First of all, I am NOT in the closet…everybody I know is aware that I am gay and have been with my lover for 21 years.
But assuming you have a friend who is not out, what is the reason?
Out to whom? All of my gay friends (at least the ones I know about) are out to someone, but few if any are out to everyone. And there are one or two co-workers I’m pretty sure are gay, but they’ve never announced it to the office at large (although there are a couple whose orientation is common knowledge to pretty much everyone except senior management).
Most common reasons for not being out to everyone? I’d have to guess, but for the work ones they probably feel it’s not appropriate to discuss sexual isues at work. For the others (one, at least, is not out to his mom, and possibly not out to his brother): not 100% sure, but there are whole categories of stuff entirely unrelated to his sexual orientation that he doesn’t discuss, either, even with people he’s known for many years. He’s just a private person on certain issues, and sex is one of them. Frankly, there are times he’s told me about his sex lilfe that were just way TMI, but I wouldn’t have wanted to hear them from a straight friend, either.
I’ve dated a few guys in the closet, and of course, most of my friends have had “in the closet” phases prior to coming out.
Generally the reason is fear of losing everyone in their life, or a belief that they can change themselves.
I briefly dated a guy who’d managed to convince himself that no one knew he was gay and that he was going to change. His nickname was “Closet-case Michael,” at least when he wasn’t around. I also went out on a date with a guy who I found out had a wife and kids – he’d started a family to satisfy his very Christian parents, and was, frankly, waiting for them to die. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date.
I have a good friend on the other coast who only dates men, hangs out in gay bars, watches gay porn, and considers himself straight. His first boyfriend considered himself straight, too, so they had a lot in common 
For both of them, it was the fear of losing family and friends that kept them in the closet. The boyfriend finally came out and started running a gay-youth organization.
In addition to the obvious ‘fear of family reaction’ reason, I think lots of gay people, especially here in the South, fear losing their comfortable ‘hetero’ lifestyle if they come out. Simply, they like being members of the majority culture: safe, automatically accepted, not subject to stereotypes, etc.
(This was the explanation one gay, closeted friend gave me. My assumption is that it’s the case for many.)
huh?
Hamish’s post reminded me of this: Area Homosexual Thinks He’s Still In The Closet.
My friend is still in the closet with her family about being bi because she knows her parents won’t accept it. Since she is engaged to a member of the opposite sex, she has decided that it is, at this point, a non-issue. Her friends all know.
Unfortunately, 'round here they are still afraid of being harassed; accosted; even killed. sigh
The worst part is, they probably have good reason for their fear.
Perhaps like Eva Luna’s friend, some people may simply prefer to keep their private life… private. i agree with everyone elses reasons mentioned also. But still who’s business is it anyway. If you see someone and you think they’re gay, just because they don’t introduce themselves as “Hi I’m Bob. I’m Canadian… oh and I sleep with guys” doesn’t exactly mean he’s in the closet. Some people may want to get to know how someone might react to revealing their sexual orientation beforehand. Some might not want to tell their families (or at least not for a while) because they know their family might have closed-minds. There’s a lot of reasons.
But if you ask me, it’s no one’s damn business anyway. hehe just felt like saying that once in my life.
Im still in highschool and theres some sort of statistic that 1 in 3 or 1in 5 ppl are gay. I can sit in a classroom and pick them out. thats fun. My close cousin and friend is a lesbian and she is out to me and her parents and most of the school but not to my grandparents and other older family members how is it easy to share with ur family ur gay?
Well; It’s easy here.
I can’t believe it’s still an issue. This is 2002, you know.
It very much depends on the individual relationship you have with each family member. I didn’t come out to my dad until about eight months after I came out to my mom, because I had a really bad relationship with him until I moved out. I left coming out to his side of the family until about the same time, too, because I never saw them. I’ve been fortunate in that my family has been very accepting.
Some people don’t tell their family for a very long time, or at all, because they don’t believe they will react well. Sadly, a lot of the time this fear is founded - a dreadful number of gay kids are thrown out of their homes every year after coming out to parents who then decide that the flesh of their flesh isn’t worth their love anymore because of who turns them on.
Well, it ends up being their business. Take a simple question such as “What did you do on the weekend?” For a straight person, it’s a statement - “My boyfriend and I went to the concert.” For a gay person, the equivalent - “My girlfriend and I went to the concert” - is a coming-out. And a lot of people will react badly. The alternative is to never share the many, many areas of your life which involve whom you see socially. It’s scarcely a way to live.
I’d guess the reasons are as variable and unique as people. I read somewhere that people are like icebergs; even those closest still only know the smallest portion.
With my close friends it was impossible to gloss over something so integral to who they were. Of acquaintances/co-workers…
One was an employee. It was a pretty informal atmosphere and we shared the same sense of humor and off-beat interests. Just one of those quirks of simpatico, y’know? I was about 90% sure anyway but it was a work relationship, albeit a warm one. He finally came out to me, mostly because (I’m guessing here) the burden of denial-by-silence was too heavy. He wasn’t one to splash around any intimate details of his life, but the self-censoring became burdensome. When everybody else was just chit-chatting about the “furniture of their lives”–routine family stuff–he wore a gag, so to speak.
I still feel awful about was how damned scared and nervous he was about telling me. I really, really hate whatever forces made him that distressed him so badly for so long.
The other never came out. Oh, in an anguished moment he told a wonderful mutual friend, who knew I could be trusted, but it was in the spirit of fearful confession, not announcement. So the whole matter was allowed to rest there, in silence. I still don’t know if respectful discretion trumped the opportunity for respectful celebration. That’s…haunting.
He still hasn’t come out. He’s one of the brightest, nicest, finest people I’ve ever met: truly exceptional. (And that’s objective truth, not even remotely PC or sentimental squishiness.) He’s also a devoted only-son to his aging mother. She’s a devout Christian of the most exemplary kind, as is he: they both live their faith. But all kinds of layers are going on underneath. Her love and acceptance: almost certainly fine, though maybe with some struggle. The cost of her struggle? Unknown. The “what then”, both of them facing everyone else? Big unknown.
It’s easy for an outsider to project a sentimental made-for-TV-movie resolution. My guess is that he’s chosen to live with his secret out of fear for the fall-out to his mom, not himself.
Sorry this is running on. I’m just so damned tired and discouraged that folks still must suffer these kinds of stupid, vicious, needless living nightmares. Character matters. Kindness matters. Fairness and humility matter. Parsing and persecuting love doesn’t.
On a rare rant,
Veb
No offense, but 33% sounds like a major overestimate to me. All the estimates I’ve heard are that gay people make up about 10% of the population.
I personally don’t think it’s possibly to always tell who’s gay, although I know some people do feel they have a “gaydar”.
I have a friend who acts “stereotypically gay”, so I was not very surprised when he came out to me. He is only out to about five people. To address the OP, I think it’s because he only realized he was attracted to men about two years ago, and he is still trying to gain confidence in his identity. He also has said he doesn’t want to “label” himself.