Yep, and it’s a great sign that it’s time to move on to someone less pathetic. A confident and generally excellent person WANTS to be with someone competent. More than competent.
So, yeah. This has totally happened to me. With assholes.
I never thought I did but I’m 34 and still very single so it’s possible that I offended a guy enough to drive him off.
I had an ex who said a couple of things about my specialty, and I corrected him. He insisted he was right, despite that I was at the time a resident while he still hadn’t finished his veterinary degree. I was right, he was wrong.
He also, one time, said that because of my specialty I shouldn’t call myself a veterinarian. That only those who directly dealt with animals should use that. In his mind, a lot of specialties, and also veterinarians who become distributors for veterinary drugs and food, are not supposed to call themselves that, even if that is what their degree says. Oh, I had such an evil grin and laugh when I learned (after we broke up, for other reasons), that he was employed primarily as a pet food salesman, and not as a clinician.
No, because I don’t tolerate that crap. I kicked them to the curb quickly. I’m not going to sink years into hoping someone “gets better” when the personality flaw is that large.
I don’t think I’ve ever been involved with someone who was threatened by me. One guy (whom I started a thread about once) only put value on my looks and “niceness” and he wasn’t afraid to tell me that, but I don’t think he had a problem with me being capable and knowledgeable. But it’s not like I know a lot of about “guy” things. Perhaps if I did, my experience would be different.
Obviously. But the issues you discuss aren’t what the thread is about.
If guys are allowed to answer, then here’s my two cents.
I have no problems with a capable partner. In fact, I really do prefer it because there’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sole bread-winner and fixer-upper in the house.
When I first got married, my wife made a lot more money than I did. Now she works in my business, but the income from the business depends entirely on my skills as an accountant so the dynamic has really shifted. We’re in the process of getting someone else in place to let her cut her hours way back.
However, I will say that there’s a caveat. I’m less competitive than most men, but there’s still that element of competitiveness there. I do not want to come home and feel like I have to compete with my wife. Competition is for outside of a romantic relationship and if a competitive element gets in there, the relationship is toast.
So it’s one thing to sit down and have a discussion about how much each person makes and then draw up some plans about how to manage finances and make some changes. That’s great - delegation and teamwork are perfect. (So, for example, when my wife was making more money and I was working from home, I did most of the laundry, cooked most of the meals, etc. It just made sense to delegate tasks that way.) But if my wife would have started making comparisons or started nagging about how I had to catch up in some way… as soon as it shifts from teamwork/delegation to competition/comparison, I’d be so out of there.
Two important aspects that seem to be getting left out of the discussion:
-
How do women feel about being better at these things? Do they respect their partners less if they’re not as good as them at the things they’re “expected” to be better at?
-
What about women’s stereotypical areas? It’s one thing for a man to be OK with his spouse being better at “masculine” tasks/skills if he himself is better at other things. But what about if the woman is better at both areas? I could see that as being a bigger problem for both men and women.
I think there is a general insecurity for some men that don’t have a masculine ‘thing’ to claim. Like if their wife has a better job, is good at girly things AND manly things. The husband might develop an inferiority complex because not only does he feel ‘un manly’ by his peers he doesn’t have some equivalent. He might feel like his SO is with him out pity or something.
It’s not a rational or healthy way of thinking, but I noticed people who already feel insecure find ways to validate their insecurity.
And I think the guys that are intimidated by a competent woman are dumb. They’re missing out on a partner who can contribute a great deal to the relationship. Guys who want to be the breadwinner gamble their ego on being able to support two people vs having two people both work and share the burden. I see relationships as a team effort- what one can do benefits both even if that means the wife can fix cars or makes more money.
When my wife was in grad school my job was our primary income, and for two years I definitely felt the pressure that a lot of our goals relied on my job. When she graduated and started working, she took a huge amount of pressure off. She makes more mon-fri than I did working 7 days straight. I don’t have to work weekends anymore. She’s also a very fast learner and can pick up new things much faster than I can. Conversely, she hates doing dishes and laundry and loves that I don’t mind these things ( personally, it’s easier than pulling weeds or painting a fence! ).
