Hello, Cook ? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some-- That’s right. Don’t forget the applesauce.
Pizza? You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
No, no. You can’t put cucumbers on a pizza.
No soup for you! One year!
Excuse me, sir, but, uh, how much is your soup? *Eighty cents!* How much is coffee? *Holy mackerel.* I mean, thank you, anyway.
The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
The four Harpies of the sea: shipwreck, epidemic, mutiny, murder. So far, I’ve been spared with nothing more serious than a squall off of Antibes. And now this.
- Wally, what’s an optimist?
- Well, that’s the kind of a guy who, if he fell of a five-hundred-foot cliff, would keep saying to himself “Everything’s gonna be alright” all the way down.
- Anything else?
- Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please do not come to my funeral. Have a good night.
You missed your grandfather’s funeral. He had everything planned to the last detail, and you missed it. The police send off. Daphne’s toast. Bulldog’s Ave Maria. What possible excuse could you have for not being there with your family?
God, help your family. Because I think they actually love you.
I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Richard, I was on my way to the lodge meeting. What happened?
In a minute we’re going to start an official Possum Lodge meeting, and we’re going to do the Possum Lodge salute, and the Possum Lodge open, and you’re gonna have to stand, but before we get that far, I’m gonna teach 'em to ya.
Sorry. This is the rear entrance to the Water Buffalo convention hall. No ladies allowed.
I now call to order the first meeting… of the ancient, mystic society of… No Homers.
“Winning shows strength. Winning without fighting shows true skill.”
“You are a student of ancient strategies.”
[encouraging Beaver to read Sir Walter Scott’s “Ivanhoe” for his school assignment] There’s a lot of excitement in the book, Beaver. You see, these knights fought to defend their code of honor. And they, oh, they rode all over the countryside, avenging wrongs and protecting the weak.
I was wrong to think you could be a threat to the world.
The guy’s one lab accident away from being a super villain.