Stop telling me not to worry, because I know how screwed I am.

The BBQ Pit
41

Welcome to the hardest time in your life. Nobody ever tells you they, do you? We have millions of coming-of-age books and movies about adolescence. But we don’t have this kind of cultural script for our real coming-of-age. Books and movies just kind of skip over this period between “I am a student” and “I have a career.” Nobody ever warns us that it’s going to be terrifying that moment when we realize nobody- not our school, not our job, not our parents- is going to give us any idea what to do next.

Six years ago, I was exactly where you are, posting just about the exact same thing.

Truth it, it got worse before it got better. I refused to live with my parents, so I moved in with a guy I’d only known for a week. I ended up working three jobs at once- a video store, a motel and a diner. I had no time to have friends or do anything I enjoyed. I didn’t even have time to look for a better job. At one point, I bought a twenty pound bag of beans, a twenty pound bag of rice, and a gallon of hot sauce. I lived on that for the better part of three months. To think- I had thought a college education meant I’d get to skip the “dirt poor” part of life. Not so! I thought i was stuck. I could see no path between where I was and where I wanted to be.

Then I did something stupid. I’d managed to save a bit working so hard, so I bought a plane ticket to India and spent three months having the kinds of adventures I used to dream about. Absolute crazy adventures. It was better than six college educations.

When I got back, I moved to the ghetto for cheaper rent, finally found a cool job, enjoyed being young in the city for a while and finally joined the Peace Corps. I have been living in a dream ever since. Life these days is awesome- I help people, I am learning a new language, I get to travel to all kinds of places, my work is fun and never stressful and I am meeting all kinds of great people from around the world who are becoming life-long friends. Career-wise, I’m finally where I though I should be out of college. I can stay in China and easily find a good job, I can probably get into my choice of grad schools, I could go back to the States and start teaching or try to start a new career. My plan is to go back to grad school and then find NGO work in West Africa. It’s totally reachable now, and it would be a dream come true.

So there are a few point here. The first is that this is normal. The second is that things will work out, but probably not in the way you thought they would. But if you have the guts not to turn down opportunity, you will probably find yourself doing more amazing stuff that you never even imagined.

The key is to make sure you grab on to chances when they do happen. And it seems like you are already one to do that. I mean, yeah, you could have majored in accounting and probably found a job. But you don’t really want to be an accountant, do you? You took a risk on what you love. It’s a tougher path. But it’s one with the greater chance of rewards. And the rewards are out there and will come by eventually, but you have to have the guts to reach out for them.

Finally, don’t worry about the past. The past is a training ground. If you aren’t where you want to be today, it’s probably because you have something you need to learn before you can get there. I do regret not joining Peace Corps right after college. But honestly, I learned some lessons during those “wasted” years, and it’s thanks to learning what I needed to learn during those hard times that I am where I am now. I needed that time, and you need this time.

42

You are not a fuckup. At worst, you fucked up and learned nothing. At best, your mistakes aren’t so bad and are things you can grow and learn from. In any case, you as a person are not a fuckup, an idiot, a loser, or a bum. If you were anything remotely like that, I’m guessing somebody here would have said so by now. From what I see, you’re a smart, young, educated, anxious person.

I’m in a similar boat to you right now. It’s hard. If you are anything like me, you are being way too hard on yourself. It’s important to take personal responsibility, but kick yourself too hard too many times and pretty soon your foot starts to like it. Or something like that.

On another note, don’t forget that your self-worth does not need to be based on your job, your income, or anything else for that matter. You exist, therefore you matter and have worth. I also can’t praise even sven’s post enough. Hang in there NinjaChick.

43

I am almost 40 and I still live off my parents.

44

I know a grandfather who is almost fifty who is sitting on his butt in his mommy’s house. He pays no rent and doesn’t do anything around the house. Housework is woman’s work. Meanwhile, his grandmother keeps sending them money she can’t afford to send because her daughter (his mommy) is sick all the time and needs help with the house. That grandfather is one freeloader.

Your situation sucks but you don’t intend to be a freeloader. Nor do you have a dependent personality problem like the person who just lives on and on and on with his parents for no apparent reason. You have graduated in exceptional circumstances. It is quite possible that you may have to work a couple of unpleasant jobs that are in no way related to your having a college degree. That is not a reflection on you.

Since you are not paying rent, you do need to work out your keep with certain responsibilities around the house. But you need to know ahead of time what these responsibilities are. You can’t just be at their disposal.

