That’s right, Sun Chips. The enigmatically multigrained snack chip brought to us by the good people at Frito Lays. We had them for lunch today at school, and afterwards I was so upset that I couldn’t focus on the Spanish homework that I should have done last night.
I mean, what the Hell is wrong with the names on these things? First of all, you’ve got the brand name, “Sun Chips”. It’s not a “Potato Crisp” or a “Corn Chip,” it’s gotta be a “Sun Chip.” We won’t even mention that it is physically impossible to take a chip off of the burning ball of gas that is our sun, let alone an edible one. So what does the “Sun” prefix imply? That they were baked out in the sun? Hah. They’re as deep-fried as the greasiest burger at McDonalds, I highly doubt that they’re even baked in an oven. Pheh. “Sun Chips” my ever-lovin ass.
But they didn’t stop there. No, the touchy-feely Greenpeace corporate pawn who named the damn things had to be original with his brand names. He had to do something all flowing and friendly, to make people buy the damn things. So what did they give us?
Flavors. That’s what. Friggin’ flavors.
But not just any flavors. No, we get flavors like “Harvest Cheddar.” Because everybody knows that cheddar cheese doesn’t come from milk. No, it comes from the Great Cheese Plains of Wisconsin, where simple farm hands drive cheese-grater tractor attatchments over the untamed, creamy fields, and spend their days in front of the ol’ Barber Shop, discussing whether the String Cheese crop will come in as big this year, and how this is perfect Gorgonzola weather. I would love to see this utopian society where nacho cheese flows like water from the fountain in the center of town before I die. Just once, I would like to lay my eyes on it.
Next we have the ever popular “Ranch,” which takes us down to Texas, where we find the Cheez-E Corrall. Whoo-EE! Round em’ up, Hoss! These chips need to be herded to the nearest Frito Lays factory but QUICK! Watch out for dairy rustlers on your way! Yee-HAW! I know this flavor is not exclusive to Sun Chips, but it makes me sad just the same.
And finally, we find “Original” flavored Sun Chips, which bring us back to the original question. What the Hell is the ORIGINAL flavor of a “Sun Chip”? “Sun”? A Sun flavored chip? I’m confused. I don’t understand. Frito Lays, in my opinion, has some 'splainin to do.
Don’t mind me, just trying to vent, and take the edge off of what has been a very rough week with some very random ranting. Also, this seemed just a tad too lightweight for the Pit.
