Teenage girl, IRL meeting with internet "love".

In My Humble Opinion
201

The fact that she has fallen in “love” with someone that she’s never met face to face(He might smell,dribble,have bad breath, fart a lot) and “can’t” wait even for two weeks to meet him means that no she isn’t mature and no she isn’t really an adult yet.

I’d go with her to check out his parents and situation,the mother could be an alcoholic,heroin addict,sexually promiscuous who has an "Anything goes "policy as far as her kid is concerned.
She doesn’t sound incredibly competent as a parent in allowing someone elses young daughter to travel to a strange town on her own to visit what are really almost complete strangers.

If his parent does actually have any sense of responsibility then she will be relieved that an adult does the sensible thing bymeeting her.

And what happens to the girl if she and the boy have a blistering row soon after arriving there and end up on none speaking terms?

Does she salve her pride by not telling her parents and spend the rest of the stay in miserable solitude?

Do her parents have to rescue her ?

Or does she "become more agreeable "to the boy so that he’ll be nicer to her?

I think that its a very,very bad idea all round.

202

There is no excuse for not taking the two minutes to let people at home know you’ve arrived safely. She might not be sulking, but I’d still bet it has as much to do with “independence” than it does with simply forgetting. Her grandfather can ask her when she comes back. Whatever it is, getting so wrapped up in the activity of the moment that you forget the simple courtesy is very immature and she needs to know that. She hasn’t figured out yet that asking her to call on arrival isn’t a matter of control, it’s a matter of caring about her and her safety.

203

Would have been fun to recruit Dopers in the distant city to meet the kid stepping off the plane. “I’m a friend of your grandpa…”

204

That probably would have increased the danger level by an order or magnitude, at least. :wink:

205

I think this is beautiful. And once again, I thank Providence that there was no Internet or cell phones when I was a teenager. :smiley:

206

So what’s the update on the young lady and her perfect match?

207

She returned home Saturday, apparently none the worse for the wear. I got home yesterday. The boy is expected to arrive here tomorrow for a ten-day stay.

She (they) are planning for her to move up there in September. Then they’ll get an apartment, get jobs at McDonald’s and both go to the community college in their spare time. :rolleyes: He has no car, she will have one only if I give her the car that she’s currently driving.

I have other granddaughters, one 15 and one 14. Both are better prepared for some bullshit like this than the 17 year old is. Those two younger ones seem to be too level-headed to get caught up in a Flight of Fantasy that has no basis in reality.
This one can’t cook, doesn’t know how to operate a washing machine or vacuum cleaner and I had to close her checking account because she wouldn’t keep a running balance, thus constantly incurring overdraft fees. In her favor, she’s very beautiful and can ride the hell out of a mean horse. Those things contribute little to a lasting relationship.

I don’t know if anything will change in a month or not. I’ll give her that '96 car and pay three months insurance on it. I won’t be converting her room into a workshop any time soon either, she’ll probably be wanting it back before Christmas. :sigh:

208

:smack: If this wouldn’t be a bad enough idea normally, I doubt McDonald’s even has available jobs these days…

209

Ye Gods.

So, the trip sounds like it turned out fine (which is really what I expected, despite her lack of efforts to minimize risk). But moving in with a boy she’s only met once and getting jobs at mcdonalds? Sigh…

Maybe you can convince her that she’s a lesbian?

210

Nice idea, but about two years ago one of her high school friends tried this approach. Meghan couldn’t get the job done and she’s a whole lot better equipped to be persuasive in that area than I am…

211

Internet meetups can be weird, though I’ve only done it with hetero friends.

Driving out to St. Louis with my family to meet one of my best friends at the time when I was 15 accounts for one of the worst days of my life.

Dont know if I could do that with a female unless we’ve been talking for years and had no secrets already. I find talking to females strange and awkward enough, without the added awkwardness of meeting for realsies after already meeting online.

212

What do the young woman’s parents think of the whole biz?

You didn’t ask for advice here on his visit but FWIW: I wouldn’t make any promises about the car or anything else until you’ve met him.

Supposing she moves and shortly thereafter this all goes to hell, I wonder how helpful the young man’s family would be. Some ppl in your position would think, ‘Oh praise Jeebus, someone else can clean up this girl’s messes now!’

It’s a lot of work for little pay in any case. The worst of jobs like that is that they skirt the benefits issue by hiring very few people full time.

An EXCELLENT video to watch/discuss with her and her beau:

Episode 1, “Minimum Wage.” Morgan Spurlock and his fiancee (now his wife) try to live on minimum wage for 30 days. You buy the episode for $2, dload directly to your computer.

After, if she still doesn’t get it, you can do some “math therapy” with them. McD’s, 20 hours pay =$170 x 2=$340 per week. After taxes…subtract out the apt rent, car insurance, groceries, utilities, cable, internet…etc. Uh, how much is tuition, books, supplies at community college?

213

How is she at changing diapers?