I can understand your mother asking where you are going and what time you will be back. That is just second nature. It’s not meant as a contolling thing. But since it bothers you, let her know that it infringes on your sense of privacy and independence. If she asks again, just say, “Why do you want to know?” That will be a reminder.

All of this is just part of the give and take of living as an adult among other adults. I wish total independence for you soon. Even better, I wish you those incredible adventures that even sven has described. You would have to learn how to “cast your fate to the wind.” It’s not for everyone.

45

Ha, I saw that Zoe had posted and thought she must have found a way to debunk your claimed “being screwed” status.

46

Honestly I wouldn’t worry. That thing with the unicorns probably won’t even happen.

47

You’re not screwed. You have family that will help you. It may be painful but there are much worse things.

48

I’m going to third this.

49

Get a superhero outfit and fight crime.

50

Have you considered a cult? I don’t think they check your GPA. You’ll have all the Kool-Aid you can drink and all you’ll have to do is a few hours of farming and a couple of prayer sessions a day. Plus the added benefit of not being in contact with your family.

51

For all those recommending substitute teaching - last week I was talking with an ex-teacher mom who was looking to getting back into working after taking some time off when her kids were born. She said in our area they had stopped taking applications for subs, as their rosters were full due to the economy.

Don’t know if she was right or not, or if the same holds true for other areas.

52

I made the same lame-ass decisions you made and my mom wouldn’t even take me out to dinner after graduation, much less let me come back home. I have survived going on 25 years and, look at me: I’m sitting in a nice chair in the coolest place on earth posting to you on the clock!

PS, I got this job from temping and I’ve been here 12 years.

53

There are so many great suggestions in this thread about dealing with your job and loan issues. As for the family problems, that’s a tough one. It took me years to figure out how not to fall back into the old parent-child patterns with my folks. However, monstro and Zoe have good advice, IMO.

My partner had to do something like this – namely, sit down and renegotiate her relationship with her parents. This sounds kind of lame, but it’s actually not a bad idea to sit down a create a chores list and a list of expectations, such as what chores you will do, if and when you will join in for family meals, what the parameters are for going out, when you can sleep in, how much you will pay for rent, etc. Put it in writing and agree on it as a family. This might take the pressure off your parents, too. But you need to stick to the plan – treat it like a job or rental contract.

We use something like this at home. We write out lists of chores and other responsibilities. When it’s in writing it seems so much more manageable. And we stick to it better.

Just a thought!

54

Heh.

Me, I’m not going to argue with the OP’er regarding her status on the “fucked” scale; I’ll assume the arrow is all the way over on “truly, deeplly fucked.” And I understand that sometimes when you’re scared or depressed you just want someone to say “Yeah, that does suck.”

But at this point, you have two options: You can lie there in your fuckedness, or you can get up and constructively think about what your options are at this point. Your mom may have been wrong not to acknowledge that “Holy shit! I’m fucked!” is in fact a very real place for some of us (most of us, at one time or another), but she’s absolutely right that “Holy shit! I’m fucked!” is not where you want to set up housekeeping.

Item One on your list: Stop Being Stupid. (And that’s your characterization, not mine.) If your decisions in the past have been stupid, sit down and figure out why you made them. (Why did you major in liberal arts? Why did you take four years of math? These are rhetorical questions for you to ask yourself.) Was it laziness? Fear? Inertia? A lack of planning? Recognize that you have to be more active and more pro-active in your decision making going forward – less stupid, IOW. After that, evaluate your options and decide on a path forward.

I’m not saying any of this is easy, but it is where your future lies, whether you like it or not.

55

Time to teach English in Asia. Japan or Korea if you can swing it; they pay the best. I live in buttfuck nowhere Japan, have very little to spend my generous salary on, and I can ride it out here for another few years if I want. Other positions will let you ride it out indefinitely. And I have a useless degree in English, and plan on heading back for a MA in it (because I want to teach and earn no money). For now, I’m pretty well living large.

Get out of the damn country until shit improves.

56

You forgot all the sex. Of course it is only with the Great Leader and you have to share but you can’t have everything.

57

Yeah, I got my current (great) job from temping, too.

I know you hated temping in the past, but it’s a different beast when you have a college degree behind you, you’ll be up for a lot more long-term & better positions. Yeah, you’ll probably have to deal with a lot more sucky jobs than great ones, but at least you’ll be making money, and more than you would be at a different sucky job, like retail. One upside is that it can be pretty flexible, so it will also give you the opportunity to look for something permanant outside of what the temp/contract agency can help you find.

