Super-Pooper

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay. I’ve been married for about 2 1/2 years, but my wife and I dated off and on for a while, and we first cohabitated about 6 years ago. But I was not aware until last year that she ever pooped. EVER. Never saw any indication that she ever needed to. Now I was reasonably sure that she had all the neccessary parts. And I knew she ate everday. I even had a vague notion that if something goes in, it has to come out. But I never really gave it much thought. Years went by and she never pooped. Now, her weight has fluctuated some but surely she would have ballooned up if she truly never pooped right?

Having been married a little while, we’ve become a little more open about bodily functions, and she will now even tell me before she goes. Here’s the rub though: She tells me, gets up off the couch, leaves the room and is back in 45 seconds…

What!??

It takes me longer than that to find the prerequisite reading material.

“Did you go?”
“Yes…”
“Did you wash?”
“OF COURSE!”
“How did you get back so quick?”
“What do you mean?”
“You were gone less than a minute!”
“So? How long is it supposed to take?”
“I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t rush it. You might blow an O ring or something.”
“It doesn’t take that long. If you you have to go you have to go.”

Now, I’m of a different mind set. When I lived with my last roommate, I used to annouce that I needed to go “have a religious experience.” (reference to The Fisher King) Or maybe just tell him I was going to go read the Bible. “I’m on Genesis dammit, come back after the creation!”

For the most part I tend to be somewhat reserved about that bodily funtion. I don’t like to shit outside my house. I don’t EVER shit at work, and the only times I have used public facilities for that purpose have been true emergencies. It was that or shit my pants. But oddly, most guys I know are very open and comfortable with it. At most of the places I’ve worked guys would grab a magazine, wave, and say I’m gonna go take a shit… cover me."

Note the magazine. Most guys I know like to take reading material. Sports-section, magazine, book of humor, whatever. But the implication is they will be gone a while. It’s something you should take your time with. Sit back. Relax. Enjoy yourself. I personally find that a “Rant” from a Dennis Miller book is about the perfect length for a decent bathroom session. This is a process that shouldn’t be rushed or forced. Let it come. Then wait a while. Relax. Finish the page. See if there’s anymore “business” to complete.
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My wife doesn’t see it that way. She spends more time washing than she does pooping. In fact just today, I was pretty sure she actually came out of the bathroom BEFORE she went in. She doen’t just “have it down to a science.” Its a goddam super power. There’s something wrong with that.

2

If you eat enough fiber, in my experience at least it shouldn’t be a long, drawn-out process, nor should it require any force to see fast results. I’m a vegetarian, and once or twice a day, I feel a real need to deal with that process. I go into the bathroom, sit down, and events start right away.

Also notable is whether or not you wait until you need to go. I don’t decide I have some time to kill, grab a magazine, and spend a while camped out; I wait until my body’s telling me it’s got solid stuff to get rid of.

3

Speed shitting goes back to caveman times. When you had to evade a predator quickly. Sometimes the presence of the predator was enough to inspire a speed-shit response.

4

I’m wondering if it’s a male-female thing. All the guys I know seem to be in the “take reading material” camp (except my own dear spouse, who takes a phone!). All the women I know don’t have time to even find a magazine article to read before it’s time to wash up.

I attribute it to the fact that most guys I know don’t eat very much in the way of fruits & vegetables (and no, french fries don’t count). Most women seem to be better at getting roughage in their diets.

5

That’s pretty scary when you think about it because it means her loaf is sitting right there on edge, a clear and present danger, ready to come flyin’ out as soon as the evil oven door pops open.

Let me guess, you’re probably the one who purchased the safety deposit box for the family, right, while she prefers to use the ATM?

6

Your spouse sounds like she’s unloading in the optimal physiological manner.

I would wager that you too could become a member of the efficient stoolers club if you raised your dietary fiber significantly.

And I don’t understand why lieu fears having stool in the biologic location where one would want it.

7

I’m a bathroom relaxer. I take a book (or lately, my MP3 player with audio books) and give it a good 10 minutes. Not too long, I read silentbobspeaks.com. Anal fissure. Bleargh.

I’m also an IBS sufferer, so when I have an attack, I might need to poo three or four times in 20 minutes. So, I just stay in there, you know? Read a book, feel like dying. All in a day’s work.

