“The Cockateer”
A guy dressed in a really lame superhero costume who defeated his female nemesis with his…uh…prowess.
It did have the best line I’ve ever heard in a porno, though…
As the villainess is blowing away, the hero is ready to make the money shot, and shouts out, “Take that, evil doer!”
Too funny, really.
One of the first porn movies I actually owned. It had Raquel Darrien in it, and some guy, and anothe chick.
Here’s the plot… Raquel Darrien is a hot slut. She has a friend who is a sex therapist.
The sex therapist is working with this guy.
This guy has (no joke) the secret of life tattooed on his penis. But it’s only visible when he’s hard. He can’t get hard. Hence the therapist.
He finally gets hard by fucking them both, but I’ll be damned if I can remember what the secret was… something stupid.
in all likelihood the secret of life involves people fucking
The stupidest I’ve seen is Pornogothic. Basically, there’s these vampires, who own a nightclub, and they can only feed off of people after having sex with them. And one vampire can wear only pink dresses. But they’re all very goth, in as much that everyone wore black t-shirts and what not. This went on for hours.
This is one I didn’t expect to see bumped…
Probably because they talk out of their ass.
Anyway, this isn’t a plot, just a bad porn scene, and it happened in mid September of last year. Two girls are having lesbian sex in an office. Since I was 14, and in my bedroom late at night, I whip it out and start jacking off. Suddenly, the lesbian scene stops, and the movie cuts to a nice panoramic shot of the World Trade Center.
Well, another boner buried.
These are cracking me up!
Fill in the plots for yourselves with these:
A Clockwork Orgy
Schindler’s Fist
Position: Impossible
Night of the Giving Head
LC
A terrible thing to say. How about the classic zingers in Deep Throat like “do you mind if I smoke while you eat?” and Linda’s first encounter with Harry Reems after he tells her that her clitoris is in her throat:
LL: waaaaaaaa!
HR: Well that’s not so bad.
LL: Yeah, but what if your balls were in your ears?
HR: Well, I could hear myself coming.
Of course everyone knows that people don’t watch porn for the witty banter but for the sound track.
<plugs stratocaster into wah-wah pedal> BZZZZZZZT! <wonk-wonka-wakka-chika-wakka-chika>
Backside to the Future
A scientist has rabbit ear antenna’s on his car that enables him to go back in time. One day the wife takes the wrong car and goes back in time to the 60’s after a pathatic 80’s camcorder trick. She sees her young self and young self says “Do you wanna smoke some weeeeeed?” old self says yes and young self says “Grooovy”. Classic.
Suddenly, after the same 80’s camcorder trick, they are having sex in young selves room. Then she goes on to have sex with both her young father and young mother, which is made ok in the plot because she doesn’t know they are her parents. How can she not know? Cause she stupid, damn stupid. Meanwhile her husband comes to look for her by putting rabbitears on her car follows her into the 60s, and goes about having sex with young wwife and her young mother and then a bunch of other people. Then there is some orgy that happens in the living room with the whole cast and some new people. Sadly the plot is never resolved.
Good God, how could I have forgotten “Load Warrior”? In the desert-blasted post-apocalyptic future, semen is the most valuable substance in the world, due to radiation. Enter Peter North as the Mad Max character, with a truly superhuman capacity. Battles are waged over him, hilarity ensues.
She had sex with herself? “I’m gonna score with ME tonight!” (A line from an episode of MST3K)
A woman is sunbathing in the middle of the woods. A man in a boy scout uniform comes up. They do their thing. At the end, he says:
“Do I get a merit badge for this?”
The very first porn I ever watched was called Dr. Juice’s Lust Potion Dr. Juice had a youth serum that he made by drugging virgins and while they were unconscious he colleced their “juice” for his potion. (The side effect of his collecting from the girls is when they wake up, they have an uncontrollable desire to have sex.) He had a neverending supply of virgins because he owned a seedy little hotel and of course virgins hang out in seedy little hotels.
Virgin #1 was a newlywed. Her wedding dress was more like hooker wear but at least she was a newlywed so virgin is somewhat believable.
Virgin #2 was a - hooker? A virgin hooker, maybe it’s her first time. Nope, the guy she’s with is a regular customer. They discuss the new hotel they’re in. “It’s nicer than that other place !?!”
Virgins #3, #4 & #5 are all with a male counterpart taking a skinny dip in the hottub. Yep, three naked virgins just sitting around in the hot tub waiting for Dr. Juice.
I believe the next scene was a girl and two guys in the barn but I’m not sure how there is a barn in the hotel. Only one girl in the whole movie wasn’t a virgin - the one fully dressed in a schoolgirl uniform gets called a slut by Dr. Juice because she’s not a virgin.
Funny movie, really stupid, but funny. It’s the only porn I’ve ever seen that even had a plot though so, I guess it’s not too bad.
Kalashnikov said:
You seriously don’t know? It’s all about the anal sex. The feces references are just sideways refs to the issue.
Padeye, maybe comedy in porn works for you, but not for me. See, the reason I watch porn is to get off. If I want comedy (or drama, or adventure, or plot, or dialogue, or special effects, etc), then I watch real movies. I like my porn straighforward and dirty. So throwing in comedy destroys the mood. YMMV.