Bone up on your Excel, Word, and PowerPoint skills if you go this route.

58

Are you calling yourself a role model?

59

Sorry man. I thought graduating college in four years, moving away from home, getting a job, and becoming a productive member if society was what I was SUPPOSED to do. I didn’t realize I was going to fuck up YOUR life. I’ll try to die off as quick as I can so you can inherit my job.

60

Yes. I’m not going to tell you to not worry - for heaven’s sake, you SHOULD worry somewhat in your situation, I’m going to tell you DON’T PANIC.

No, you’re young and you’ve made a few mistakes. We all do that. It’s called being human. The problem is, you’re an adult now and the mistakes count a lot more than when you were a kid.

::: list of problems snipped ::::

OK, let’s try to take this in order, shall we?

  • Yes, you can always ASK for a forbearance, change in repayment whatever on any loan you ever make in your life. Does that mean you will automatically get those changes? Of course not - but you can always ask. And you SHOULD. Because when you ask sometimes you do get want you need, or even what you want.

  • If someone gives you money to help you pay your bills this will NOT adversely affect your credit rating. How could it? Taking money from mom to avoid going into default is better than going into default, unless mom insists you commit crimes to repay her. I doubt your mother is going to do that.

  • The whole “mooching off the parents” thing is mental bullcrap. I was an self-supporting independent adult for 25 years and last December I went to mom and dad to ask for money to help me pay the rent and keep a roof over my family’s head. Yes, I’m in my mid-40’s and “had to mooch off my parents” to get me over a rough spot. Yes, it sure as hell hurt my dignity but I can’t eat dignity, live under it, wear it, and it won’t keep me warm in the winter. Family members are supposed to help each other out without keeping a tally sheet over every cent exchanged.

Think that’s bad? When I asked for help with the rent in January, from my parents, I knew my mother was dying. That’s right, mom’s dying and I’m asking my parents for monetary assistance. But I had to do it because we were out of money and I couldn’t make the rent. I paid it back by being one of mom’s caretakers, changing mom’s diapers and cleaning up mom’s blood and running to her side all hours of the day and night and administering medicines and sitting next to her and holding her hand while she died then helping with the post-death stuff and then helping dad go through her stuff and pack up the house for him to move in with my sister in Buffalo. All of which required me to relocate to mom and dad’s place 250 miles from my spouse. Um… what were you saying about your situation being awful? I don’t say this to one-up you in the awful department, just to point out that even being an independent adult for a couple of decades doesn’t guarantee continued independence. Living with a healthy relative until you can get on your feet is far from the worst of all possible circumstances. Hell, dad is moving in with one of his daughters, finally admitting that no, he really shouldn’t be on his own anymore and he needs to be close to a living family member - that has nothing to do with finances, that’s because he’s getting old and will never be independent again. That was a brain cramp for him, for sure. That sort of thing sucks whether you’re 22 (you), 45 (me), or 80 (dad). But it happens in life. It’s reality. Part of being an adult is bowing to reality and dealing with situations you don’t like.

  • Stop calling yourself a worthless cunt, beating yourself up over this will NOT help and the last thing you need is self-inflicted mental wounds.

  • If your mother and father split up that is their problem and not your fault. They are adults, and responsible for their own behavior. You are not responsible for them (at least, not until they’re so old and disabled as to be unable to take care of themselves).

I understand you’re mostly venting here, and you sure do have reason to vent. Those first years just out of college are hard for most of us, and you’re entering the work world in the work economy since the Great Depression. It sucks. That said:

  • Take advantage of any and all help writing your resume, career counseling, etc. you can get

  • Go to your unemployment office. You have a job, yes? You are losing it, yes? Go to the unemployment office. Even if you don’t qualify for benefits they typically have information and advice for job seekers. I got my current job with the US Census via information obtained at the unemployment office.

  • You’re going to get discouraged. It is inevitable. However, you are not allowed to quit. Take one day off a week from the job hunt to rest/recouperate, but then get back into it no matter how much it hurts. You’ve got determination if you took four years of college math when you suck at math, use some of that for the job hunt

  • If you have to live with mom, dad, or one of your siblings for awhile suck it up and do it. If you do, be sure to do your share of the household chores and maybe a bit more to say “thank you”. This may enable you to live comfortably whil earning minimal income, which you can then put towards paying down debt and/or saving up a bit of money so you can pay a security deposit when you finally do get a place of your own or whatever.