I want to start my own planet. Where every man is an island. (and every woman is driftwood. You dig?)
Here’s how I see it. She just ended a relationship, she wants to “play the field” for a little while before she settles down into another one. The type of guys she wants to mess around with for short flings and sexual gratification are not the same type of guys she wants to have a long term relationship with. You may very well happen to fall into the latter category. Now when she’s had her fill of messing around and is looking for a real relationship again, it could very well be with you (provided that you have remained friends with her and not annoyed her with vibes of “why are you messing around with these guys and not me??”), it could be with someone else. There’s no way of knowing. Just the way it is.
I’ve never made that call straight away. It’s always had to grow on me. Sure, I know straight away if someone’s hot, but that doesn’t mean I decide that I personally actually want to shag him; it just means that, in the abstract, he’s hot. As I get to know him, I gradually find out whether that general hotness is attached to a person I personally want to sleep with. Just about every guy I’ve ever hooked up with, including my husband, we’ve been friends first - for times varying from months to years - and I found him more and more attractive as I got to know him, because he was interesting, smart, kind, funny, had integrity, all the good stuff. Some of them I found attractive when we first met; others I didn’t - it only grew on me as I got to know them.
It works the other way, too. I showed up for my first day of college to find a male model in my class, and holy shit he was gorgeous, but by the end of the first week we had all discovered that he was boring and a wanker, and he wasn’t attractive any more. I didn’t even notice the gorgeousness.
I think it depends on to what degree, for you, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are linked. That varies enormously from person to person. If they’re closely intertwined, then you genuinely can’t make the call on whether you want to sleep with someone until you’ve found out whether you like him and are attracted to him as a human being. If they’re not, then you can make the call much more quickly.
Judging by my conversations with friends (both male and female) you’re not an outlier, but neither am I. There’s just a broad spectrum - for both sexes - when it comes to how closely linked physical and emotional imtimacy are.
Try being a man and understanding women. Some of us , in particular the more techy types (with exceptions), REALLY struggle with understanding women. It’s a knack like any other.
It works way better if you try pretending women are actual people.
I mean, of course trying to understand ‘women’ is going to be a struggle, because there’s no such thing as ‘women’. Which woman did you have in mind? Claudia Schiffer? Hillary Clinton? Your mom? A Ghanaian villager? Do you really think they’re all basically the same person? Or do you get that they’re individuals who may have a lot, a little or absolutely nothing in common?
Just focus on the individual person. When you talk to a guy, you’re not focused on ‘understanding men’, right? You’re just talking to this specific individual? Try that with all people.
Hey thanks for responding! I think we’re mostly on the same page. Not sure I did such a hot job of making my point the first go 'round.
When I meet a woman, I know immediately whether I’m attracted to her or not. That’s what I meant when I was saying I decide if I would. Would is different than will. It’s like you made it to the interview, but now you need to land the job. Some people will never get the interview. There’s simply nothing there. In my company, it’s HIGHLY unlikely that you work your way up to the interview for COO by starting with a job in the mailroom. I figured that was the case for everyone, but maybe I’m wrong.
That’s probably it with my super awesome analogies for the day.
Dude, I’m trying to be constructive here so please don’t take it any other way. It would help you tremendously if you let go of the notion that women (the entire group) are a problem that needs figuring out. Take each one as an individual and go from there. Try to find what you have in common, and then make an effort to learn the differences.
I know women are people. So what? That doesn’t give me any special insight into what, in any given moment, is happening inside the mind of a specific woman. Men are, on average, far simpler creatures. That’s pretty universally agreed-upon. Even women often fail to correctly guess what other women are thinking/feeling at a given moment. That’s much less true when observing men.
Start with a man, and take away reason and accountability! 
Oh, for fuck’s sake. No it isn’t.
The ‘nasty words’ were hyperbole (by me, with no implication that you had said them) to highlight that the OP wasn’t trying to impose on the woman’s freewill to choose a lover/spouse/date.
