Parenting start out all very hands on and a lot of activities are forbidden or very tightly controlled. For example our 3 year old girl MUST hold our hand while she crosses the road. But as they get older the role of the parent must become more and more one of a teacher and role model. You need to be some one who will provide guidance and allow them to make their own mistakes in as safe an environment as practical.
With that in mind, I think these two families should have a meeting (by phone is fine) where the girl’s parents express their concerns and they all work on an arrangement that makes everyone feel comfortable. Best solution would be to stick with the original plan where boy flies down to stay with girl. But the girl could probably still fly to meet the boy provided both families have an open enough conversation and get to know each other well enough that they’re comfortable with what is happening.
At any rate, flat out forbidding the trip achieves nothing. It teaches her nothing, she doesn’t grow or learn anything and she’ll resent it and most likely just go any way, that’s what I would’ve done at her age.
Dio, do you use Facebook? If not, do you have any idea how hard it would be to fabricate a believable profile?
Have your granddaughter show you the young man’s profile. If no one communicates with him at all, something is very fishy. But if he has multiple people commenting on his activity and producing activity of their own, then it’s 99.9999999% likely he’s legit.
I’ve heard of Facebook but never seen it. It’s like a free blog site or something, right? What would be so hard about creating a fake profile? I’m sure I could do it in 10 minutes. Are you telling me that nobody does that? Everybody on Facebook is exactly what they say they are?
ETA wasn’t there a “facebook killer?” Or was that some other site. In any case, what’s the difference, The internet is made of fake.
Well, he could be legit as in he is who he says he is. He might still be a creep. Then again, so might a guy she meets in a non Internet setting. But I think the main point is that throwing all your eggs in the one basket so to speak is a bad idea, whether the person is a relative stranger you meet on the Internet or in a bar or wherever. He might turn out to be cool, but I don’t think arranging to stay with him at his house without really knowing him is a good idea.
I’m reminded of some thread I read a while ago by a guy who said he met a girl over the Internet and they met and arranged to stay in a hotel, and apparently it was a bit awkward–at least, on the part of the girl, who got kind of weird after they made out and then never called him again. It’s not that the person is necessarily some weirdo, but just that what if you have awful chemistry? What if they just really bug you?
It appears that she’s worn both parents down. The mother gripes and bitches without effect and the father shrugs and says whatEVAH.
I must be clear here: Legalities, custody, me being the Grandpa or whatever else, the reality of the situation is such that If I say “GodDammitNO!” then she won’t go. No-one else has this power with her.
I’m not going to do that. I’m continuing to suggest that she not go, I’m suggesting alternatives, pointing out facts and counseling patience. Beyond that, I’m not going to force her to do or not do anything. If she’s got the guts/stupids required to get on that airplane broke and heading into situations unknown, we’ll all just hang on for the ride.
And yes, a few weeks after my 17th birthday I was out of the house and on my own. I know what that is like and I know what it takes. I doubt that this girl has the street smarts to take care of herself in strange situations. There’s 17 and then there’s some other 17. This one is not the tough, wise 17.
The schedule is that she’s going to his place for a week, then three days after she returns home, he’s coming here. At least that’s the plan, and this plan begs the question: Why The Rush??? She could go up there AFTER he comes here if she still wants to. GAHHHHH!
I have just had him add me as a “friend” on Facebook. His profile has high school age friends, most of them listing the same school, a few others from nearby. He has multiple pictures. He has a grouchy ex-girlfriend. He caught a nice fish a month or so ago. I was really hoping to find the picture of a severed head or something there…
Facebook is a social networking site. Meaning people talk with other people all the time and your profile includes all of your friend’s activity as well (like an RSS reader of things your friends are doing).
So sure, Loverboy McTeenager could actually be Pervert McOldDude, but his friend activity would be a complete wasteland that would raise giant red flags about a fake profile.
And teenager’s profiles are even worse. Many of them have hundreds (or even thousands) of “friends”. And creating a fraudalent profile like that all by yourself just to lure some girl thousands of miles when there are thousands or local girls you could much more easily prey on strains credibility.
You could still just use somebody else’s profile, or pay them to create and sustain one for you.
Chances are this kid is who he says he is, but I’d still be sketchy about it. Even if he’s legit, I don’t see any point in trying to go start a relationship with someone who you have to fly to visit anyway. It’s not like it has any chance to go anywhere. Why bother?
Bah…they’ll probably both end up being disappointed, and she’ll come home early.
Her history indicates that you will be a True Prophet. At least, she finds them disappointing and sends them on their way with great frequency. How many of her breakups have been mutually agreeable is something I don’t know.
