She had me at “homeless teenager.”
But if it had worked out, think what a great story you’d have had for the kids someday.
“Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?”
“I just picked her up at the dump one afternoon.”
That’s exactly the point. If you were single, you would be analyzing and noticing some of these things which would change the course of the conversation. You’d have to determine if you were going to go out with this person and that would require you to notice to see if what he was saying was holding true. It was just friendly banter for the simple fact that you weren’t single… . . and IMO, neither was he.
Analogizing this encounter to how single people would behave is like saying, I had a good conversation with my neighbor, why can’t single people pick up other people like that? It has no relationship.
And you ended your OP with:
which doesn’t apply since both parties to the transaction were IMO not single. The encounter you had has no relationship to how single people would behave.
The thing that makes single Dopers nervous is the fact that there’s the risk of rejection and much to lose. In your encounter, there was none of that, so it’s not applicable.
It wasn’t a nugget of wisdom as you sarcastically pointed out. It was just an observation.
But since you’re not following the rest of my line of reasoning and I’m not interested in trying to explain it to you, I’ll just retract it.
I don’t wear jewelry or any display any outward sign that I am attached. The gentleman who assisted me and chatted me up gave no indication whatsoever of any ill intent. I’ve been propositioned; I’m familiar with the attitude and lingo.There were no inappropriate looks at my figure, no propositions, no sexual innuendo, no compliments other than “You seem really nice.”
I see nothing reasonable about your negative and patronizing dating manifesto that based on nothing other than my recounting of an abbreviated conversation with a stranger. And the idea that feeding a stray cat means one is open to having an affair is so ridiculous that I thought you must be joking.
Since you are not joking, I think it might be worth assuring you- and I will speak for several of my animal loving sisters here- taking care of of a stray cat in no way indicates promiscuity. And stay away from the animal shelter, ya perv.
It’s the unattached pussy theme. Some people read way too much between the lines.
Tabby
As I noted in my first post:
Oddly, in your first response to me, you didn’t note this. What you noted was:
From that, it’s difficult to tell that you had decided that he was single from anything you had seen. It’s still not entirely clear.
Again, as I posted in my first note:
I only have your words to go on. I wasn’t there. But from what you noted, I felt there were enough indications to see some signs that something else might have been happening. If you felt they weren’t, then it’s your story.
My only point is this: Since you aren’t unattached, your story has no relationship to single dopers. The fact that he may not have been also only adds to that.
Let me just note that I’m female. And since I’ve already retracted my statement, I’ll let you continue on in your flights of fancy about what you think I meant.
I usually use, “What’s a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?” It might need work . . .
The man could’ve been a single father.
I’m not going to assume that anything in the OP was untrue, or being misrepresented.
Were I the SO of the OP, I would object to her making a point of calling the guy Scott. That’s his name, I get it. The level of intimacy is what makes it odd for some of us men.
I can just see it. “Hey honey, I just got back from the store. Jenny gave me some great ham, and a few slices of really good Havarti.”
“What!?” Ihave to talk to her in order to get the food she’s in charge of.
Have you picked up many women? I’m going to guess that you haven’t.
Sorry, but from someone who used to approach a lot of women your reasoning is so far off it’s more than funny, it almost hurts.
So what if he drives a “family” car, lots of single guys do. I did back in the States when I was single there.
We have no idea how long he was collecting his recycles. Could have been 6 months, for all we know.
He could have been dropping off his recycles on the way to somewhere or just dresses nice.
Asking someone if they live nearby is almost a stock answer when meeting people. What are you going to ask in the first meeting, how she voted in the last election? Asking if she lives nearby is again, is smooth. It allows the person to give a vague answer if she’s not interested and more details if she is. When you try to pick up women in non-bar settings, you have to be cool. You cannot be threatening or pushy. You get bits of information and judge from there where to go.
You’re just reading too much into everything. The guy sounds sooth. He knows how to approach women in a non-threatening manner. He played it perfectly, if you ask me. He offered some help, but didn’t push. He timed ending his task close to hers, then made small talk.
When she continued the small talk, and only after it’s obvious that she doesn’t think he’s an axe murderer, he introduces himself. Introducing yourself too early is a mistake in non-bar settings. It can be pushy. You want to act cool, like you don’t have any more interest than just talking about the weather.
He then asks the obvious question, do you live near-by, which in addition to the merits above, it also nicely sets up the approach.
The approach shot was good, direct but not threatening. Getting together could mean a number of things, so if a person is married or not interested, it’s not like going overboard.
I had a nampa master (pickup artist) teach me when I was young, and this guy is top rank. He could be married, but there is no indication at all from his approach.