I have co workers who are literally working themselves to death because the idea of their wife having any career outside of Avon is unthinkable to them. I’d rather be happy humble and have cumulatively more to show for it.
I wonder if this was a factor in my baby sister’s divorce. With one minor exception she was the most competent human being I ever met, and I know she made considerably more money than her husband. I can easily see him being intimidated by being constantly outshone by this tiny, brilliant woman.
I agree with grey area.
It wouldn’t at all bother me if my wife took care of the car, or if I did the cooking/cleaning, but I would want to be the higher earning / smarter / generally higher ‘status’ partner.
I haven’t had that many relationships, but none of them have been intimidated by my competence. Any guy that even hinted that he was wouldn’t have lasted long with me. The closest I ever got was one who was dismayed that I wasn’t more traditionally feminine, and that broke us up. We just went back to being friends and have been ever since. We just weren’t right for each other relationship-wise.
The spouse and I make roughly the same money–he’s a bit higher now because his company is more generous with raises than mine, but that’s okay because mine lets me telecommute and I value that highly. He’s better at some “manly” things than I am (like putting things together and repairs) and I’m better at some than he is (like he can’t parallel park worth a damn, and I confidently zip right in). He’s better at some “womanly” things than I am (like cleaning) and I’m better at some (like cooking–though neither of us is any great shakes there!)
25 year anniversary this year, so we must be doing something right. 
I don’t see how a relationship could last if there was a partner who was better at EVERYTHING. I would think that would get pretty old after awhile for both parties.
You’d be surprised. The “better” partner might like the ego boost and the “lesser” partner might enjoy riding on the other person’s coattails.
Theres also other dysfunctional matchups, like a lazy slacker pairing with an insecure overachiever, a pairing I’ve seen a few times.
my WAG is has something to do with deviating from traditional roles and contributing to the marriage/family as well. Traditionally men were the breadwinners while women tended to domestic matters, child-rearing a significant one.
I don’t think most men would have a problem dividing household chores, unless he’s as insecure/lazy/dumb as the person mentioned in the OP. But if the woman is the primary breadwinner AND the go-to person for the children, what’s dad’s role in the family? Drink beer and fart? He might feel like he’s not truly contributing to the family, and feel unimportant. Expendable.
If he pickups more household chores to contribute more, maybe that’ll make him “feel like a bitch,” to put it in the crudest terms, when his pride/ego is already bruised. In fact I’ve seen some marriages in which the less-earning husband will make a point not to do “womanly” chores, which I think may be for those reasons.
But earning differences is one of many obstacles that a marriage may face and one that many marriages overcome, some not. Also one of many problems I would rather avoid if I can.
Sure, these relationships exist. But how long do they last before someone just can’t take the imbalance anymore? Doesn’t the novelty of an ego boost eventually give way to frustration and impatience?
I’m suddenly reminded of that documentary “There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane”.
Not a problem in my marriage. In fact, I am thrilled that my husband is good at some things traditionally in the female domain that I, despite my gender, have never been particularly good at. Ditto for my husband.
My feminine ego is not threatened by men being competent or even excelling at traditionally feminine skills. My husband and I are partners, we support each other and celebrate our strengths, whatever and wherever they might be.
Some of these relationships can be pretty successful, whichever gender it is. One person I knew phrased it as: she made the money, her husband made her happy, and so it was a perfect match. They’re still going strong after 20 years.
This reminds me of a guy from way back. He seemed to think women were black boxes that took in garden salads and radiated pure beauty. After our last date, he actually chastised me for farting in his presence! When *he *had just farted!! I laughed because he was surely joking. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. And that was the end of that. He would have done better to partner up with a caged butterfly than an actual living, breathing human being.