Remember you told me to tell you when you were acting rudely and insensitively? Remember that? You’re doing it right now.
Don’t…condenscend me man… I’ll fuckin kill ya man…
Oh God, no, please don’t kill me. I’m not a spy. I’m nothing. I’m navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don’t score much. I got a little dick, it’s pathetic!
And you are Napoleon Solo, the CIA’s most effective agent.
Listen. I work for the CIA. I am not a spy. I just read books! We read everything that’s published in the world. And we… we feed the plots - dirty tricks, codes - into a computer, and the computer checks against actual CIA plans and operations. I look for leaks, I look for new ideas… We read adventures and novels and journals. I… I… Who’d invent a job like that?
Oh, put a sock in it, Z. Ten minutes out of the egg, and I’m already listening to one of your lectures. You locked me up into your stuffy little hyper-lock chamber and tossed me away into the depths like yesterday’s trash. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be locked up in a rotten egg for 6,000 years? It’s boring. Not to mention I had a Charley horse since the Renaissance.
Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?
I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all out of bubblegum.
Eat floor. High fiber.
Metamucil: It helps you go to the toilet. If you don’t use it, you’ll get cancer and die.
Porsche. It’s a little too small to get laid IN, but you get laid the minute you get out!
Jaguar: Sleek and Smart. For men who’d like handjobs from beautiful women they hardly know!
I don’t really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.
Nobody knows anything, Joe. We’ll take this leap, and we’ll see. We’ll jump, and we’ll see. That’s life, right?
What do you mean, LIFE? Life, for what? For what? FOR WHAT?? I had FIFTY-THREE days left! I HAD FIFTY-THREE DAYS LEFT!!!
Well, no. Probably not now.
Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?
Oh wait, let me guess, I’m very good at this! Uh, that’s Harriet, and then Ronny, Gretchen and Rita. Uh wait, wait a second - Cecilia, Dorothy, and this is Kenneth, and…Bambi.
Hey, hey! Now, don’t you tell me you don’t remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.
I remember you were pointing my gun at me.