That would have cracked me up.
I should have been a little less facetious when replying to** H & R**, but I bristled a bit at the implication that a simple interaction had seedy undertones that I was too naïve to recognize, or that any of my behavior (feeding a stray cat!) implied that I am willing to have an affair.
I agree completely with TokyoPlayer- in my estimation the guy did everything right, whether by design or by accident.
dnooman, I can’t remember the man’s name- “Scott” was is just a common name I used when writing down the conversation.
H & R, I didn’t share the entire short conversation or expound on all the visual elements of the scene because I didn’t think that analyzing the man’s intent was necessary for some small talk. Still don’t. “Scott” explained that he had just taken his parents to church, and they had asked him to drop some things off to recycle on his way out. The conversation started when he asked me if I knew whether or not the white plastic molded lawn chairs his parents had stuffed in the trunk were recyclable, and I told him to turn the chairs over to find the chasing arrows symbol. Then I fed the cats, then he mentioned his allergy, then he introduced himself and then I turned him down nicely, end of story. Total processing time: 2 minutes.
I find the negative armchair analyzing frustrating because I do not feel that the world is so ugly and unsafe yet that we should find all strangers suspect. Just relating a mundane interaction here, no debate presented. I also felt that it was worth demonstrating that it is possible to ask someone out in a casual or mundane atmosphere, and worth noting that rejection of an offer is not the rejection of the person.
I think this thread needs some music:
Father has a business strictly second hand
Everything from toothpicks to a baby-grand
Stuff in our apartment came from father’s store
Even clothes I’m wearing someone wore before
It’s no wonder that I feel abused
I never get a thing that ain’t been used
I’m wearing second hand hats
Second hand clothes
That’s why they call me
Second hand Rose
Even our piano in the parlor
Daddy bought for ten cents on the dollar
Second hand pearls
I’m wearing second hand curls
I never get a single think that’s new
Even Jake, the plumber, he’s a man I adore
He had the nerve to tell me he’s been married before!
Everyone knows that I’m just
Second hand Rose
From second Avenue!
From Second Avenue!
You phrase this as a joke, but it contains a lot of truth. A strong woman who can handle herself in the world, who can build something, who gets her hands in the earth and puts her feet on the ground… is attractive. She doesn’t need extensive primping, high heels, or high fashion… though those can be attractive.
Absolutely. The most attractive woman I’ve run across lately was sweating her way up a rocky trail in Yosemite with about 40 lbs. of backpack on. Great smile, too. 
Despite hating getting hit on 99 % of the time, like the OP, I occasionally do turn down a friendly guy but let him know he was on the right track. It’s the least we attached women can do, if only for our single friends.
It goes beyond that. To attract women, men need to be successful (definitions vary, but no one actively seeks out a loser), self-assured, easy-going, fun-loving, perceptive, caring, assertive, and compassionate.
To attract men, women need to be breathing.
That’s a nice thought. I speak as an attached man with no interest in hitting on anyone, but it does occur to me that for relationships to form, someone has to hit on someone somewhere. It does puzzle me that many people seem to object - as if human relationships spring fully-formed from the loins of Zeus.
I think most reasonable men would very much like to hear something that amounts to “Well, no, I’m married/gay/have a boyfriend/only have time for my cats but in another life, perhaps.”
True… everyone should get one chance to ask.
That’s reasonable: it lets you down quickly and gets the disappointment over with.
However… everyone should also abide by the refusal. “No means no” and all that.
The problems start when either the asker doesn’t back off at “no”, or the askee doesn’t say “no” when desiring it. (It’s a problem of a different sort when someone wants to ask but doesn’t, but that’s not a problem for the potential askee.)
But to retain men, women need to be “successful…, self-assured, easy-going, fun-loving, perceptive, caring, assertive, and compassionate”. This is just a reflection of the idea that men’s attraction starts from the outside, and women’s attraction starts from the inside.
Not true in my case. Sure, physical attractiveness enters into it, but it is by no means the only criterion. In fact, I’m not so sure that what I perceive as physical attractiveness is not as much a mental thing. I’ve noticed that my perception of a person’s physical features changes according to my attitude towards them and (probably) their attitude towards me.
And speaking of attraction, I often find unprimped or grungy women attractive, though it really matters to me whether they seem happy and healthy and friendly. Conversely, I’m also not usually attracted to women who constantly wear a lot of make-up. Rightly or wrongly, it feels as though they are hiding something; I like to be able to see at least a little bit of the person inside. In fact, highly made up women can go a long way towards improving my opinion of them (and often how attracted I am to them) by being open and honest around me.