I was listening to an advertisement for this on the radio the other day. It had me cracking up. “While you ponder what the initials FTD stand for or what Summer’s Eve is all about, you could have simply just used Stinky Hole Clam Spray.” If only it were a real product.
Now for the fun part. We can rename things to what they really should be.
Eggs: liquid chicken aka chicken miscarriages aka chicken abortions (if they have the red spot in them)
HUGS!
Sqrl
That really makes me think.
Trojan Condoms. They use the Trojan Horse as their logo, right?
Get this: The trojan horse was a delivery tool. It snuck the soldiers in, and let them out when nobody was expecting it.
That sounds like a bit of a surprise that I wouldn’t necessarily like, when it comes to keeping the boys in the bag, ifn’ you know what I mean.
John Hancock Life Insurance: The “When is hubby going to die?” Lottery!
Milk : straight from the cow’s titty
Old English Malt Liquor : When you don’t want to remember what you did last night, and you only have $1.25 in your wallet.
Any brand White Zinfandel : because you don’t really know good wine when you taste it, do you?
Ramen Noodles : 1200mg of sodium never tasted so good!
butter: quadruple bypass surgery in a stick
prune juice: poop-a-licious
menudo: you-gotta-be-crazy-drunk-to-love-this-stuff
sauerkraut: pickled slimy stuff
whipped cream: who cares what it’s made of, it has a nozzle
Glen, sometimes White Zin is perfect for the occasion. Like when the wrong relatives are over for BBQ and you don’t want to break out the Caymus Special Selection that is ready to go, but it’s hot, the wine is cold and the kids are eyeing the dough boy pool. Kinda like Kool Aid for grown ups.
Lipstick - Made from real fry grease, collected from food service institutions like fast-food restaurants and college dining halls.
Boone’s Farm wine - Okay, you want to get drunk but your account balance is running low and you don’t know if you’ll be able to make rent. That’s okay. Boone’s Farm is dirt cheap and tastes like a really crappy wine cooler, but hey, any port in a storm, man.
White Castle Hamburgers - 90% chance of contracting a really nasty case of Screaming Asshole, but worth the risk.
Arm & Hammer Baking Soda - You tell everyone you use it to brush your teeth, but we all know you really buy it because you have a stinky fridge. Don’t worry. It’ll be our little secret.
Fancy Feast Cat Food - Your cat doesn’t deserve it, but your grandmother does.
Pine Tree Air Fresheners - Clinically proven to cover the stench of cigarettes and beer, especially if you hang four or five of them from your rearview. Cops and parents will never know!
Scrapple - We could tell you what’s in this stuff, but you’re better off not knowing. Just enjoy its unique taste and try not to think about pig snouts.
EZ Widers - Yeah, you roll your own cigarettes. Sure thing, pal. Don’t worry, the cashier isn’t a narc.
Reddi Wip Whipped Cream - Dude, you can give yourself a whippet hit right in the freaking STORE.
Glade Air Freshening Spray - Okay, so it won’t cover the smell of that dump you just took. And it’s really more of an anesthetic than an air freshener, but if your roommates see you spraying this stuff all over the place, at least they’ll know you’re making an effort.
Eight O’ Clock Bean Coffee - Too sophisticated to use the already-ground stuff, but too cheap to buy from the gourmet coffee store. Yeah, we get it. Starbucks chafes us, too.
Hall’s Mentholyptus - Okay, so we won’t do jack about that cough, but have you tried one betwixt cheek and gum during oral sex? Wowsers…
Gillette Mach 3 - We laughed when we sold you on the “two blades are better than one” thing, but we’re really busting a gut over “three is better than two.” No, really.
Anything from Chef Boy-ar-dee: Okay, we know this stuff doesn’t exactly resemble pasta, but hey - we’re creating our own food category. Does Taco Bell taste like Mexican food? No, but you people buy it by the truckload, right? Just buy it. Kids love it because it’s loaded with sugar.
Jiffy-Pop - Man, when are you going to buy a microwave so we can mothball this brand?
Lucky Charms - We went overboard with the damned marshmallows again, didn’t we? Oh, well. Can’t go back now.
Circus Peanuts - Grandma, buy us and you’ll never have to refill your candy dish again.
Oldsmobile: The car only Senior Citizens will drive.
FORD: F***ed Over Road Disaster
Cadillac: Faux luxury styling for the nouveau white trash.
Mercedes Benz: We offer a comprehensive warranty because sooner or later, everything will need to be replaced.
Porsche Cabriolet: What college fund?
:::swoon:::
A man after my own heart!
Kaopectate and Immodium:
“Need a plug?
Chug-a-lug!”
These are great. Keep them coming in. 
Pepto Bismol. Will stop your diarrhea temporarily but that is because you will puke out this vile tasting, barium textured, chalky residue leaving slime. Not only will you get rid of your stomach ailments (by causing you to puke up everything in it) it will help you lose weight. (99% of the time I would rather stay sick than drink this crap.)
HUGS!
Sqrl
brussels sprouts: No matter how you cook them they will still taste awful. Buy them only to punish your children.