Hi! I’m Murgatroid Mulcahey, I’m a strawman for the anti-gun lobby. I want guns to remain legal in every way, and even for infants. I keep my guns loaded and beside me on the passenger seat of my car so I can shoot people who look at me wrong. KILLING IS FUN, and I have no regrets about doing it. Everyone should own a gun, and kill whomever bothers them.
What’s your name?
Hi, I’m one of those idiots who refuse to respond to this thread . I breath through my mouth and live in my Mom’s basement.
Well, pleased to meet you, Murgatroid. I’m a strawman for the NRA. I want to outlaw all weapons of any kind, including the plastic sporks at Taco Bell. I want the United States to surrender its sovereignty to the U.N. and for jackbooted thugs from the FBI to harass innocent people who question my pansy-ass liberal ideals. Also, I like campaign finance reform because I’m against freedom.
Hi! I’m Johnny “Jimbo Baby” McGibbits, CEO of Megacorp. When I’m not abusing the help at the country club, or perpetrating embezzlement as creative accounting, I enjoy subverting government and perpetuating racial and economic class distinctions through my “old boy’s club,” in pursuit of my only God and morality, money.
Hi! I’m Hildegard Aiello. I have abortions because they’re fun and help me to lose weight. Having an abortion makes me all giggly with anticipation at having unprotected sex with several men again, after that gross embryo is out of my uterus. I hate children, God, and men.
Hi, I’m a Democrat, and I hate freedom.
Howdy all!
I’m the Reverend Peter Puritan…Praise Jesus!
I’m yer local pro choice strawman…designated for the mid central region of the U.S. of God Fearin’ A !!
here’s the deal:
In general, Sex is bad. It’s just no good. No one should be having that much fun.
However, seeing as how it IS the only way to procreate and make more Christians, it’s an evil we have to live with. Praise Jesus!!
Remember though, sex is NOT to be enjoyed, but to be endured! And sex is ONLY for procreation, not recreation…only 1 body cavity please.
Frankly, if you’re such a slut as to get yerself knocked up, you must realize that the baby growing inside of you is God’s punishment for your sins. Praise Jesus.
BTW, once Gods precious child exists your womb…we have no interest in it. Don’t come looking for handouts just because you can’t keep your knees together.
Needless to say, any fool who threatens one of God’s babies with an abortion is fair game for retaliation from God’s army…up to and including armed retaliation. Praise Jesus.
I’m Dr. Steele, here’s your bill
Bonus points for whoever knows the reference
Hi! I’m a conservative Christian Biblical literalist and creationist, and I like to rail against Darwinism! Since I can’t be bothered to keep up with this sort of thing, I remain convinced that evolutionary theories today remain exactly where they were 150 years ago.
Darwinism is outmoded! Darwinism can’t explain everything! Darwinists are evil conspiracists who have an educational stranglehold on science!
If only someone could show those Darwinists just how silly they are, and how natural selection doesn’t explain everything in the natural world, maybe we could finally get some good ol’ fashioned religion back in the classrooms (or, at least, Intelligent Design).
And that someone is me!
Hi, there! I’m Butch McBulldyke, Lesbian Recruiter! I want to have my way with all your wives and daughters, and emasculate all your menfolk, because ah hates them varmints! I look very much like Clint Eastwood on steroids, and I drive my muscle car around town, drinkin’ beer and scopin’ out innocent gals to convert to my perverted lifestyle! Which, of course, I chose on a whim one day.
Wait, this is getting confusing. Darwin’s Finch, are you supposed to be a strawman or a real person?
While I’m here:
Hello, sailors! I’m Gaylord McQueen, and I don’t just want equal rights for homosexuals like myself - I want to start a HOMOSEXUAL REVOLUTION!!! Death to all breeders!!! Under the homocracy that my gay pals and I want to establish, all young boys will be forced to submit to our depraved desires. See, the plan is that once we have converted the whole world into gays and lesbians like ourselves, we’ll all get together and have nonstop gay sex until the human race dies out. Who’s with me, fellas?
