The one thing that stuck to me in that episode was, there was no rule that Zephyrians couldn’t participate in high school sports. Imagine Alan on the cross country or track team. There was another episode - I think it was after this one - where Zorn himself is in something like a 10K and pretty much literally leaves all of the other runners in his dust.
That was episode 7, The Battle of Thanksgiving. I’m fairly certain Alan never doing anything useful with his phenomenal lower body strength is part of the humor (to the extent that it exists at all here).
Episode 13 - All Hail Son of Zorn
Original airdate: April 17, 2017
Youtube synopsis
Seeing an opportunity to get Linda’s old job back, Zorn increases Sanitation Solutions’ business by tapping into the Zephyrian market. Alan tries to win Layla back by becoming Prom King – with Zorn’s help.
Supporting cast
Shannon (Giorgia Whigham), Eli (James Morosini), judge (Paul Bates), yard sale customer (Bob Rumnock), Vulchazor (Fred Armisen), Grobon The Great (Keegan Michael Key), mudman/spirits (Jess Harnell), Lakshmi Singh (herself),
Episode
Zorn takes a video call from Grobon, one of his former comrades-in-arms; he’s in a ferocious battle somewhere in Zephyria. A couple of Glombeasts are visible behind him. He desperately reports that Vulchazor is rapidly conquering the island and pleads for Zorn to rejoin the fight he left. But Zorn, displaying his usual level of wisdom, i.e. none, rebuffs him, saying that they have it under control, and besides, he gave up that life. Suddenly Edie interrupts him, mainly because she and Craig are getting married and taking a call in the middle of it is kinda inconsiderate. Grobon begs “Please, I have a family! I’LL TELL YOU WHERE THEY ARE IF YOU JUST LET ME LIVE!” just before getting skewered, just in case you had any tiny lingering delusions about Zorn’s side not being evil. Zorn ends the call with “Well, looks like my friend’s dead, so we can do your thing now,” further reiterating the wisdom and evil thingies. 
The area in front of Edie’s home (now Craig’s as well), some time after the reception. Numerous artifacts are scattered around, some from previous episodes. Edie starts listing them, eventually getting to “invisible spikes”, which is the cue for an innocent bystander to get badly wounded. 
Zorn explains that now that he’s leaving Zephyria behind, he doesn’t need them anymore. Craig finds the Staff of Quiv (which was apparently the impetus for Vulchazor’s war, as noted in episode 1) and wants to buy it. Zorn initially declines because it’s too powerful, but reconsiders because Craig is family and sells it to him for $50. Edie and Alan look over Zorn’s old outfits. Edie suggests that Alan wear Zorn’s formal outfit, which is exactly the same as his normal fur briefs but black, to the prom. Alan declines wearing his dad’s “loincloth” (the only time in the series anyone uses that word) because the only person he’s interested in taking to the prom is Layla, who now hates him. Zorn walks by and suggests making a big gesture to win her love back, then broaches the subject of sex. The discussion is halted when Craig fumbles a large flask, which shatters and releases a demon which probably won’t literally “kill everyone”, but it does make you wonder why a hellhole like Zephyria even has any living sentient life forms at this point.
Zorn and Linda are blowing off work to watch a soap opera. Todd calls out to them and announces that he’s going on a trip to do corporate training with the CEO. Zorn snarls at him to shut up, which is certain to be every bit as effective for him as it has been for everyone else in human history. Todd asks Linda (Called it! 
) to take over while she’s gone, and she gives a needlessly sarcastic response. (10 years? She’s survived that long?) Todd fires a pun as a parting blast. Zorn exhorts Linda to make a lot of money while Todd is out to convince the CEO to put her back in charge. “And then you’ll be a man again and we can try some stuff I’ve been curious about.” 
School. Alan pitifully tries to convince Layla to go to the prom with him. His method: a bad guitar song with lots of forced “Layla” rhymes (in the process almost citing a minor Fist of the North Star villain). She cuts him off. A crowd gathers, and she adds that he cares way too much about how others think of her, which of course he immediately proves.
Back home, Alan glumly reports that Layla rejected him. Craig opines that no one should be unhappy on prom night; he even decreed such as prom king. Zorn is surprised to hear that proms have royalty like Zephyria (well, before Vulchazor wiped them out), then gets the idea to make Alan Prom King to impress Layla. Craig likes the idea. Zorn ponders the idea of a father and stepfather (“mortal enemies since the dawn of time”) teaming up to help a son in need…and he’s completely fired up about it.
Alan is hashing out his girl trouble with Edie, who basically reiterates what Layla said to him earlier about wanting to be popular. And we learn that Edie has zero tact and got wasted at a party one time. 
Back downstairs, Zorn’s gameplan, like you need to even ask, is to kill every other boy at the school so Alan will become King by default. Luckily he realizes on some dim level that this is impractical, and Craig jumps in with a much better idea: volunteer for the prom committee and dig up some info which could improve Alan’s chances. Aaaaaand a little fun with synonyms.