I just wish she’d wait another week and dump him here, instead of going to a strange city hundreds of miles away.
Oh well, I met my wife over the internet. She was still living with her parents and I was out on my own. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone then we arranged to meet each other in Sydney, a different country for me, and a different state for her. All went well and a few months later she moved over to live with me in NZ. That was about eleven years ago and we’ve been married for eight.
So. It’s not so bad starting a relationship with someone you have to fly to meet, as long as you’re willing to make it work.
I think you’re handling this well, John Carter. My dad took the hard-line stance that Dio advocates when I was 16ish, and it permanently and severely damaged our relationship. If my mom hadn’t been able to talk him down a bit, I would have run away (and other than wanting more freedom, I was a very good kid with straight As and full college scholarships, no drinking or drugs, no trouble). I think forbidding anything at that age is a risky thing to do.
It does sound like she is irresponsible (my Europe trip was funded entirely by me with years of savings, so I have little sympathy for her “best summer evah!”) I’m glad you’re not paying for anything. What I suspect will happen is that she’ll meet the guy, the chemistry won’t be there, his family will be kind of weird and she’ll spend an awkward few days wishing she’d thought this through more. She’ll be fine and learn a valuable lesson. Or maybe it’s true love, and they’ll live happily ever after. Really, I hope she has fun, and if she doesn’t, that she gains some maturity and prospective from the experience.
OK, lemme say, I was that girl when I was, yeah, 17, though in contrast to the OP a) I was in college already, b) I already knew the guy (though we had only known each other for a month or so), c) my parents had met him, d) he came to visit me first (my parents did insist upon that), and e) I used the money from my part-time job to arrange transportation. Now, I will thoroughly agree with you that being in that teenage mindset meant I was not adult enough to consider this, but I did it anyway.
(Actually, the biggest difference between me and the OP was probably that Guy and I had long internet/phone angsty calls about how it was forever and ever (read: a month or two) until we’d see each other again, and that was limited by our mutual finances.)
My parents were, rightfully, not happy about it (and DID insist on the above conditions), but there wasn’t much they could do to stop me besides pull me out of college, which would have been total overreaction (especially considering both he and I were doing extremely well grade-wise). Eventually I figured out he wasn’t the great Prize O’Love I thought he was (and vice versa), and got a good, if rather painful, lesson in long distance relationships. Meanwhile I learned that I was capable of organizing myself to do this sort of thing, which I’m not sure was entirely a bad lesson.
Also, almost all the girls I knew (the vast majority of whom went on to become responsible, mature, functional adults) were similarly immature with their First Great High School/College Love. I can think of only two who weren’t, and they both got happily married right out of college. Are you really saying that all the adolescent girls you know are paragons of maturity?
so she is dropping everything without prior notice, for a boy she’s never met, to stay at his parent’s while he’s busy with work, so she could… what? play house and entertain him when he comes home from work? doesn’t sound very romantic.
if waiting at home is unbeareable, imagine waiting at a stranger’s house with their parents judging you. wise thing to do is to make him wait and hunger for their meeting at her place, where they would have more time together. food taste better when you have to wait for it.
the ticket thing is really kinda creepy if the girl ain’t secretly in on it, talk about assumptions :eek:
My credentials in this particular case are pretty damn good. First, I’m female. Second, I left home at 16 to drive halfway across the country with a total stranger (boyfriend of fellow future house-mate) to live with my boyfriend of the time. Third, I have two daughters (now in their twenties) and fourth, I did exactly what your granddaughter is planning; I flew (in my case across an ocean) to meet a man I’d met via the internet, who was coming to visit me a month later, but who I couldn’t wait to meet. I did pay my own way though and booked my own hotel room just in case, and it turned out rather well … we’ve been married now for 5 1/2 years.
Anyway … all that being said, I think she’ll probably be fine. If she discovers the boy is a total drag she’ll learn a valuable lesson.
My advice would be that she wait and meet the boy on her own turf. That way, if he is a drag, she’s not quite as stuck with him than if she’s staying in his house. That was actually a good part of my reasoning for going to meet my now husband. If he was unacceptable, I wanted to know and be able to control the situation before he showed up on my doorstep and I was stuck with him. Barring that, I recommend you send her with, at the very least, a cell phone that she can use to call you if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation. (as in he’s not only a drag, he’s all over her) You can arrange for a hotel for her if that should happen (phone call, credit card) and transportation to that hotel (phone call to cab company, credit card) There’s not a whole lot more you can do if you can’t persuade her that this is not the most brilliant idea she’s ever had.
Oh, and I’ll put a tenner on DC’s prediction myself. The chances that this is true love forever are slim to none.