I am a horny teenager. When I’m not off smoking pot and looking for patterns in Korn lyrics (played backwards and upside-down, of course), I’m off either thinking about boinking my biology teacher or availing myself of the nearest (reasonably-tight) hole. Wherever it is.
This weekend I think I’ll swim in my sheets.
Hi, I’m Molesty McPriest. When I’m not luring small children into my gingerbread house behind the Church, I enjoy urinating on pictures of Jesus, paying parents for full priveledges with their kids, and having conference-call phone-sex with the Pope, a couple of Cardinals, and Satan.
Last week I ran somebody over in the Porsche boxter that I bought with the money from the collection basket but it’s okay, because the Bishop said he’d cover it up for me!
Hi! I’m Person Alven Detta. I simply live to attack mild, fairly generic posts because they remind me of the time ten years ago when I was mercilessly teased for picking my nose. Either that, or I just don’t like the OPer very much, and can’t miss the opportunity to shamelessly parse their posts, fruitlessly argue semantics and take every comment in the worst possible light in order to further my cause. Namely–that I’m a far superior poster to OPer and am therefore automatically correct.
Hi, I’m Person’s friend “Best Parent Ever”. I never go anywhere without my children, and why should I? They are the only reason I do anything, ever. I take them to bars, work, sporting events, darkened restaurants and XXX double features. I let them run rampant and unchecked because stifling their individuality is, like, so 1950s. Admire my children–they’re so much more important than you, you should be grateful I’m even allowing you to look at them.
Strawman for the abortion-rights folks checking in.
Hi, I’m Mister Ogynist, an oppressive patriarchist whose only joy in life comes from oppressing women. Hell, I love so much to oppress women that I want to see every woman carrying a baby…maybe even two or three…somehow, even though I’ll never know these women or their babies, somehow, it gives me chest-thumpin’ power if it’s illegal for them to abort the kids. Soon, I’ll have these women totally dependent on men like me, and next thing, we’ll take away their right to vote, too!
hi i’m Raindrop McLentil, Strawperson for the anti vegetarian brigade.
i don’t eat dairy, gluten, meat or any animal products, in fact i don’t eat any plants until they have died naturally of old age.
i wear clothes i have woven myself from my neighbours grass-cuttings and spend much of my spare time picketing steak restaurants and throwing red (animal product free) paint on the customers.
i also buy fur coats from thrift stores and give them burials (complete with eulogy) in my back yard.
i also refuse to use any medications tested on animals and treat every ailment with meditation and crystals…including the scurvy, pellagra, beri beri and rickets i seem to have developed.
Threads like this allow loudmouthed miscreants an opportunity to sound off, giving them the delusion that they have something valuable to say and the media, ever eager to chase a dollar, will happily give them air-time and this willl lead to the destruction of all civili rights everywhere and you can laugh but you won’t be when a Brownshirt kicks your door down.
IT’S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!
Hello, I’m here to represent the American Hating Liberal Treasonists Association (AHLTA). I have no respect for my country, and like burning the American flag on other people’s property, to show the evil that is America.
America is to blame for every bad thing in the world, and I hate this country. I spit on Veterans and burns flags. I think that everyone should know that it WAS the American’s fault for September 11, because the poor Muslims don’t know any better-it’s AMERICA’S FAULT!!!
Hi I’m Jack McTract and I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.
Y’know, just because some godless evolutionists can’t beleive in a miracle from god they have they have to concoct some mumbo jumbo to prove that we were put on this earth through a massive bang that created a earth which just out luck happened have the right mix of everything to support life and then an organism miraculously appears and evolves into some weird thing that evovles into another.
::Pause for breath::
This happening just like that has a probablility that is virtually impossible and further more, a probiblity of virtually zero mathematically speaking is virtually unfeasable-you’re an intelligent chap-you do the maths… Even things that have 1 in 1000 chance in happening takes a long time to happen.
Also, Noah’s Ark has been found in Russia only those godless commies aren’t letting anyone look at it because that would prove the bible to be true.
Here, have a comic book.
Hi I’m Ray Bolger from 1939.