At work, Zorn searches for a suitable crown online. Linda walks by and patiently explains that while she knows he’s a pathetic goldbricking “diversity hire”, he’s SUPPOSED to be helping her get her job back. Zorn admits his incompetence, but in a monologue reminiscent of Mojo Jojo, he stumbles upon the perfect solution, selling to currently soap-free Zephyria. He gets on the line with a squad of South Zephyrian mud people in the middle of a raging laser battle. The call-taker reports that Vulchazor’s Glombeasts have them pinned down. Zorn says that he’s given up fighting and can’t help them, but he can score them some surface cleaner. The mudman is at first suspicious since soap is deadly to them, but then “deduces” that Zorn actually intends to hide in the soap and sneak attack Vulchazor. 
Zorn, playing along…man, it seems like everything he’s accomplished in life was due to dumb luck…manages to rope him into a recurring monthly order. The mudman completes the order and shouts “We’re saved!” Linda, completely forgetting her lesson from punching Meka-Zorn, high-fives Zorn and promptly wishes she didn’t.
Craig suddenly enters and confronts Zorn with some bad news about the prom: Shannon’s refusing to make Alan Prom King, and when he tried to press the issue she called him “black Flanders”. Uh… 
screw it. Zorn regrets that he can’t resolve this with Zephyrian Method #1 (murder). Craig, for some reason, shows a cartoon splinter in his left hand, which reminds Zorn of the Staff of Quiv, the perfect tool for Zephyrian Method #2 (enslavement). Linda suggests using the Staff to sell soap, which gets an angry rebuff, and no, I don’t know why the hell she bothers either.
Home. Edie gives Zorn the bad news; she donated the Staff to Goodwill because she doesn’t like mind control, then reminds Zorn that he gave up all things Zephyrian. Zorn gives the old “just testing you” line (
). He takes Craig outside and reveals that he’s totally freaked out about the prospect of the Staff falling into the wrong hands. “It could be the end of Zephyria!” An unsympathetic Craig bemoans the infighting within the prom committee and being way over budget. Zorn remembers his duty to Alan and just then gets a relatively brilliant idea.
Prom night. Long panning shot through the building decked out in blue and white with “Sanitation Solutions” proudly emblazoned in several places. A company rep’s voice drones about their product line through a video (which has been running for 40 minutes). We see him on a monitor, and man, he has to be a computer-generated image. It ends with a shot of Shannon, Zorn, and Craig, the former very, very unhappy. “Uh, this is so tacky.” Zorn reminds her of her duty tonight, crowning Alan Prom King, and she is just brimming with lack of enthusiasm. “All hail Alvin!”
Alan enters with his mother, thereby illustrating that he’s an uncool loser, which is a thing that the writers felt needed to be drilled into our skulls at this fricking point in the season. He finds Layla taking pictures, and they have a really awkward exchange about Alan wanting/not wanting to be cool/uncool. Layla jokes about Edie not being able to find a better date before leaving…but it looks like she’s slowly warming up to Alan again. Something clicks, and as the same J-pop song from The Quest For Craig starts playing, Edie sees someone across the room and throws her skirt up. Alan confirms that she’s his mom and crazy.
As Craig pours a cup of coffee from a hand soap dispenser-shaped…coffee dispenser, Zorn gets a call from Linda. It’s bad news: The Zephyrians paid in 20 cartoon goats, which are this very moment chewing up every piece of paper in the office. (Which of course means that even when Zephyrians aren’t actively trying to murder and terrorize everything in sight, they literally cannot do anything at all without causing chaos and destruction, making me really wonder in hindsight what the hell the point of A Taste of Zephyria and The Battle of Thanksgiving even was. ) Oh, and one of them bore a bloodsoaked message begging Zorn for help. As it turns out 1. Zorn’s still not interested in saving his homeland, and 2. Linda never specified what forms of payment were acceptable, making me really question whether putting her back in charge could be considered a good move if you didn’t know about all of her other mind-blowing screwups.
Zorn is surprised to find Edie with Alan. They explain how Alan intends to win Layla back by coming across as totally uncool. Zorn suddenly realizes that becoming Prom King could throw a wrench into that (he can really think on his feet when he wants to!) and says the prom is lame and they should all leave early. Too late: Shannon takes the stage and announces that she’s going to get this Prom King stuff over with now before her friends do all her…wait for it…drugs. 
Zorn yells at her to shut up, and man, talk about batting zero, huh? Shannon makes Alan’s royalty status official. He looks shocked, Zorn looks anguished, and Layla is just bitterly disappointed.
