(Answering phone) Hello, Daddy’s phone. […] No, you sound like a little girl. (Hangs up)
I can’t believe I missed your calls! It’s that incompetent girl at work.
Look, dear, I don’t know you that well, but you’re the new girl, and you’re not much, so you might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.
The cat won’t fit in the toaster. Never mind, I’ll make a peanut butter sandwich.
Yeah, and she’s one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.
This is just a little Peyton Place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites!
I can’t believe it. I’m being shunned. Just like back in Hanover. Just like with the Amish.
Sometimes I don’t believe you or the counselor.
It’s odd. We rarely see this kind of gap between achievement and aptitude, except in families where at least one of the parents is in prison.
This woman is me, but with a temper. And what happens if she slips up and goes to prison again?
Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me here, here, now! It would hurt me less than what you just said!
“Why, that’s fish-catchin’ bait! That’s the idea, you know, to catch fish.”
“That looks more like a piece of ham from our lunch.”
Nine thousand dollars doesn’t buy the leisurely lunch it used to.
Hullo there, children. How are my little crackers today?
Do be good boys and girls for your parents.
“We’ve played with our parents.”
"Now we want to play with yooooou."
Listen, either you let us play, or we quit.
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[the Family is backstage, about to make their debut in Las Vegas. Shirley is having stage fright]
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[Through clenched teeth]
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I’m having trouble moving my mouth.
“I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me.”
“I guess what you heard didn’t include the words coming out of my mouth.”