8

I feel so lucky. My wife is a bathroom reader, just like me. Of course, she reads a joke from Reader’s Digest and is through, while I usually get a chapter of Moby Dick finished by the time I am. It’s definately a male thing. We make it an expidition. I was once caught unprepared (sans reading material) by the actions of a lunchroom burrito and was forced to read the contents of my wallet whilst I waited for things to settle down! :smiley:

9

I’m thinking this is a male thing. I’m a woman and could probably make the Olympic Speed Elimination team - it’s the fussing with the clothes and the washing up that takes up all the time.

Not to hijack or anything, but this is starting to make me wonder why it is that all the long lines are at the Women’s room?

10

When I’m at home, I make it a little event. I light incense, read a magazine article or two, maybe even play some music on the radio. It’s not because I’m waiting to move the mail, either. I’m a mom. It’s my “me” time.

When I’m at work, I’m not even in there long enough to warm up the seat.

11

I’m pretty sure my wife would also pass the qualifying rounds, but you’re gonna need at least a couple more team mates if your going to approach the Olympic Committee with this proposal. I wonder if this would be a winter or summer event?

12

I like the way Bill Bryson put it " A woman of my close aquiatance and I reguarly have conversations that go like this:" Are you in there reading?" “No!” (of course I was dear until you interupped me) “Yes, you are. I can hear you turning the pages! You’ve been in there for three quarters of an hour just READING!” " Please don’t tell me you’re trying to peek through the keyhole at your husband having a bowel movement" (meanwhile I’m thinking " Did this really just happen or did I run into some sort of Dada exhibition?)
I enjoy reading on the pot…

13

“Reading” is the euphemism my wife and I use for my time in there. I get up off the couch and she asks:

“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to go read.”
…pause…
"Are you going to go read, or are you going to go read ?

I hate being bothered while in there. She’s picked up on this and finds it amusing. Now we have little conversations through the door which I find uncomfortable.

“What are you doin’ in there?”
“Reading.”
“Whatcha readin’ ?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you poopin’ ?”
“No.”
“Then why don’t you open the door?”
“Go away.”

14

The title of this thread has given me the ABBA Earworm From Hell. Curse you, Shai’tan!

(And it isn’t the fault of us fast-poopers if you slow people don’t eat your bran flakes…)

15

Dammit,** flodnak**! If I’d had a drink in here, you’d owe me a new monitor and keyboard! As it is, you get to pay for the medical expenses I’ll incur undergoing earworm removal! :smiley:

16

Not difficult to figure out - it’s the peeing that takes longer. Men have, ahem, quicker & easier access. They don’t have to find a place to put their purse, lay down paper on the seat, halfway-remove all of their lower garments, being careful to not let anything drag on the floor or touch the facilities, sit down, wipe, redress themselves, etc. And I’m guessing that you can fit a few more of those urinals in the same amount of space as our stalls. Finally, since men are statistically less likely to wash their hands afterward, while women are statistically more likely to hog mirror space to freshen their lipstick, check out their hair, etc,…

17

It doesn’t matter how much fiber I eat. I’m a once-every 3/4 days person. Sometimes ocne a week.

When I do go, though: :eek:

18

Here’s a formula for you:
Nintendo DS + Advance Wars = hours of bathroom satisfaction! :smiley:

Thank heaven we have a half-bath in the apartment, otherwise I’d be convinced my wife gave me the worst birthday gift ever.

19

Yeah, I have know an awful lot of men who make this into a day-long Olympics event.

But, I’m one of those who just does not get, and has never gotten, it.

I love to read just as much as the next guy. But I find my La-Z-Boy is a far more comfortable “throne” for doing this that any toilet seat.

When I need to go, I just go in there and get 'er done. And, like the OP says, I probably take more time washing my hands than I take actually defecating.

Maybe I’m just weird.

I’m a better cook than my wife, too. Yep, definitely weird.

20

I am a female and I read on the can. I only fall in the super pooper catergory if I have a lot of milk.
I have actually read an entire book (think Stephen King length) in one sitting. My legs and crotch have fallen asleep - though this is why I have finished reading a book. It’s damn uncomfortable getting up when you can’t feel your nether-regions.