Roll your booger into a little ball… (Rosanne Rosannadanna)
Sock it to me? (President Dick Nixon)
That was on Laugh-in.
Do you want to touch my monkey?
Hi. These are my cactuses. I put googly eyes on them. A lot of people are putting googly eyes on their cactuses nowadays. I think it’s because cactuses are dangerous. Cactuses have pricklers that can stab you in your hands, your throat, your face. So you need to know where you stand with them all the time. The only way to know where to stand with someone is to look into their eyes, right? Normally plants don’t have eyes, so it’s hard for me to trust them. Hence, the googly eyes. Still, it’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t turn your back on a cactus.
Chapter Two: “I Am Nailed To The Hull.”
What’s all this fuss I hear about an Eagle Rights Amendment? Now, I realize that the eagle is the symbol for the United States of America. But I wouldn’t like to sit next to one on the bus!
But, Captain, we’re so deep! Surely, we must be 20,000 leagues under the sea by now!
Roll over, Liberty. Good dog.
In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as… “The Falconer.”
What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court decision on a “deaf” penalty? It’s terrible! Deaf people have enough problems as it is!
Our guest is Superman, the lines are open! When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? Is it something that’s on your mind? I mean, do you say, “Uh-oh! I hope I don’t run into some kryptonite today!”?
And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Reincarnation – The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows! Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
More cowbell. (Chris Walken, to the musical gig.)
What’s all this I hear about violins on television? Violins are lovely instruments!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
See what these are, boys and girls? They’re drums. That’s a beautiful instrument, you know. You know where drums come from? Africa! You know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater, and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off! I wonder how Smokey is gonna sound with no percussion?
“That was awesome.”
“Gonna cost ya. Two gligs.”
Sony guts!
No, I said, like Sony guts.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW… and run off into the hills, or wherever… Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you.
I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
There is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfully in tight slacks.