I would convert the room now and explain that it will never be used as a nursery. You have worked hard and earned retirement. She needs a 55 gallon dose of reality. Not just for her but as an example of what to expect for the 2 younger ones. The milisecond they get the “I’m an Adult” idea in their head you’ll be posting here again.

Sorry to sound like a hard-ass but giving her a car makes you an enabler. You are absolutely financing this venture. Under no circumstances would my parents have done this and any thoughts down this line were met with a lecture that I owned the car (which I bought), some bedroom furniture and all the taxes, maintenance, and insurance that go with living on my own. There would be no co-insurance rates on the car, I would be on my own.

McDonalds :rolleyes: She’ll be sick of french fries in a month.

214

DO NOT give her the car. You will not be helping her, you will be financially supporting her piss poor decision making. I am also inclined to believe that if she has to go it alone with no money and no car to start out she will be a lot less likely to go that route in the first place. If you want to pay for something offer to pay for her birth control (if only to prevent her from trying to move back with a baby next year when she realizes she doesn’t love him after all) but nothing else. If she wants to be an adult let her be an adult with all the consequences that come with that.

215

This summer my kid applied at every fast food restaurant for miles around here, offering total availability, and still has no job. So…yep.

We’re all interested to hear what you think after meeting Romeo, John!

216

My original post last time (pre-editing) went so far as to say “Don’t give her the car.” I edited that out, backburnered it in my brain.

I don’t think you should give her the car either; I can’t disallow some extraordinary circumstances that might make me change my mind, but I’m 99.9% in that camp. However, I don’t think you should say that until and unless it’s necessary. I.e. appeal to reason and hopefully she’ll see the light…then you won’t have to go on record and refuse.

IMO it’s a tricky line to walk. There’s no point in alienating her if you don’t have to because then maybe she’ll stop telling you important things to avoid “I told you so” and that sort of thing. In refusing to give her the car, upfront, I think you’d risk creating a scenario for that.

I’d be prepared for a lot of “But you just don’t understand…we’re in love!” kinds of arguments from her. Again, back to the “a rational adult would…”

*court for a long period of time. You don’t need to see him at his best; you need to see him at his worst. Then you’ll know whether you can tolerate him or not in the long run.

*secure gainful employment in case she has to go it alone.

*realize she’s leaving all her friends and family, betting EVERYTHING on someone she barely knows.

*have seen that many of her decisions up to this point (e.g. not calling home as promised) were not good ones.

*Etc.

I don’t know either where this quantum leap came from—that naturally she’ll move there instead of him moving to her area. Like I said, some would (perhaps coldly) be glad to have the problems she creates far away. OTOH if she does find herself in a big jam—e.g. pregnant, jobless—it might be much easier to deal from nearby. Ultimately most of the major damage is probably coming back to your family. It just looks like all upside from the guy’s POV.

Uh, why aren’t they living at his folks’ place? I mean, if you (John) really thought this were a good idea I imagine your family would know that it’s hard to make it and eliminating rent would be a big plus, so you’d recommend they stay with family while they get on their feet. Perhaps they’re pushing him out?

217

Ideally, what is she supposed to do at this point in her life? If she’s talking about moving in with some guy to go to a community college, does that mean that she’s not been accepted into any universities? Did she plan to live with her parents while all of her friends went to college? Did she plan to live with you? When would it be acceptable for her to move out and start her own life, potentially making her own mistakes along the way? 21? 25? 30?

218

lobotomyboy63 has a number of good points. At the very least she should demonstrate some sort of ability to put together a budget before she goes up there.

I wonder if you could sell her the car? I don’t think it would be so bad to sell her the car at a somewhat cheaper price than she could get one elsewhere, and perhaps with much more generous financing… but a) she (or he) has to come up with some sort of down payment before they get the car, and b) you have to be convinced, perhaps by the aforementioned budget, that on minimum wage it will be at least within the realm of possibility for them to pay you back.

Your previous posts have said that the boy already has a job; is that a temporary one?

219

nm

220

The young woman in question is either 18 or on the cusp of it by now and can do whatever she wants, making her own mistakes without anyone’s approval.

If she had a trust fund or something and could afford it, she wouldn’t need any financial help to pursue what she wants. A lot of parents (like mine) might back paying for something like college tuition, seeing it as a wise investment in the future. Is this hurried decision—to join a young man she barely knows—far away likely to make her happy in the long run?

Maybe I’m reading between the lines too much but my antennae think you mean this discussion has something to do with controlling her. If this were a stock market, I’d bet my money on “college tuition” before I bet on “Facebook infatuation.”

I think the decision to help or not might be a lot different under other scenarios.

  1. If these two had dated through high school.

  2. If the young woman had met him while they were attending college and they dated seriously.

  3. If the young woman had saved up the money she made from the good job she used to have and/or maybe already had her own car.

  4. If the young man has a lot going for him and, after the OP meets him, seems to have it on the ball, genuinely cares about her, etc.

Right now, it reads to me like some hormone-addled teenagers giddy with their new adulthood. I’ve been around the block and know that the initial phase of attraction can wear off in a few months. It may stay; it may not.

What would you do if she were your daughter, pepperlandgirl?