Teen of Abusive Father

Factual Questions
1

This may be thought of as a topic for debate, as I’m sure there will be many opinions on the subject so if it should be moved so be it. But what I am really looking for is factual guidance on where I can go to get help for this situation, though all advice is welcome.

My brother has progressively gotten out of control. Here’s a little background information: His father was both a verbal and physical abuser while he was married to my mom (I have a different father). She finally got herself out of the situation before any of us were seriously injured, but she endured years of abuse. At the time she left, my brother was about three years old. Unfortunately back then custody battles were very difficult and he was granted joint custody. During this time my brother was left alone many times while in his fathers care. His father was using drugs and was too incapicated to care for him, but still fought for his custody rights. Eventually he got so caught up in his web of drugs and theft that he began his life of running from the cops, and he was finally out of all of our lives for good.

Although he is out of our lives now, my brother still carries a piece of him. Not only has this affected him tremendously in how he deals with things, but he has also started down the abusive path. He has become increasingly abusive to my mom, and now even to me and his girlfriend. He knows he has a problem and even scares himself, but refuses to allow anyone to help him. The subject of seeing a psychologist is out of the question to him. When he loses control it is an obvious change in his demeanor. He becomes another person and has pushed my mom, and verbally abuses her at least weekly. Now it is at a point where any small occurrence will set him off into a rage. He has come at me even when we used to be so close at one time, and i used to be his confidant. Now he sees me as someone trying to force him to go to get help he doesn’t want.

It is so difficult watching him turn into his abusive father. I know he doesn’t want to follow this path. He has so many positive things going for him in his life, but continuing along this road will negate all the positives he has accomplished. My mom refuses to force him to get help, and I understand her reasonings, but things have gotten much worse over the past year, and I only see that pattern continuing. She’s afraid of him, but is so ridden with guilt at the very thought of forcing him to get help. I live with the two of them right now and am dealing with this on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s got to be some place to go for help in these situations. I tried searches online, but must not be putting in the right topics because nothing I found seems to deal with abusive teenagers.

If anyone has any advice on where I can go please let me know. I’m moving out in two months and am going to be on the other side of the country. I fear getting a phone call saying that my mom is in the hospital because of my brother, or that he has hurt himself because of all of this.
**Also, I am trusting that anyone who personally knows me and reads this will not tell anyone under any circumstances about what you have read in this post. Please understand why this is so important to keep highly confidential.

2

I don’t really have much advise but I could have written the op. I have 2 half brothers from my mom’s abusive exhusband. My oldest brother rejected his father at a young age. He went through a drug induced wild period in his late teens and early twenties. He somehow managed to stay out of jail, met his current wife and has since settled down to a normal healthy life style. My other half brother held on to hope that his father would change which of course he never did. He held this until his father died 2 years ago. Over the years he has slowly morphed into his father. His 2 sons are scared to death of him and have petitioned the courts to live with their mother. He is unable to hold onto any kind of relationship. I live in the same small town as he does. He has no friends. The ones he makes he runs off fairly quickly with his temper. I tried for years to get him some help. He has refused and now holds it against me that I suggested professional help. It is really sad but you can’t force someone to get help if they don’t want it. I keep thinking he will see that he can’t handle it on his own and will seek help. He’s 44 and still hasn’t even though he has lost most of his family and all of his friends.

Maybe your mom has to report the abuse and help could be part of his sentence. Part of my brothers problem is that no one ever reported his abuse and always made excuses for him.

3

You could call, or better visit, offices such as your Public Health Department, Family Court offices, or school counselor’s office. If the professional you talk to is not the right one, he/she will be able to point you to the one who is.

I’d say bring your OP printout with you; it is very clear and organized.

Professionals have been there before and can be very practical. I wish you and your family the best.

4

I’m afraid to say this but it seems the only way to compell him to seek the professional help he needs is for him to hit bottom.

I mean rock bottom…if you make it clear that his destructive, abusive actions will make you take legal actions removing him from the lives of his loved ones, via restraining orders, domestic abuse arrests, even psychiatric observation.

He has to get it through his head that a little psychological repair and maintainence is better than losing EVERYTHING he values.

My condolances for your family’s situation.

(((OhFace)))