Teenage girl, IRL meeting with internet "love".

In My Humble Opinion
221

Wow, what a bunch of points to address. Here goes:

What do her parents think? They are separated, but not legally. Mom moved out 3 years ago. Two younger kids bounce back and forth every few weeks, except for the 17 year old in question. She’s either at her mom’s or here, Mom being generally more permissive than Dad.
At the moment, Dad is playing ostrich, wishing all this would magically go away. Mom vacillates from saying she doesn’t care to putting the girl under house arrest. She’s bonkers!

Nice links, lobotomyboy63. Thanks, I’ll make them watch.

The boy arrived today, but I’ve yet to meet him. He was initially supposed to stay at her mom’s apartment, but Duh Mom changed her mind with one hour’s notice, so some friends of the girl are putting him up.

Concerning the ’96 model car, I bought it for her to use when she turned 16 and she’s had it ever since. To her credit, there have been no tickets or other un-seemly events that I, the police or the insurance company are aware of. Somehow, I don’t feel that taking it back would be the right thing to do.

The plan was for her to go to a community college about an hour away from here. They have dorms there and she was going to be a boarder. I had hoped she’d learn a few basic life skills that way. She’s been a solid C student with no interest in doing better. I sometimes think she can’t grasp the concept that an education is the road to the things she says she wants in life. Believe me, I’ve tried!
Me: “You want horses? I have horses. I have a college education. Your parents couldn’t possibly afford to keep horses. They can’t afford tires for their cars. They don’t have a college education. Can you see the difference?” She: “Um yeah, I want to go to college. Oops, there goes my cell phone, can we talk later?”

The boy’s job? They use a different term for it, but we’d know him as a car washer. He walks to work since he has no car. His step dad has promised to help him buy one if he holds this job through the summer.

They are planning to live up there because his folks helped them look for an apartment. This I can’t grasp. What adult in his/her right mind would go along with apartment hunting for a couple of kids (he’s 18) that have known each other for six days?
I know, I myself will be aiding and abetting if I let her keep the car but somehow that seems different.

I’m scheduled to meet this boy tomorrow or the next day. Maybe I’ll understand more then. Probably I’ll demand that they both turn the goddam cell phones off and we’ll have a lil’ chat.

My wife (a retired nurse) went out and bought some books for her about birth control and safe sex practices. She wouldn’t even look at them because “I know all that stuff. They taught it in school”. I had hoped to take/send her to a Planned Parenthood office, but I don’t know if she’ll go or not. I mean, she already knows it all, right?

I suppose that when a stranger is reading this, it sounds like some Tobacco Road red neck shit from the 1940’s. Wait a minute, maybe that’s what it is, just moved to 2009!

Thanks for all the input, Dopers! I’ll update this thread as soon as I learn more.

222

I’d wish her luck. I got married when I was 18 (ten days after I graduated HS, actually) and moved about 350 miles away from my family to southern California. It was, in hindsight, the most horrifying and terrifying experience of my life. I would never do it again, but it sure taught me a lot about the world. I had no expectation that my family would ever lift a finger to help me, and they never did. I was 18, a legal adult, and I was going to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do.

Now, because of my experiences, I wouldn’t try to stop my imaginary daughter. I probably would give her a car, if I had one to give, and I’d provide whatever support I could. My sister is living with me now. She’s not much older than the OP’s granddaughter. I support her and basically take care of her, because nobody ever cared enough about me to even offer. I could use various means to try to control her and keep her out of trouble, but I don’t. She’s got to learn, one way or the other. I’ll be here to help her pick up the pieces, and I always will be, but I’m not going to stop her when I see she’s heading for a fall.

223

Sorry to hear your family wasn’t more supportive. My recollection of being 18 is basically being scared shitless that I had to find a job or something to do for the rest of my life, but it was a given that my folks would help me out. My other recollection is that they were usually right…if it seemed like a bad idea to them, it often turned out to be just that (don’t tell anybody I said that, ok?).

