One friggin’ night, that’s all I’m asking for.
OK, hears the deal. Co-worker/closest thing I have to an irl friend has two tickets to see our favorite comedian. He asks if I want to go. Knowing DESKWife, I tell him I’ll have to get back to him. I get a (grudging) “Sure, go enjoy yourself. I’ll watch the kids.” So, all weekend, I get little digs and guilt producing BS. Please note that that in two years, I haven’t had a night out without her. I can’t say I haven’t spent an evening without her because of her weekend in Vegas with her friends (bachlorette weekend) and times that she’s just hung out with friends for awhile. Did I complain? No, she’s a stay at home mom who needs some time away from me and the kids on occassion. So do I though. Being at work does not count as “alone time.”
Sorry to waste your time with such a lame rant, but I needed to vent about my (usually terrific) wife and this is the only place I got.
Sorry, DESK. No one should have to feel guilty in that situation. It’s not like you asked to go to a strip club, or like you go out every Saturday night. I don’t do that to my husband. I’ll tell him “Sure, go fishing tonight, and next weekend, but the weekend after that, you’re taking me out to dinner” or some such thing. He gets what he wants, yet has a clear understanding of what I want, too. No guilt involved.
I feel crappy a lot of times for going out without Sauron. In fact, I just spent the weekend with my best friend and some others doing something I wanted to do. I spent a weekend in Chicago with some Dopers back in March without him.
He always tells me to go and have good time and doesn’t do the big guilt trip thing.
Maybe your wife doesn’t trust you or has some insecurity issues going on?
Thanks for the replies folks. Aries28my wife has major insecurity issues going on. I knew that before we even got married and it usually doesn’t bother me but this time it does. I think it’s because I do go out so rarely.
As for sitting down and hashing it out, that’ll solve nothing this time. She’s actually a lot better then she used to be(we’ve talked about it before). I’m not even sure if she’s doing it (consciously) anymore or if I got so used to it that now I read it in what she says even if it’s not there. I don’t want to make her feel bad about it if it’s the latter.
My ex used to do this to me all the time - and unfortunately I usually caved to it. The result is, I don’t have any adult friends to speak of. And then, of course, he ended up leaving me.
Don’t feel guilty. Easier said than done of course.
Assuming your plans are for a weekend night, why don’t you get a sitter for the whole evening, have her go out with her friends to a movie or something, and all arrange to meet for drinks somewhere afterwards?
Since it’s an insecurity problem you’re both working on (and I do dearly hope you’re continuing to work on it, not ignoring it…when it does come to a head, it’ll come to a head in a big, bad, way. It ended my marriage, because in the end, my husband could not give up his insecurities), if she gets to go out as well, plus be able to meet you out afterwards, you’ll assuage her fears, and you’ll get to go out.
This is just a short-term suggestion that’ll get you out of the house, but I really want to emphasize that you two are going to have to come to terms and deal with it eventually, before you start resenting her for it. You will resent her for it, eventually, mark my words.
If the marriage ever split up, no one wants to be the partner who gave up all their friends for the relationship and end up being the one left completely alone.
I did it, and I’m not the first person even in this thread who’s saying this is where things like that can tend to lead.
This sounds like a perfect plan to me. It’ll allow you each to have fun both separately and together. Also, I think it would help her with her insecurity issues by giving her the reassurance that you do enjoy spending time with her too.
When you have a small child and first enroll them in a day care, they need extra reassurance that you’re still going to be there for them. I’m not saying that your wife is a small child, of course, but that she may have the same need for reassurance.
You are entitled to outside activities, and I think everyone needs friends. Ideally your partner is your best friend, but it’s nice to have more than one friend, nonetheless.
Cerri’s idea is a good one. If that doesn’t pan out - if you can’t get a sitter or something - you could also offer to stay home with the kids yourself the following weekend so that she can get out with her friends for an afternoon or evening. A lot of my friends with multiple kids around here seem to be having a hard time getting sitters these days. Make sure she doesn’t see it as just a tit-for-tat thing though, because you don’t want her getting the idea that she can have a weekend out only when you have one.
Unfortunately, we’re both new to the state and the only person she really knows is my boss (who’s also my sister). My wife and daughters are heading over to my sister’s place that night to hang out. jessicala, I’ve often gone solo with the kids while she goes out, whether it’s to the store, over a friends house, or a weekend in Vegas. I’m not complaining, I love spending time with the kids. But I do expect a little tit-for-tat without any grumbling from her.
She actually hasn’t metioned it in a couple of days. I’m starting to think that I was imagining the guilt trip based on past experience. But the show’s June 11th, so there’s still plenty of time to test that theory. Cisco, it’s one of my top five favorite comics, Lewis Black.
you should NOT feel guilty for going out to see Lewis Black! I would LOVE to see him live, he’s funny as hell. He was in my area a while back, but I didn’t have the money to go.
Good luck with your wife! Seems like otherwise you guys have a good relationship, I hope you can get her to understand that it’s ok for you to go out without her. If she’s insecure like you say she is, then she may feel like you wanting to be without her for a night means that you don’t love her, or that there is something wrong with HER, rather than just a guy wanting to see a favorite comedian.
