The lights go out in this subway car. Woman turns to man and goes “Would you like to hold my melons?” (note that she is actually holding melons.) She proceeds to rid of the melons somehow (I forget how) and pleasure him orally. The lights come back on. Woman regains composure and with an attempted (but unsuccesful) look of sensuality says, “gee, I hope those damn lights don’t go out again…”
I’m not sure which made me laugh harder…the provocative “would you like to hold my melons?” or the “Gee…I hope those damn lights don’t go out again.”
I normally have the volume way down so I can hear if the front door opens. I need about 8 seconds to do my patented “I was asleep not watching porno” routine, or in case it is on the computer, my “just checking out ESPN” routine.
Many years ago. Can’t remember the title of the film (like it matters). Man and woman engaged in doggy-style action.
Her line: “Fuck my pussy up the ass.”
I still get the giggles when I think about this one.
Another flick, not too many years ago. Two submissive women (one blonde chained to a wall and watching, one Asian with bound hands) and one dom guy. The exchange:
Guy: (spanks Asian woman a few times) “How does that feel?”
Asian woman: “It feels good.”
Guy: (spanks harder, in time to the words) “I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GOOD!”
Asian woman: [sub]“It hurts.”[/sub]
There are others, but I don’t want y’all getting the impression that I watch a lot of these things. It could be bad for my image.
It wasn’t an actual movie, but a commercial on Spice or one of those other soft porn channels. The scene shows a naked man from the waist up and you hear a slapping noise. The guy looks down and says “What are you doing.” Then it shows a woman on her knees and she says “I’m spanking your balls.” I just found it humorous that he couldn’t figure that out from her actions, but had to ask her…
Not that I watch porn films, but I have seen a few. There was one in the '80s called Nightdreams which was meant to be somewhat surreal as the action was taking place in a woman’s imagination. A couple of funny lines:
Twin lesbians while heroine is using dildoes on them (IIRC) and the soundtrack plays Wall of Voodoo’s version of Ring of Fire: “Ooh! Ah! We’re coming! We’re coming! Ooh! Ah!” This was funny because it was said totally without feeling, and in unison. Oh, and as the scene starts: “Would you look at the bush on her! I bet she’s real wet underneath! April showers bring May flowers! Heehehehehe!”
The Devil has a few interesting lines. Let me see if I can remember…
“Do you know what pain is? Pain is not having your own cable outlet so you can show your friends what life is all about.”
“Attention! A little exposure! That’s all I want! An hour on Sunday morning… right after the farm report. Where’s the harm in that?”
It’s not a line, but the scene where she blows the Cream of Wheat box while the radio plays Old Man River and the toast dances around playing a sax is pretty funny.
Please note that I am not a big fan of porno films. I don’t say this as a prude, but as a matter of fact. I don’t get any thrill out of watching other people DO stuff. I would no more watch a porn film than I would watch a sporting event.
Nevertheless, I finally HAD to watch one, to see what it was all about. The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann. I think they managed to work in just about every possible combination (involving women). In every scene, though, there was a fully-dressed, business-like, not-particularly sexy woman with a clipboard. She would ask the two people going at it some very involved question that they would then blow off with “Yes”, “No”, or “I Don’t Know”, after which the Clipboard Lady would leave. Fimally, at the end of the movie someone asks her “What are you DOING here?”
To which she replies, “Oh, I’m here to give the film Redeeming Social Value.”
I, like everyone else on this thread, of course deplore and hate porn films. :rolleyes:
Swedish doctor and nurse film. Doc is banging a nurse:
“Gee Nurse Wilson, you sure are a horny c***!”
Houston 500, guy on a bullhorn to the 500 men waiting in line:
“ATTENTION GENTLEMEN! DO NOT F*** THE FLUFF GIRLS!! THEY ARE FOR FLUFFING, NOT FOR F*****ING!!”
Ron West tells the following joke to his buddy:
"So, I’m standing in an elevator with this girl and I said, can I smell your pussy? She said “no”, so I said, oh it must be your feet!
Oh one more, in “Pretty as You Feel”, Tom Byron is this guy whose wife left him because he can’t get it up, so he goes to this sex clinic run by Ginger Lynn, where Tom just stands there watching people screwing, and keeps looking down forlorn at his shrivelled pee-pee.
