Day 0) Made a checklist of items to pack. No gay adventure could possible be complete without these toys.
[ul]
[li]Color coded felching straws. I know I said I never used straws for felching, but you never know when someone else may need one. My motto: Boy Scouts and SqrlCubs should always be prepared.[/li][li]Guitars. For seranading the savage breasts: Mr. Asner’s and mine. (Maybe Kris Kringle’s, too.)[/li][li]Costume Kit. Just grab my usual seaman’s bag: This is a business trip, after all; not a vacation.[/li][li]Butt floss. Need I say more?[/li][li]Ford Festiva. Pick this up at the airport leasing agency: I hope it’s lavender.[/li][/ul]
Day 1) Home to New York City at the invitation of Ed Koch.
Here I was the head judge at the Macy’s ChristmasLand auditions for next year’s Santa Clauses. Competition was ‘stiff,’ but I found a winner by throwing straws, similar to fortune reading by throwing sticks. The Winner is pictured here. Stayed overnight at the Waldorf-Astoria in Ed Koch’s suite. Met Hillary Clinton there and gave her a run-down my new PAC, The Frequently Felching Advocates. She seemed receptive and accepted my campaign donation.
Day 2) NYC to North Carolina.
Must stop by Hillbillie Hank’s Olde String Box and Washboard Shoppe to get measured for a new custom-made guitar. These fine fellers are responsible for crafting all of Bill Monroe’s mandolins. I must remember to pick up my new guitar on the way home. Played a set in a honky-tonk called, The Cubby’s Hole" with Sleepy LaBeef. Spent the night in Crocker’s Nub.
Day 3) North Carolina to Vegas.
A very long drive. My hemorrhoids are really acting up; I guess no sex tonight, anal sex anyway. I made it to town just in time to get my room, grab a quick shower, alone…sigh, and head down to the lounge to play a couple sets with the Electric Amish. These guys have a lot of energy, especially Yoder, the dude who rides the bicycle to power their electric generators. After the show, I went back to my room at the Lady Luck, there’s a lousy name for a gay hotel. I wish I could have found a room at Circus Circus; that would be a more fitting placefor a flamboyant Cub with a bone in his nose to shack up for the evening.
Day 4) Vegas to Phoenix.
Participated in the Arizona Renaissance Fair. Highlights of the day included: naked jousting, anal armor crafts, glass blowing (those condoms are really tough to blow from glass), tossing tomatoes at an insulting peasant at the Vegetable Justice booth, pageants, parades and my favorite, riding the Butterflye Carrousel in people-powered da Vinci Flying Machines. Here’s a picture of myself at the fair. “Eat, drynk and be merrie” is the cry of the day. Slept in a tent with two dogs and a fuzzy goat.
Day 5) Phoenix to Scottsdale.
Thousands of Ed Asner fans from all over the world get together to share their appreciation of their favorite gruff-but-big-hearted TV editor. (Their favorite gruff-but-big-hearted real editor is of course Ed Zotti. I wonder if there’s something about the name “Ed”.) The convention features key grips and gaffers who have worked with Asner during his long career, role-playing games designed to make Edders (they hate being called “eddies”) feel like part of the Mary Tyler Moore team (“Can You Be Murray?” is always a big hit), collectible auctions, and more. Also, there was a rumor going around that for the 2000 convention, which is also the 20th annual, Asner himself will make an appearance, at least on videotape. He was there in the flesh! It promises to be the best Asnercon ever! Here’s a photo I had taken at the conference of Ed and myself (I’m the one in red, as if you can’t tell). I slept in the parking lot in Ed’s Winnebago and showered with him in the morning. He let me shave his back and I saved the hair to make a pillow when I get home! Just before leaving, I decided to take Ed on the road with me for the remainder of my trip. He wasn’t too receptive to this idea, so I kidnapped him and stole the Winnebago. This was obviously the highlight of my trip; it would be the highlight of anyone’s trip.
Day 6) Scottsdale to Macon, Georgia.
Not a lot of people know this yet, but it has always been my dream to form a ‘not-for-profit’ pro-felching PAC (I broached the idea in NYC with Hillary and Ed Koch). I’m in Macon to gather funding and support for the afore-mentioned Frequently Felching Advocates or FFA, not to be confused with Future Farmers of America, as well as some special programs for Boy Scouts and other such civic-minded organizations. It isn’t surprising the group, Religious Rodent’s Rights Reactionaries (motto: Gerbils Have Feelings, too) are supporting these efforts, as are Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Ross Perot, and the rest of the Independent Felchers Party. Here’s a photo I like from Macon (that’s Rossie in the dress). I’d like to report that the Scientologists are involved but I haven’t received confirmation yet. The really good news though is that Ed Asner is on board.
Day 7) Macon to Orlando.
Another great day on the road. I’ve been hired as a consultant by Disney Corp. to help plan Gay Days at Disney. Their tentative motto: “The gayest fucking place on Earth.” Disney Studios, as part of the release of Fantasia 2000, is attempting to increase knowledge of classical music in the American public. Since, in a future version of the ongoing project of “Fantasia”, they will animate Scriabin’s “Poem of Ecstasy”, they are hiring consultants to help devise muzak versions of that and Scriabin’s sonatas to be played continuously whilst waiting in the buffet line at the restaurants of their amusement parks and cruise ships. The experiment will be inaugurated during the Gay Days of Disney.
Day 8) Orlando to Crocker’s Nub.
I made quick stop in Crocker’s Nub again to pick up my new guitar. The lousy bastards built an electric guitar for me, can you believe it? They said they’d changed it from an acoustic on the directions of Graeber Goodman of the Electric Amish. I must have been too drunk on Pink Squirrels the night I played in Vegas with them. Graeber and the boys said I promised to join them on an extended road tour later in the year. I’m not sure how I can get out of it now, or even if I really want to; you see, they are scheduled for the AnserCon next year. I think that may be the only way I’ll get to see Ed again since I stole his Winnebago and left him in Macon with Ross Perot.
Day 9) Finally Home.
Well, today I arrived at my humble nest and after a long relaxing honey and milk bath, I was expecting some wonderful sex with my BF. It was not to be; unfortunately, he had flown out to surprise me in Scottsdale and found me felching Ed. Now I’m going to be buried in the back yard instead of just my nuts. At least, that’s what I think this picture he left for me means.
I’ll leave you with this exchange between Ed Asner and myself.
Ed: Hey, Rocket J SqrlCub, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
Sqrl: Errr… that’s not your hat…
Hugs, SqrlCub!