As someone unceremoniously shoves Alan onstage, Layla starts making her exit. Zorn calls after “girl who Alangulon likes whose name I forget” and hurriedly preaches his uncool credentials. She’s puzzled for a bit but resumes marching. In desperation Alan takes the mike and shouts at her to stop, then proclaims that he doesn’t want to be up there (a sentiment Shannon immediately concurs with). Alan praises all the things that are great about Layla and says that he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him. To drive this point home, he kicks this crown, which OF FREAKING COURSE hits the same unfortunate he injured in the football game in the right eye, who responds with very literally the fakest “Oww, my eye!” I have heard in my life. The crowd boos Alan, along with Zorn who OF FREAKING COURSE is disappointed that he missed the other eye. This finally convinces Layla, and they leave amidst a brainless America’s Got Talent audience impression. Zorn suddenly remembers that sex talk he was supposed to give, which is even more crucial than usual as Alan’s two penises are going to be difficult to reconcile with Layla’s anatomy, and rambles wildly at Alan, but the couple is long gone.
Alan and Layla alone in a car in a dark, remote spot. They begin kissing.
Office the day after the prom, where Zorn and Linda are finishing up a, er, closed door meeting. Linda agrees with Zorn that it’s better with the goats watching, and take your consolation prizes where you can, I guess. Todd walks in and informs the couple that he’s back early after learning of an unauthorized $10,000 expense. Zorn tries to deny it, but Todd points out the memo on the purchase order: “Zorn’s kid’s prom, eat a fat one, Todd.” So given that Zorn and Linda both violated company policy and cost the company thousands of dollars, they of course do the honorable thing, which is to point out that Todd was manager at the time so everything was totally his fault! Which he buys and then terminates himself because He. Is. Just. That. Stupid. 
So now we can add BLAMING THE VICTIM to the frafgafgaegdfgadfjlgad moving on.
Home that night. Through an oldtimey radio, Lakshmi Singh reports on the state of Vulchazor’s now six week old war; it’s pretty dire. Zorn cuts it off when she starts talking about him. Edie says that Alan’s at the doctor. Craig is getting drunk. Linda proudly announces that she’s the manager again and Zorn is the head of Zephyria’s sales department. Of course half of his clients pay in meat, but never fear; the other half, through a ludicrously convoluted series of transactions, pays in Bitcoin! 
(Yeah, if-you-could-tell-your-past-self-anything and whatnot.)
Alan trudges in with an extremely anxious look on his face. He gives the bad news…he’s pregnant. After clearing up some misunderstandings (Zorn roars at Alan to get out of his house for bringing shame on the family, but it turns out only because he thought that’s what Edie wanted), Zorn explains how it happened: One of Alan’s penises absorbed Layla’s egg cell, fertilized it, and deposited it into his “he-womb”, where it will eventually bite its way out of his lower back, which is apparently something a fully Zephyrian man can recover from. (Of course, the fact that it was Zorn that birthed Alan directly contradicts what Edie tried to use as a truly pathetic bargaining chip just two episodes ago, plus it’s very strange that he never once mentioned it, but let’s forget about that because if you really expect me to keep track of all the inconsistencies, reversals, and outright asspulls on this show, I’m still going to be working on this by my Fall vacation.) Alan sits down and everyone tries to digest what’s about to happen, including a badly sauced Craig…and…they’re happy for Alan, how about that. 
Zorn decides to get some balloons to celebrate the occasion.
On the street, Zorn heading back home with an impressive haul of balloons and reflecting on how great his life is now. Suddenly a van pulls in front of him. Shot of the balloons soaring away as the sounds of a bewildered Zorn being attacked fill the air.
On the back porch, the family idly speculates on why Zorn’s taking so long to get back.
A dark room. A hand removes a sack from Zorn’s head. He’s tied to a chair behind a wooden table; two hulking guards stand menacingly behind him. Everything is fully animated. Zorn notes that the sack smells like a sack he used to pee in, which the purple-robed and -cowled figure entering the room confirms…“Vulchazor!” He casually asks Zorn where the Staff of Quiv is. Zorn answers that he’s out of the game and sold the staff at a garage sale. Vulchazor doesn’t buy it. Zorn begs in vain for his freedom (“I sell soap now! SOOOOAP!”) as his mortal enemy struts out of the room laughing.
Zorn’s sobbing and Vulchazor’s mad laughter fill the air as we see a wide-angle shot of a cargo ship approaching Zephyria in flames.
Credits scene: A Sanitation Solutions package parachutes into a war-torn field with lasers flying in all directions. Slow scroll right to the mudman who called Zorn, now the only living being in the area. He’s finishing work on a Sanitation Solutions billboard. He proclaims “Oh it’s genius! Genius, I…” before a laser flies in and splatters him all over the billboard.