That being said: Your putting the ‘friendzoned’ thing into the context that you did had you putting an alien interpretation on the term. No male that I can think of has EVER used the construction that you implied.
**Don’t want to be insulting…I hereby dial back, and apologize. ** You have done me no wrong, and I most definitely mean/meant no offense to you. :o
Given the lengths to which this thread blew up beyond my expectations, I’m gonna give an update:
Mostly because of advice I was given from a few different people IRL, I initially continued to keep conversing with her, dropping subtle hints of interest, and so on under the notion that maybe this might end up going somewhere if I gave her enough time. And before anybody accuses me of being a sex-obsessed weirdo, know that I’m not making physical passes at her, saying lewd or suggestive things about her body, or forcing myself on her. That charge from some of the posters ITT really bothered me because - for Christ’s sake - that isn’t who I am and it’s not the situation I described in the OP.
Well, the other day I offered to take her to lunch on campus; she agreed, walked down to the eatery with me, then (randomly) told me she had to leave. No reason, no explanation, just…well, whatever.
So here’s where the situation is now: she still always comes to hang out with me 10-20 minutes before class, where basically we just shoot the shit. I know, definitively now, that it isn’t going anywhere, so I’m no longer calling or texting her (nor has she done those things to me lately either); but, and this is a big one, I’m still being friendly with her even though I’d hesitate to call what we have a friendship. I enjoy talking with her, and we DO share a class together so it isn’t as if one of us can just ignore each other altogether. Still, yeah, I’m moving on in spite of the fact that all of our interactions ARE difficult for me because I’m attracted to her.
So sue me.
This woman will never love you. The best you could get is her consent to be loved by you.
Please don’t take offense, but will you consider the nature of your attraction to that?
At least you don’t have to worry about being in the friend zone. That’s a really assholish way for a friend to treat you.
You should find a more constructive use for that 10-20 minutes before class.
This all seems fine and appropriate to me. Carry on. I approve of your behavior. 
Yes, and I agree. I also think the OP has taken a step in a good direction than trying to wait out the relationship and allow himself to be strung along. The thing is, as the OP matures he will be able to recognize the signs early on if he should pursue a relationship with someone or not. Sadly some people don’t ever seem to grasp this and force themselves into one unsuitable relationships after another. I stand by what I initially posted is that her response to the OP asking her out on a date, right then and there is a strong indicator of the kind of person she really is. The most attractive woman in the world after treating you terribly all the sudden looks extremely ugly.
As for those that make it sound like the OP was a “player” and simply trying to notch his bedpost, I think those people need to examine their own lives instead of projecting their problems on to the OP. All he described was entirely proper and above board, and natural how successful long-term relationships develop. It has been my experience that those who are quick to mock someone pursuing a relationship is because they never had one themselves for a variety of issues they are constantly struggling with. They tend to see someone who wants to make a connection with them, as a a hidden agenda to a twisted sense of manipulation.
I think the OP handled this correctly now and is moving on. His attraction towards her will subside as time goes by, and will quickly forget what’s-her-name when the real thing comes along.
FWIW I think you’re doing the right thing and have every right to distance yourself. As they say, the ball’s in her court. If she is going through some stuff due to her recent breakup, giving her space protects you and gives her time to figure things out.
You put it well- you can certainly be friendly without being friends at this point.
Good progress, but it seems like you still need a bit more space to actually see her as just a friend. I think it’s fine to chat before class, but I would recommend not initiating anything with her–including things like lunch. I would further recommend not really doing anything with her other than when your paths happen to cross, like at class. So chatting in class is fine, but if she asks you to lunch, I think you should politely say you have other plans.
Right now I don’t get the sense that she’s treating you like an actual friend. It seems like you’re more her backup when she doesn’t have anyone else. Leaving at lunch is a good example. I have a feeling that if there was another friend in that class she might not talk with you unless that friend wasn’t there.
Since you still have those affection feelings going on, I think you should step farther back until you can actually view her as just a friend and not a romantic possibility. So until you can think of her as just ‘one of the guys’, treat her just as an acquaintance rather than a friend.