hard time getting out of my house without cutting himself on glass. Blood = DNA, baby.
I also wouldn’t hesitate to lunge my entire body out of the 2nd floor window if I thought the criminal intended to kill me. Better to bleed to death on my front lawn than at the hands of a psycho.
I really need to watch less t.v.
If it was only me there, I’d probably freeze first, then once the adrenaline kicked in (if it had time to kick in) hit the intruder with the first available object. Knowing me, it would probably be my laptop, which makes a pretty nice unexpected blunt weapon and it’s heavy and compact.
Once, I was in my lab at graduate school. It’s just a big office with a lot of chemistry books and magazines and a few computers (one of the advantages of theoretical anything is that it doesn’t stink). This guy comes in, does the meet and greet with my labmates. I know him and don’t really like him since I’m sbsolutely sure he’s got a mean streak a mile wide (he’d never shown it, those common acquaintances to whom I’d mentioned it thought I was being weird), but he’s his usual pleasant self. Several students go home; two decide to stay longer and go get something to eat, they ask us what do we want and tell me what to do if their stuff gets done while they’re out. A minute later he’s got me cornered, both of my hands trapped by one of his. Could I have escaped if the noise of someone working next lab hadn’t surprised him? Maybe. Do I think so? No, he was about twice my weight and knew how to use it.
Another time, about 8 years earlier. I’m walking down a big, empty, sunny street at noon on a Monday. A small red car with a man and woman inside stops at the curb; the woman is holding a map and they call me. Being the helpful lass that I am, I go and give them the directions they ask for, although the way the driver is looking at me is kind of slimy. At one point, the woman opens her door and stands up so we can both look at the map from the same side. Once I’m done giving directions, she starts to sit back into the car, grabs my wrist and says, while I stand there completely stunned, “oh, you’re so nice, wouldn’t you like to come to our hotel with us?” Being still young enough to expect grown-ups to defend the younger and men to defend women (even though I’d already been assaulted more than once, I must look vulnerable or something), I look to the guy and he’s practically slobbering on the wheel. The only thing that saved that bitch (I’d like to borrow a stronger word if someone can assist my limited English skills here) from a broken arm is that she was fast enough letting go of me when I slammed the car’s door. I then proceeded to head back in the direction I’d come from - the street was pretty much deserted, but the weekly Collectors’ Market was full of my friends.
So. Apparently I turn into a lamb until the adrenaline kicks in, at least when I’m the only one in danger. When other people are in danger, the lamb part gets skipped.
Sadly, with the room I’m currently in…I’d beat him to death with a heavy book. Probably America: The Book, or Hellfire Nation. Downstairs…I have am unloaded derringer I could threaten him with, or the matching ivory-headed cane.
If you do, get a aluminium child’s T-ball bat. They are the perfect length for use in the same manner as an Escrima stick, and not that much heavier.
My grandmother had an obviously drugged and mental disturbed man break down her door in the middle of the night and start ransacking her living room. At first she panicked and then she decided her best chance was a novel approach. She calmly invited him to sit down and talk about his troubles. He did although he held her hostage for a few hours. She calmly chatted and then started singing. She invited him to lay down. He started to fall asleep once but not quite. Again but not quite. Finally she hears a snore and tiptoed to the door and then bolted. She was scared to stop until she reached a gas station about a mile away. When the police got there the man was still asleep.
He was out of his mind and mistook her house for another. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my family and was the same when my father was kidnapped by a man that hid in the backseat of his car.
fucking cunt-faced douchebag from hell?
Same here. There’s no way out of my bedroom if someone is blocking the door (windows up high) so I hope I would have the presence of mind to scream. But my neighbors sleep on the other side of their house so I don’t know who would hear.
Shagnsty’s granny is way cool.
Thanks. The funny thing is that she had a pistol under her bed but she didn’t bring it down with her. People always asked her why and she just says that she knew that wasn’t the right thing to do at the time.
Can’t argue with the results. Way to go grandma.
If my wife and I were in our bedroom, there is only one stairway up so as soon as I heard the door open at the base of the stairs I would start hurling books, alarm clocks, lamps, wastebaskets, whatever I had at the miscreant in the hopes of discouraging them from ascending the stairs while my wife calls 911. As long as they don’t open that door I am just going to grab the phone and call 911.
I have a funny, if somewhat embarassing, story about a time I was startled. I was walking out to my truck after dark and as I walked around the front I saw a large shape move toward me from some nearby trees, my totally instinctual reaction was to raise my arms in the air and ROAR at it. I didn’t even know I could roar. Scared the hell out of the neighbor’s golden retriever.
Band name!
Me, I’ve always wanted to clock someone across the head with my cast-iron skillet. I imagine the sound it would make would be simply sublime.
I would definitely fight, with whatever I had handy or with my hands and teeth. I have practically no “flight” mechanism, in fact, I HATE being chased so much that I instinctively stop and turn around to face whoever’s chasing me, even if it’s a joke. So I’m pretty sure I’d jump at the guy and hurt him as badly as I can. Knowing some wing-tsun will probably help. (I’d go for the eyes first. I have a strange fetish for wanting to gouge someone’s eyes out. Like that scene in Blade Runner. Haven’t done it. Yet.)
I hope you would have the presence of mind to do these things first:
- backup your hard drive so you don’t lose any data;
- post on the SDMB “good-bye cruel world - please change my member title to ‘Fell victim of a psycho, but fought till the end’”.