The Holiday Special, however, was 100% real.
A planet where Ewoks evolved from Men!?
“Get yer stinkin paws off of me, you damn, dirty…, well, not really dirty so much as sickeningly over cute, itty bitty, koala bear looking pieces of … Ah, fuck it. Go ahead and kill me, I’ve lost the will to live.”
That’s not true…that’s impossible!
Search your feelings; you know it to be true.
They would simply graft the head of C3P0 onto his body, R2D2 would keep Luke’s head in a side compartment, to pull out whenever his droidly duties needed some levitation. Can you imagine a whole movie with C3P0 with a lightsaber? BADASS!
You, sir, have serious mental problems.
Burl Ives?
Good gad.
But, but, the slave girl suit…
Hmmm… good point, actually. All right then, try this on for size: While trapped helplessly in carbonite for months, Han’s subconscious mind has achieved a state of such extreme horniness that he begins experiencing spontaneous Force-like precognitive visions, which are incorporated seamlessly into his hallucinations. Leia’s slave bikini is one of those visions. Meanwhile, as the Rebels are attempting to establish their provisional alliance with Jabba, the stocky Space-Irish crime lord captures Leia to use as a bargaining chip (taking care to dress her appropriately). Later, when Han is thawed out, the first sight to greet his hibernation-weakened eyes is…
You have my vote.
Right. There were a number of things wrong with Episode VI, but the gold bikini is non-negotiable.
Actually, though, one could vastly improve Return of the Jedi simply by replacing the Ewoks with the originally-envisioned Wookies. Ewoks kicking butt is ludicrously saccarine, but Wookies kicking but is simply the natural order of the Universe.
An army of butt kickin bootylicious babes wearing different types of skimpy metallic outfits (some of them just in butt kickin metallic body paint) and kickin butt would’ve kicked butt.
NoClue! My old friend! You’re still alive!
…and still fixated on…many of the things I am, though somewhat more exuberantly.
The Schwartz is strong in this one.
“You did it, you idiots! God damn you! God damn you to Hell!” 
Merchandising, Merchandising, where the real money from the move is made! 
I am a ghola.
You can be arrested for that in Mississippi.
Add “scripted by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Richard Rodriquez” and I am in!
And of course, bring in Selma Hayak and Eva Mendez as Han(rietta) Solo and Admiral Piett, and Danny Trejo as Boba Fett (Danny Trejo being a total scary badass doesn’t preclude him from being the victim of slapstick if necessary)
Johnny Depp can be the manipulating-behind-the-scenes Stormtrooper With No Eyes, playing Jabba the Hutt (played by Willem Dafoe with a tacky fake Irish accent) against Emporer Palpatine (played by Ian McDiarmid, really can’t top that one).
Chicleta Ewok will eventually become the sidekick of the Stormtrooper with No Eyes.