Stuff sucks. Do I have a right to pity myself? (sorta long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This isn’t really a foaming-with-anger post, so I didn’t think it belonged in the Pit. But, I just had to do something to garner pity and support for my miserable position this weekend. To wit:

I live in Chicago. Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago is a BFD, and while normally I can ignore societal pressure to drink for drinkin’s sake, this is traditionally a pretty well-celebrated holiday for me. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have nothing to do for St. Paddy’s, and I don’t think I can handle Saturday night TV, so I may just have to go crazy.

My son and I just moved in with my boyfriend, who is a graduate student. Before moving in, it had been our (my and my boyfriend’s) custom to go out on Saturday nights, and while we didn’t often party hard and stay out late (he’s something of a homebody, unlike me), we usually did something - dinner and movie, parties, occasional trips to bars. Upon moving in together, we agreed that we should maintain the kid-less Saturday nights to spend some QT together and also spend more time out with our friends, something we had been neglecting when we were starved for time alone together. I’m very lucky in that I live close to my parents, who babysit my son most Saturday nights. It’s a good situation all around, as it gives my son (and me) the chance to spend time with my parents.

Well, the boyfriend’s planning on working on a very important paper this weekend. I can’t really get upset about that, except that he has been consistently putting off working on it. I know he’s had ample time for the last week to work on it, but he’s done very little so far. He has said this is because our apartment was in a state of disarray due to the recent move, and there were so many things to get done that he was constantly distracted. I’ve been trying my damndest since we moved in to give my boyfriend quiet time in the apartment to get studying done, but he wound up using that time to putter around and watch TV. But - this weekend he is going to Get It Done. Fine.

End result: four weeks into cohabitation, and I have yet to set foot out of the house for anything besides work, errands, and frequent kid movies/bowling/walks to the park with my son. The first two weekends we were still straightening up, getting out of boxes, etc., so the three of us worked on it together, and now we’re about 80% settled in. Last weekend, I took my son to my parents’ so we could…drum roll please…buy drywall anchors and speaker cable. Whee.

Now, don’t get me wrong - I don’t expect to get wined and dined and go to the thee-a-tah every single weekend. I appreciate evenings at home sometimes. And, I knew what I was in for as far as his studying needs. But I also need to get out once in a while! A movie! A beer! Anything! Throw me a bone here! And St. Paddy’s is just the proverbial straw here. My friends have already made plans that I, for one reason or another, can’t partake in at this late hour. So I’m stuck at home…on a Saturday…on St. Patrick’s Day…listening to my boyfriend type and watching the Saturday-night-Crap-O-Rama. Maybe I’ll go see Shadow of the Vampire by myself.

Am I just a big baby? Whiny? Selfish? Inconsiderate? Am I overreacting too early, or is this a harbinger of things to come?

2

Gundy, so go out yourself. Or at least rent a movie/buy a new book and CD/find someway to treat yourself tonight. Make your favorite dinner or order out and serve it nicely. If it’s going to be a quiet at home alone night, make is the best kind of quiet at home night it can be.

Or go out, but I’m not real big on facing drunken crowds by myself, so I have nothing to add in that direction.

3

Medea’s Child, thanks for the nudge. I suppose I will - but I don’t really dig drunken masses on my own, either. If I’m gonna get groped, I’d rather it be in the company of someone I know.

The thing is, for me, it’s not so much about where we go or what we do, as long as it’s someplace away from home. I spend every other evening at home, and I have a limited amount of time available to do grown-up-like. I’m pretty isolated in my work due to my job, and aside from phone calls and a volunteer group, I don’t get a lot of adult contact. My schedule is very regimented because I have a child. This is great normally, and I’m not unhappy about it by any means. But I am antsy. So on the weekend, I don’t like staying home if there’s something I could be doing - museums, ball games, movies, shopping, poking a hole in the dirt - I like to do, well, stuff. My boyfriend knows this about me, and I know he’s a homebody, so up to this point we’ve both compromised - we’ve made an effort to find stuff we’ll both enjoy, spend some time vegetating, and don’t pressure each other either way.

I guess what it boils down to is that while I feel like I’ve been making an effort to accomodate his study needs, he’s ignoring my need to be, I dunno, active. Out. And getting irritated about it makes me wonder if I’m being petty.

4

Gundy

You’re just a big baby :wink:

Your happieness is more your job than your SO’s. Therefore if you will be happier getting out and celebrating St. Patty’s day, then get yourself together and get out there and celebrate. If you can’t hang with your usual friends, then check out whether other friends have plans, or make new friends.

Do have a discussion with your SO about the promise the two of you made to one another to continue to have childless time out together on Saturdays. Do not remind him during the week that he should get things done before Saturday, he was able to do that himself when you were dating and there’s no reason for you to fall into the trap of having to become his reminder service.

There’s no need for this to become a trend if you are both willing to work at it.

Just my couple o pennies.

-Doug

5

Sorry, this wasn’t very clear. I meant I spend every evening other than Saturday at home.

6

I agree. If I must, I don’t feel weird heading out on my own. I’d just like to use the childless time I have available to spend time with him, or failing that, have time to make alternate plans to utilize that time with friends. In this case, I had been working on the assumption that we would do something - partially my fault, I admit, I could have brought it up earlier. In fact, if circumstances were different, I might not be as upset - if I had been able to make plans with friends without him, it wouldn’t be so bad, I guess.

**

I’ve exhausted my options, unfortunately. New friends? I’m working on it, but it’s tough.

Again, I agree. I do feel that if I make arrangements explicitly to leave him alone in the house and give him time to study, then he should study, dammit. And if he had…well, anyway, I’m trying to be considerate, I really am. I don’t want to be his mom, too.

You’re right. He’s generally very willing to listen and talk about problems. Mainly, I’m trying to see if I’m being a spaz before I do talk to him.

7

Gundy, I’d say its not a screaming/whining fight deal…but it should be discussed. You feel as though he’s breaking a promise to you. Air that out now. You’re not being a spaz, you’re sharing how you feel.

8

Not to be too cynical, but my recommendation would be to wait to get deeply into this discussion until after this important paper is written.

I think getting into a discussion that might unsettle him enough that the can’t concentrate on writing, however small a chance that may be, would be a bad idea if this paper is critical to his academic career.

-Doug

9

So you don’t think that yanking the power cord to his PC from the outlet and shouting, “We’re talking NOW! And then we’re gonna get DRUNK off our ASSES!” would work?

Uhh, yeah. Actually, he’s exactly the type who would be unable to concentrate should we have this discussion. As much as I would like to solve my immediate problem I would really like him to get this *&#%@! paper finished. I’m so tired of hearing, “I really need to get some work done on this paper…ooh, an ER rerun!” So in the interest of my own fragile sanity, I’ll wait 'til Monday or thereabouts.

**

But I waaaaant to whine! Why can’t I whiiiine?

That’s exactly what it feels like. I will talk to him about it, but I’ve gotta get over the knee-jerk “I’m upset but I feel like I’m laying a guilt trip” reaction. That, and, as I said above, he’s gotta get this paper done or I’ll write it myself.

10

Gundy, what do you think we’re here for… whine away!

Get it all, out, every petty thought, every slight, real or imagined and since you’ve already shown yourself to be a fully rational caring person in regards to discussing this with your SO so I got one will stop making constructive suggestions and happily listing to you whine and just say:

{{{{Gundy}}}}

As long as you finish in time to get your self out this evening and show yourself a really good time. :wink:

-Doug

11

How I yearn to hear those words from a woman.

12

Gundy,

Can you provide an update?

-Doug