While watching one scene, Ginger comes up to him and asks
“So, do you feel any blood rushing through your cock yet?”
A number of years ago I saw one called, I believe, Ski Bunny 7 or some other similar sequel. It was, obviously, set on a ski mountain.
One of the “plots” was an injured man – twisted knee. The sexy nurse comes into his chalet to inspect the damages, and he strips down to bikini underwear and hops up onto a counter.
Her: “Pretty big swelling there.”
Him: “Yeah, it hurts quite a bit.”
Her: “I wasn’t talking about your knee.”
Him: “Oh.”
So, Ed Powers (King of the World) has just nutted in this beautiful woman. He decides that it would be really hot to film his semen dribbling out of her poonie. She lays there, looking a bit uncomfortable, and then queefs loudly.
“Oh crap, Ed, you are not going to leave that in are you?”
The entire script of “Suitcase Pimps” is a parody of the adult movie industry, and specifically of the boyfriends and spouses that accompany porn actresses to the sets.
In one scene, Brandon Irons is portraying Tom Byron, directing and starring in a BGB that includes a starlet and her “suitcase pimp” husband
At one point, Irons kicks the woman’s own husband out of the bed, saying “I’m Tom Byron. I don’t work well with other men. Get out.”
And he leaves!
There was a bunch of other funny gags on that tape, but that’s the only one I remember that made me bust out laughing. (I guess you have to at least casually follow the industry to get this one, though…)
Many years ago, my husband and I watched a movie (the name of which is lost somewhere in a drunken haze).
Imagine, if you will, a man in a cowboy hat, boots, and nothing else…kneeling behind a woman who is on all fours.
Now, in your best George Bush imitation, read the man’s line…
Darlin, I’m gonna stick my dick in your butt.
To this day, my husband has only to whisper in my ear, “darlin…”, to reduce me to hysterical laughter, or hysterical screaming. Which, of course, depends on whether I think he is teasing, or making a real proposal.
It’s been a long time since I saw this tape, but there were several really funny outtakes.
In one, a guy is going down on an famous porn starlet (I forget her name). But she’s got this really bored and distanced look on her face like she’s doing her taxes in her head or something. Then on the audio you hear the director say “Can you at least look like you’re enjoying it, sweetheart?” And all of a sudden she launches into a very convincing moaning and writhing act that made the scene in When Harry Met Sally look completely fake.
And in the only other I can remember, an almost-pudgy blonde lady is having sex with a very well endowed black man, and when they decide to switch from a spooning position to doggy style, she kneels right on his schlong, causing him to cry out and double over in pain.
And, oh yeah, there was a montage several minutes long of people falling off of beds and furniture, either from losing their balance in precarious positions, or getting lost in the act and not paying attention to where “the edge” was. (I’ve done the latter myself!)
In one of the Hawaii Vice movies, two women are fingering each other, and one of them proceeds to slap the other’s vulva, to which she says “Punish my clitty. It’s been a bad clitty.”
I always wondered exactly what it did to be bad…staying out late? Not cleaning up the dirty dishes?
In another Kascha movie, Kascha and her guy are watching a porno. She says, in a voice that sounds like she’s reading from a teleprompter in a foreign language, “This video is getting me a little excited.” Clearly she’s not paid for her acting abilities.
BWAHAHAHA, I remember seeing that tape. That was the same LQ tape where he is banging some chick and stops during the middle to go flip his cassette o’ cheesy music in the boom box because it ended too soon.
The other lines I remember as making me laugh:
1). 70s movie with a blond sitting in the lap of a well endowed deaf mute - “Oh, fuck me dummy, yeah fuck me dummy!”
2). Ron Jeremy pulls out of a chick for a money shot. She is “giving him a hand” to put the deposit on her chest but because of her position keeps readjusting her grip or switching hands, until Ron just knocks her hands away and says “never mind, I’ll do it myself”
3). In a movie called “Dickman and Throbbin”, the 2 caped crusaders are scoring with a pair of women. As Throbbin enters his partner anally, he shouts “Holy Hemroids Dickman!”. I still use that line myself once in a while.
One Saturday morning laying on a friends couch with about 8 other people passed out or waking up . I heard a porno playing.All i remember hearing is a guys voice" Ay Chihuahua , super juicy… I’m gonna fuck you like a rabbit".