It sounds like the OP’s granddaughter’s situation is a little different (having to be rescued from time to time, for instance). But, if the goal is to remember to put gas in the car, walking to the station with a gas can (in the freezing cold or in the rain or under a scorching sun) can be an excellent teacher. Some lessons are dearly bought, but at least they’re not soon forgotten. In the case of your sister, pepperlandgirl, at least you can be nearby if she takes a fall, as you put it.

Maybe the best anybody can hope for is to make an informed decision. If the OP has her ear, at least she can have an inkling of what she’s getting into. If it doesn’t faze her, maybe you’re right, pepperlandgirl…it’s not like they have legal recourse to stop her in any case. Wish her well, hope for the best, help her out (within reason) and don’t lose sight of the long run…you can’t indulge yourself in any “I told you so” down the line, OP.

224

I wonder how much of this is just culture shock on the part of the dope. There are plenty of places in the country where people move in with their SO at 18, get married, and pop out their first kid by 20. Based on that life model, this almost makes sense.

of course, this life path tends to not involve 4 year college (at least not at a young age). But less than a 30% of people get their BA by 25 and I think the lifetime % is only in the mid 30s.

To make a overgeneralization, they would probably be headed for either “working class” or “working poor” even if things worked out, probably the latter given all you’ve said.

Now any child of mine is going to be brainwashed into going to college at 18 (worked for my parents; it never occurred to me not to go) but, in a purely statistical sense, that isn’t the only “normal” path. I have friends who have grown up with different expectations and I’m not sure that they would blink at this.

225

How is the part I bolded in your example any different or less creepy then John Carter’s granddaughter traveling with her family to meet the boy, even if it is Grandpa?

It seems to me, when you met your boy both families took steps to make sure the situation was safe and secure for both you and the boy. That is what is being suggested in this case as well and from the description in the OP it does not sound like the boy’s family gave thought one to her family in this.

Personally, there are some red flags popping up in this situation that would have me concerned too.

226

Indeed. I grew up in Utah where getting married right out of high school was so normal as to be completely (and literally) unremarkable. But I moved to CA when I was 16, and I tell you what, everybody was scandalized when I announced my plan to get married. Everybody. I even got called in to the guidance counselor to make sure that I understood I didn’t “have” to get married, and I should go to college, etc. Honestly, until they freaked out, it never occurred to me that moving out and starting your life that young was any sort of problem.

227

I beleive Ron White said it best when he said “Ladies and gentlemen, you can’t fix stupid.” I’d reword it just a bit to say “Youi can’t fix poor judgement.” It’s the kind of thing that fixes itself, either by delivering a righteous bitch-slap that wakes someone up, or a righteous bitch-slap that kills someone.

I had friends like this granddaughter growing up. At 17, the parents stupid decisions and Geraldo/Maury Povich were the examples these folk looked at and looked up to. Most of them are among the working poor, supporting several children outside of marriage (typically as single moms living with parents/friends/whoever they can mooch from, or as a dad paying a crippling but justified amount of child support). One, that I know of, has more of the happy life with a regular job, pays the bills on time, etc.

I hope your granddaughter gets a righteous bitch slap that takes a while to recover from but doesn’t leave her saddled with as lifetime of regret, and uses it to get her life back in order.

228

1.) I highly doubt she learned as much as she should know from sex ed in school, especially if she went to a private school of any Christian denomination.

2.) Just because she told you (or your wife) she didn’t need to read them doesn’t mean that she didn’t actually read them later.

3.) Do whatever it takes to get her into Planned Parenthood. If she’s moving in with the boy, they’ll probably end up sexually active sooner or later, and that means she should be on birth control. She also needs to start getting yearly GYN exams if she isn’t already.

229

Here’s a tool for you to use. Look at the car for what it is, a financial liability. The value of the car is minimal. By giving it to her you are assigning all the future monetary responsibilities for it that includes gas, insurance, basic maintenance, and unforeseen repairs. If she cannot demonstrate a plan to cover those costs then you are harming her financially by “giving” it to her. You’re really harming her by handing her debt.

