That Glorious, Soul-lifting Enlightenment when you realize all bad things in your life… Are Your Fucking Fault. And, as a side Butt-Fuck, all bullshit as a result are your fault as well!
I used to be An Asshole. I still am, and will likely always be. Even when sober. More so when drunk, and I’ve been drunk now for decades. I drove away all friends and family one by one. Not like Pink Floyd says, with Calculated Precision, but more of a shot-gun blast of Dickery. Just can’t seem to have ever helped myself. Well, they all gone now. The misery compounds. Like putting out a Shit-Pad for the dogs when it’s snowing. Now you know where you won’t have to clean piss in the morning.
And there I am, standing in the snow in the middle of the Desert today in a rare moment of clarity despite being a third of a way into a 12-pack and finally admitted that it’s all been my fault, all along. And I’ve deserved all the shit that it has rained down on me since. Too stupid and arrogant to realize all the things I’ve wrecked and when I’m being conned and scammed because I naturally think I’m so much smarter than everyone else. Jesus, I’m an idiot.
So, starting tomorrow…
More of the same, I’m sure.
*We are going to ignore The First Epiphany. Below the standards of this Community
Is it just me or has there been an uptick in witnessing, self-immolation and hair shirts seen on these forums recently? We have also seen the return of the prodigal father.
Coincidence or no?
If there is a connection, can we tell Unca Cec to fuck off?
Okay, so you’re an asshole. Stop it, and you won’t be an asshole any more.
.
See, this is why I’d be a crappy therapist. I should help you explore why you’re an asshole, and tell you to get into a 12-step program, but naaah, don’t care.
I’d figure, no one needs to know why you keep pooping in their front yard, first they just want you to STOP IT. You’re a human being, capable of caring about others and yourself. Start doing that… Asshole. (sorry, couldn’t resist)
We charter the same boat. Longtime friends are no longer speaking to me after I didn’t handle an ex-friend’s death well. All aboard The U.S.S. Asshole!
I don’t know where you are, @Gatopescado, but my own relentless bouts of self-condemnation (realizing how my cluelessness and self-serving actions have alienated nearly everyone I once knew) have ramped up with the month-long crappy weather out here in CA.
As I know (and I’m sure you do) beating on yourself doesn’t help those you’ve injured or offended and just adds to the net misery on the planet by increasing your own. I wish I knew how to get out of the rut. Let me know if you find a better way, and until then, well you aren’t alone.
That’s a good point. You’re in a club of assholes here. Rain and snow (and and mudslides) don’t help, some of us didn’t handle a pandemic well…
…and some of us handled it too well. I don’t want to “get the gang back together”, I’m still enjoying being a hermit.
I also think that becoming an asshole is a default for guys of a certain age. My automatic response to anyone is to think “Screw you”, and I have to actively fight against that.
You could maybe start by not being so abrasive in the Movies You’ve Seen Recently thread? Like, instead of (generally poor) attempts at pithy humor, actual provide substantive commentary on movies you’ve… seen recently?
But here’s the thing. I think sometimes we condemn ourselves and spiral into self-loathing in part because deep down it relieves us of accountability. Like if I feel bad about this thing, I can keep doing it.
But you can’t keep doing it. Because now you know. So please, coming from someone who’s been very damaged by people who refuse to take accountability, own your shit and do better. The self-hatred part is not necessary. It’s a distraction at best, and a loophole at worst.
And by “do better” I don’t mean transform your entire self overnight. Shoot for 1% better. Something so small it seems trivial. That stuff compounds and builds momentum over time like you wouldn’t believe.
The problem with “do better” is that it also includes “stay away from the people you pissed off so their lives will be less stressful,” which results in you being more alone.
My mother has managed to be disowned by every single person in her family, her own mother included. We are all much, much better when she leaves us alone. I have no idea what she’s doing with her life now, but I hope it’s forming new, healthier relationships with other people.
I know from experience that my hope is unlikely. Much likelier she’s shit talking us to the new people and sucking up their sympathy until she turns on them too.
I’m sure it sucks being alone, but the only way to end that cycle is to change. Again, it doesn’t have to be a radical overnight transformation. Just some consistent modest effort in one area of life.
Some relationships are damaged beyond repair, but I do think it’s possible that when others see you making positive changes, some will be willing to start over.
Cheers.