Comments
As you can tell from the date, this came out almost two months after episode 12 (which itself was three weeks after 11), which I think goes to show you just how badly the ship was sinking by this point. The writers were clearly scrambling to wrap as many things up as possible, and it showed. This was a very busy episode, and unfortunately, a step down from the previous two as a result. There wasn’t anything I found super annoying (I actually kinda liked Zorn’s moral tirade fakeout), but it just too much for 21 minutes. I wanted more Shannon (who could’ve been a very funny character if the writers gave her a chance), I really wanted a lot more Vulchazor, and Todd deserved a less perfunctory sendoff. I was actually afraid the message from Zorn’s newfound pacifism was “Freedom isn’t free! Stay strong! Support the standard right wing bullshit!”, but afterward I realized it could’ve also been “If you’ve committed enough atrocities to qualify for your own Geneva Convention, saying you’ve left all that behind isn’t going to save you,” so…meh? 
One line of speculation is that the producers realized that a second season wasn’t happening and the return to Zephyria was intended as a segue to a fully-animated spinoff, which would be much less demanding and expensive than a live/animated hybrid. I’m not sure that would’ve worked (Zorn has very firmly established that he was an indiscriminate mass murderer; having free reign to return to that life might be a little too squicky for even Adult Swim), but it was definitely the best shot at this point.
Rating
5/10. Ending with neither a bang nor a whimper. Sometimes that’s just how it is.
So there you have it. One season. Thirteen episodes.
Firstly, it still blows my mind that anyone thought a television show built around right wing values in two-thousand-freaking-sixteen had a snowball’s chance of working. Never mind that entertainment celebrating punching down or the supremacy of blood-drenched warmongers ceased to be a viable idea by, oh, generous estimate, 1965. History has shown, time and again, that visual works of fiction with a conservative bent just flat-out go absolutely nowhere. I probably don’t have to name examples, but for starters you can look at the Left Behind comics and games and pretty much every bible-themed game ever. And before you say South Park: That was a billion-to-one super jackpot which happened because Trey Parker and Matt Stone came along at the perfect time, immediately found a perfect audience of fanatical attack dogs who would absolutely rip apart the tiniest dissent, and landed the perfect deal with the perfect network, which got behind them because their idea was novel at the time and inexpensive to produce. That last part, especially, allowed them to hang around long enough to grow up as creators, to the point where when they had to switch gears and make something other than The Invincible Tyrannical Flaming Sack of Crap Show, they could! This was not happening again, and absolutely not on a basic network which has certain standards, both for content and ratings.
And yes, whoever was in charge eventually realized that changes had to be made, and I’ll admit that toward the end it was starting to get good. But a quirky “high concept” show, especially one with this kind of price tag, does not have the luxury of taking more than half the season just to become bearable. And frankly I’m miffed at the idea that I should accept that. Of the shows in my recent memory that I remember very positively…The Good Place, Gotham, Empire, Quantum Leap…all of them were compelling from the first episode and kept building on that foundation. Son of Zorn started out in an extremely bad place, and having to waste so much creativity and effort just trying to get to respectable, as opposed to starting there and working on getting good, wrecked it just like it did The Muppets.
Not that you’d know it from the responses this show got, of course (I looked through Primetimer again as well as the links I already gave). It’s stunning just how completely generic the positive reviews are. “This show is really funny!” “I love the concept!” “This is a lot better than this other tangentially related show!” And I’m like, what exactly did you find funny? Making two little girls cry? Viciously sucker punching and choking Todd for no good reason? Blowing out the office electricity and carved up a ceiling as part of a ludicrous condiment vendetta? Threatening Craig’s life multiple times? All the child murder jokes? About the only concrete things I could pick out were 1. The Death Hawk was really cool, 2. Tim Meadows rocked (agreed), and 3. Well, at least it’s better than The Simpsons! And the negative reviews aren’t any better; the ones that aren’t “Oh, this just didn’t click for me.” are rambling screeds on the characters or animation.
In fact, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that we, as a nation, have trouble even acknowledging the existence of the extreme right wing, abuses of power, bullying, and gratuitous violence. That may very well be what ultimately doomed Son of Zorn, never getting the proper reaction to “liberal media” bashing or macho power fantasies and as a result failing to course correct until it was far too late. So ultimately it never had a chance. On one hand, I’m glad that right wing garbage still can’t gain a foothold in our popular entertainment; on the other hand, it’s a bit dismaying that anyone’s even still trying.
Anyway, much like my Turning Red rundown which you can find on your own because this thread’s incendiary enough as it is, I watched it, I hated nearly all of it, I got it on the record, and now here it is for posterity. I’m not sure how many times I’m going to use it as my go-to “Man, what a pile of crap!” reference in the future (I now realize it’s more like “Man, what a wasted opportunity!”), but whatever. It’s done, I got it out of my system, and the next time some addlebrained producer throws one of these disgusting barbarians on the screen in defiance of all good sense, I’ll just shake my head and move on to better things. (Maybe. No promises. )