OH MY GOD. His folks took him apartment shopping!!! He couldn’t support a wino under a bridge for one night. How is he going to afford food, clothing, utilities, gas, furniture, apartment insurance, car insurance, health insurance, school fees, taxes, etc…

230

4.) Buy her a box of condoms. Preferably now. Open it (so she knows you’re no one will be checking to see if she did). Ideally she’d be told how to put it on, but you’re her grandfather for Christ’s sake :stuck_out_tongue:

231

Someone said, “Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.”

IIRC Molly Ivins was talking about some confusing bill in the Texas legislature and one politician said to another, “I can explain it to you again, but I can’t understand it for you.”

It’s possible that even if this young woman doesn’t go through with the current plan, it will likely be a similar plan with a different young man somewhere down the line. I say that because if someone doesn’t really value the logic of a plan or really have the desire to do follow through and make the sacrifices etc., the arguments are a useless pile of words.

@ the OP, if you give her the car, I think it should be hers, period. I.e. there are no “you can keep it as long as you…” contingencies. I think that says, “OK, I’m treating you as an adult now” and it’s up to her to take care of it etc. If she moves to an area with good public transportation, she may even later decide that they never use it and wish to sell it.

You can’t learn responsibility without having something to be responsible for. If she sells it on impulse and has to walk to work in the freezing cold, that’s her choice. If she weighs the choice carefully and that brings in some money that’s well spent elsewhere, ditto.

I’d make sure the title is transferred and your name is NOT on the title. When people are struggling financially, the first thing that doesn’t get paid is the car insurance (proper upkeep is probably second). IANAL and it may vary by state, but I’d be a little afraid it could come back on me. E.g. suppose she hadn’t fixed a headlight and that contributed to an accident, could it be construed as partly your fault, since it’s “your” car, according to the title? I’d wash my hands of it.

232

I agree - it is pretty much her car. That means, however, that it is her insurance/gas/oil/repairs. It is also her rent/utilities/food/clothing/cell phone bill/etc.

And, unfortunately, her obstetrician bill as well, sooner or later.

If she is saying, “When I’m 18, I’m an adult”, then sometimes the proper response is “Now that you are 18, you’re an adult. And adults pay for their own mistakes.”

Regards,
Shodan

233

Another scenario that seems plausible: she doesn’t keep up the registration. Policeman sees the car parked, out of date sticker on the windshield, writes ticket. She doesn’t pay, judge issues bench warrant on you, since your name is on the title. You’re driving out to see her, get stopped for a tail light not functioning, cop runs your name through the computer, hauls you in.

Probably paranoid, but I’d have done with it.

235

It should be a given that the title is transferred into her name.

236

WRT having kids, here’s a brief overview of the poverty line and estimated expenses for a family of four. Granted they don’t have children, but trying to manage going to community college probably isn’t any easier.

http://www.usccb.org/cchd/povertyusa/tour.htm

237

Concerning the car, I have every intention of changing the title over to her name. There’s a small glitch, since under Alabama law she can’t legally own a car before age 19.
If she does, indeed, move to Ohio I’ll change the ownership up there. No way I’m going to be responsible for a car that’s out of my immediate area.

She and the boy are meeting my wife and me tomorrow for lunch at a restaurant, then they are coming here to the farm to swim, ride horses and teach him to drive a tractor. (She’s been my #1 tractor operator since she was 11 years old) Maybe I’ll have a better feeling for what’s going on after I spend some time around them when they are together.

I’m afraid that the poster that wrote “You can’t fix stupid” is spot-on. She’s not normally stupid, she can learn stuff she wants to learn. Anything about farm machinery, horses, firearms or cell phones she can master in a heartbeat. However, poor judgment is part of stupid and she’s sure demonstrating some poor judgment in this case.

238

She can always sell the car to pay bills or live in it.

239

True. My oldest son was born when I was still in college. For my 10th birthday one of my grandfathers had given me 25 silver dollars and I vowed to never spend them. Slowly, one at a time, over a period of months I took the silver dollars to the grocery and bought baby formula with them. You do what you have to do.

240

You should get a pool going on when you’ll become a great-grandfather.

241

If she doesn’t end up buying baby formula it will be the best education of her life.

We’re all behind you but its like standing on a hill watching a child in the distance wander into traffic. Hope things work out. If you’re lucky she’ll use the car to drive back to her senses.